Cru Jones Society

It’s only taken a month but finally an article about beer.

Nectar of the Gods!

This past Saturday I, along with Keithage and my little sis, took a trip to Ft. Collins, Colorado, with one purpose in mind, to tour the breweries of the town. It’s very possible there are many more breweries than the ones we planned on visiting, but we were only intending to tour these four: New Belgium, Odell Brewing Company, Ft. Collins Brewery, and Anheuser-Busch.

At least that was the plan. Continue Reading »

Until you work in a large city surrounded by high rises, you probably don’t think about elevators all that often. However, once you get that job downtown and you’re forced to ride them all day, it preys much more heavily on your mind. You see, no longer is there a squatty guy in a chumpy uniform and a box hat pushing the buttons for you (like that nervous guy in the Beverly Willshire Hotel from Pretty Woman). Nope, we have to figure out the elevator protocols ourselves, and much to the surprise of everyone (read: no one), most people have no clue how to properly ride an elevator.

So, in the interest of you, faithful reader of the Cru Jones Society, here are four rules reminding you what and what not to do in the elevator. You’re welcome. Continue Reading »

Dear Blockbuster,

I ‘m writing to you today in an attempt to help you out. While visiting one of your fine establishments last night, noticeable things made the experience somewhat unpleasant. Now if you want to stay afloat in a world with Netflix, On Demand television, and the Internet some things will have to be changed.

You have a collection of thousands of movie titles, but you apparently don’t have the space for them. Browsing through the non-new releases I came upon DVDs on their sides stacked on top of each other. Being in retail for longer than I’d like to admit, I have learned that consumers are more apt to purchase items that are displayed neatly. Also in a world of A.D.D. people want a quick look at the cover and title. Reading a stack of DVD titles takes more time than people want to spend picking a movie. So instead of selling posters, use that room for your main product.

With so many movies at your disposal why must you pick the most annoying one to play on you in store televisions? And it’s left on the most obnoxious part, the animated menu that loops every minute. It’s enough to make one leave without a purchase, and turn them off from renting the movie that was playing. After the menu replayed twice, I am certain, now more than ever, that “Alvin and The Chipmunks “would never make it into my home.

Ok Blockbuster, those were just a few suggestions to improve your store before you lose another customer to the conveniences and lack of annoyances of other home movie viewing options. Please take this letter into consideration.

Sincerely,

L. Hart - Customer # 536948231

Since the weather continues to improve, I thought it pertinent to mention a phenomenon I’ve noticed only in Denver.

When you drive downtown you see good-looking women in the crosswalks all the time. What’s funny is when they see the light change from green to yellow, they scamper across the street to avoid delaying anyone’s departure going the other way. I can’t think of any other city where this would happen.*

I suspect Los Angeles and New York women have a larger sense of self-importance and thus, couldn’t give one rat’s ass if they’re in the crosswalk when the light happens to change. They have places to be, dammit, and you’re probably just a peon sitting in some used car anyway. God bless Denver women who couple their good looks with disarming politeness!

Good looking women are granted more latitude in social situations and behavior than any other subset of the population. It’s refreshing to see them give back in a small way by preventing you from angrily gripping your steering wheel while silently cursing the crosswalk denizens for failing to adequately estimate how much time they would have in reaching the other side of the street, and then walking slowly anyway. These people are arrogant, annoying, and rude. Fuck them right in the ear.

The attractive women who scamper: Adorable.

The truth is, for a good looking woman, we’d probably wait. But their efforts are not unnoticed, nor unappreciated. In recognition of this, politeness among the attractive will forever remain under the prestigious banner: Thing We Love.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

*Winter excluded - Everyone’s in a hurry to get the hell out of the elements in the winter. Good-looking women, good-looking men, butt ugly people, kids, the elderly, etc. This observation is null and void when everyone is freezing their nips off.

It seems that I’ve volunteered myself to be the perennial Friday Poster here at CJS. Thanks, in large part to my work schedule, Friday actually being my first day back at work after two days off gives me the luxury of two work-free days to prepare to post something.

Monday though Thursday are days for the normal grind, and Friday evening through Sunday night are designated for doing whatever it is that you do living the life that you slave away Monday through Thursday to try to provide. This leaves Friday day, the one blissful day in the workweek that somehow occupies a hazy midpoint between the regular work week and the weekend. Friday is a day for long lunches, finalizing weekend plans, and ducking out as early as possible (which happens to be about 25 seconds after the boss’ car departs the parking lot). Friday is a day spent thinking about the outside world.

So, in honor of this, for the next few weeks I’ll be trying out a Friday theme post dedicated to the world outside of CJS. Interesting links, articles, videos, and god willing pimping of other blogs in exchange for them pimping us back, and, you know, whatever happens to get caught in the machine.

So, without further delay: Here are your links for the first ever Happy Friday:

Wesley Snipes sentenced to three years in jail for tax evasion

Some poor (probably now unemployed) moron drives car from next James Bond Movie into Lake

Chubby man with bad teeth sings Opera on British talent TV show

For decades now many gags have come and gone, the whoopee cushion, pull my finger, a rubber chicken (I have never understood that one.) But there is one that has withstood the test of time and is funny no matter how, or when it’s used, the pie in the face, or pieing, gag.

I Like Pie

Pieing was made popular almost a century ago by such acts as Laurel & Hardy, and The Three Stooges, who would shove a pie in each others face, and I laughed. To this day I’ve seen pieing in sitcoms, cartoons, as well as sports. Many times during the post game interview with a ball (as was established yesterday, this means baseball) players who has had a great outing get a pie the face from his team mates. And everytime, I laugh.

Like most jokes when you don’t see it coming, it’s funny. But unlike most jokes, even when you do see it coming, it’s still funny. And no matter what, a pie to the face will always be funnier than someone humping a pie.

What I love most about pieing is that the pied is humiliated. But it’s not a humiliation like when you make fun of their hair, or shoes. Nor is it humiliation that comes from a hit to the nards. It’s a more wholesome humiliation. Pieing is one of few comedic instances where the butt of the joke is truly being laughed with and not laughed at.

For a night of wholesome fun remember four simple words…

“Ten Banana Cream Pies!”

If it’s good enough for Lary, Curly, and Moe, it’s good enough for me.

My beloved Rockies play host to my beloved Cubs tonight, and I have tickets in the fifth row behind home plate. Just typing that makes me happy. I love baseball. I love playing baseball, I love watching baseball, I love talking about baseball, and I spend a good portion of each day thinking about baseball. For me, there is no greater sport. Continue Reading »

This, is my car:

In the interest of saving everyone some time (especially me), I’d like to go ahead and answer your next few questions before you have the chance. I’m getting a little tired of answering the same four stupid questions every time someone sees the car for the first time, maybe I’ll print out this post and attach it to my windshield.

1. Yes, I actually like this car.

2. Yes, It gets good gas mileage.

3. Yes, it probably would fit in the bed of your truck. That’s a nice big truck you have there by the way, sorry about the penis.

4. No, I don’t really care if you’re thinking about getting one for your girlfriend/wife/whatever.

Now, Interestingly enough, questions 1 and 2 are the ones most commonly asked by random people approaching me on the street. I’m happy enough to entertain the questions, since it really is just someone expressing curiosity about the car. Questions 3 and 4 are the ones that I’ve really got a problem with, and is more commonly raised by people that I know who are seeing my car for the first time in some crude attempt to bond with me over the car. I don’t want to bond with you over my car.

(This is part two in a three part series of the sports loved by CJS. Oddly BMX racing is not one of them. Part three will be posted on 4-23) 

The Holy Grail

Walking around my apartment, looking at the posters, pictures, and other various objects that decorate my home it’s abundantly clear that I love two things: beer (doi) and hockey. So with the Frozen Four having been here in Denver (Tough break Notre Dame, now you gotta fetch the puck bitch) and the Stanley Cup Playoffs in full swing, (4 wins down, 12 more to go baby!) it’s time to talk hockey. Continue Reading »

A word of warning right off the bat: This is an extremely long post. At last count, 14 single-spaced pages in Word. I’ve broken this post into sub-headings, so if you don’t feel like reading the whole thing, go by the headings. I’ve broken down my latest trip to Las Vegas into Thumbs Up and Thumbs Down ratings to accurately convey where you should and shouldn’t go and what you should and shouldn’t do. This is my eighth trip to Las Vegas in four years, so I have a decent handle on where to go and what to do. See if you agree with my assessment. Did your favorite place make the list? Read on and find out…

Continue Reading »

Tonight, as I am sure many of you are aware UFC 83, Serra vs. St. Pierre will be airing on PPV across the country.

I thought it would be rather timely to post an article about the now insanely popular sport of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts, for the uninitiated). This will be the first of a three part sports series here at CJS. Keep a lookout the rest of this week for Lee S Hart’s: Why I Love Hockey on the 21st, and E Dagger’s: Why I love Baseball on the 23rd, assuming he has managed to recover from his recent Vegas Trip by then, that is.

Continue Reading »

To liven up your normally mundane Thursday routine, celebrate National High Five Day today.

National High Five Day is a holiday designed by (who else?) bored college kids at the University of Virginia scheduled to fall on the third Thursday of April every year. That means today when you meet a new client, high five him when he sticks his hand out to meet you! Ordering that bag of Harvest Cheddar (apparently) Sun Chips from Subway? High five the clerk your money instead of boringly handing it to her! Asleep at your desk for two hours and no one notices? Self high five!

Of course, I would be remiss in discussing this holiday if I didn’t mention one of our very own commenters here on the Cru Jones Society. Today is simply known as “Thursday” to our very own jitterrawks. Jitter made the decision at some point in college to stop shaking hands with everyone, and switched to a high-five-only system of introductions. I thoroughly enjoyed watching middle-aged adults get disheartened by her unyielding request for a high five and then reluctantly hold their hand up for the impending slap. A particularly uncomfortable moment occurred when I watched her earn her college diploma and high five the Dean of the Liberal Arts College.

Jitter, enjoy the only day on the calendar when this greeting isn’t considered weird!

As for everyone else, have fun annoying your bosses, significant others, convenience store clerks, homeless people, and neighborhood haberdashers.

High five.

(Thanks to twodogszk for sending me this picture and unknowingly inspiring this post).

It’s 2:13 in the A.M. and you’re watching Perspectives.

Wait, that’s not right.

It’s 2:13 in the A.M. and I’m watching Roseanne. Let’s make one thing clear here, I’m not watching completely on purpose. I’m battling a bout of insomnia and without cable I have but few choices; Infomercials, Roseanne, or Dr. Phil. Apparently 2 a.m. weekdays is the hot time slot for loud, blow hard, fatties. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. This particular episode of Roseanne is a “clip show.” What an interesting and sometimes obnoxious occurrence. Let’s take a look back.

Don’t adjust you computer, it’s not the same post. This is the Cru Jones Society first ever Clip Show. Continue Reading »

It’s 2:13 in the A.M. and you’re watching Perspectives.

Wait, that’s not right.

It’s 2:13 in the A.M. and I’m watching Roseanne. Let’s make one thing clear here, I’m not watching completely on purpose. I’m battling a bout of insomnia and without cable I have but few choices; Infomercials, Roseanne, or Dr. Phil. Apparently 2 A.M. weekdays is the hot time slot for loud, blow hard, fatties. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. This particular episode of Roseanne is a “clip show.” What an interesting and sometimes obnoxious occurrence. Let’s take a closer look. Continue Reading »

Lee S. Hart: I’m finding that I’m growing to hate or not care about every holiday, except Bastille day.

Sr. Limon: Its good to know you care about what really matters: French Independence.

Lee S. Hart: Dude, I don’t know what it is, but I just get crazy on that holiday.

Sr. Limon: I know, I feel the same way about Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips.

Lee S. Hart: Thank you. E Dagger is always goin’ on about the French Onion, but I’m with you. Harvest Cheddar is where its at.

Sr. Limon: French Onion is ok… but seriously. Its no Harvest Cheddar.

Lee S. Hart: Have you tried the Garden Salsa?

Sr. Limon: No, not yet. I’ve tried the new cinnamon ones though. They’re pretty good.

Lee S Hart: I was wondering. Seemed odd to me to have a sweet chip. I enjoyed the salsa one. There’s a slight spice to it, its not overwhelming

Sr. Limon: They remind me of Cinnamon twists from Taco Bell.

Lee S Hart: I’m Glad we’re discussing this.

Sr. Limon: Well, nobody I know down here gives a shit about this kind of stuff, and knowing shit about snack food is important.

senor.limon@crujonessociety.com

Well, it’s Monday. God knows you’re not working. You’re probably still tired and/or hungover from the weekend. I just got back from Vegas, so you can look for a recap of that trip coming up on Saturday. But, in the spirit of trying to get back into the week, here’s a nice long rant on some annoying celebrities after the jump. Enjoy!

Continue Reading »

 Live from your desktop it’s Saturday Night.

Before “30 Rock” aired this past Thursday, the commercial before hand promoted the show by letting the viewers know of all the awards it had received. Thus showcasing the ascent of Tina Fey to super stardom. This got me to thinking about the success of other SNL alum, more specifically, which cast member has been the most successful. (Sorry, Haratio Sans, it’s not you.) Continue Reading »

I feel compelled to share one thought with the world right now: Death Wish movies are awesome. I’d give a spoiler warning at this point about the rest of the article, but that would imply that there was actually some semblance of a plot to spoil, and that there is actually a single person out there who hasn’t seen the movie but still wants to. Instead, I’ll start with a few opening thoughts about the things that I feel make Death Wish truly great and then give a run down of the last half-hour or so of the movie since the killing is all anybody really cares about anyway.

Continue Reading »

Newscasts are essentially worthless. We all know this. We accept it. At a half hour, only the most broadly applicable news stories will merit coverage. And since news stations survive on advertising dollars, you know nothing genuinely critical of the system as a whole will merit meaningful coverage. Furthermore, television newscasts have to provide information to the broadest possible audience, which means each story will increase your knowledge by approximately a quarter of a percentage point. Essentially worthless…

However, there’s one moment in every newscast that keeps me coming back night after night. When the sports reporter finishes his (or her) report and tosses it back to the anchor, there’s always a 15 second conversation that’s awkward as hell.

The anchors clearly know nothing about sports (and couldn’t care less - they’re journalists, you know) but have to segue out of the sports report. Therefore, the anchor makes a trite witticism vaguely pertinent to the last sports newsbit that the zany sports guy zanily responds to. Zealous fake laughter from both anchors and the sports guy ensues. They throw it to commercial. And we sit in our homes blissfully unaware that everyone on the set hates the sportscaster and hates this segue more than they hate the ever-decreasing audience that increasingly turns to the internet for news.

This is my favorite moment in every newscast because it serves as the perfect snapshot of the remarkably contrived presentation of television news. I will sit through a half hour of Adele Arakawa’s absurdly large hair and overly serious delivery just for the moment she has to make stilted-but-polite conversation with Drew Soicher despite masking a look that would otherwise indicate she views him as a leper.

Drew, a response?

“A leper? At least my pinky never looked like Brian Baldinger’s or Ronnie Lott’s!”

That’s true! A ha ha ha ha ha…. (long re-charging inhale) Ahhhhhhhhh… We’ll be right back.

It’s time to start growing your playoff beard. The Colorado Avalanche are in the playoffs with games starting tonight! Since we narrowly missed facing a juggernaut San Jose Sharks team (and might play them next round if we get past the soul-suckingly boring Minnesota Wild), I’m reminded of one of the all-time bonehead front office moves.

Of course, I’m talking about the Boston Bruins trading away their captain in the middle of the ‘05-’06 season. What’s the thought process here? “How can we, the Boston Bruins, both improve our chances of winning the Stanley Cup while enhancing our public image? I know! We’ll trade away our most popular player, leading scorer, and overall face of the franchise! Joe Thornton, pack your bags! We’re sending you to a better team, a warmer climate, and a more forgiving fanbase for 60 cents on the dollar!”

As an added bonus, Thornton now plays in the Western Conference where my Avalanche gets to face him about 6x more often, and might have to deal with him up close and personal for up to seven games in a couple weeks. Thanks, Bruins!

I suppose this is the kind of tactic we should expect from the town that traded Babe Ruth. Should the Avalanche fall, I hope Thornton hoists that cup with the Sharks just to spite the Bruins (especially since Boston wins every other damn title in sports). Maybe 90 years from now, the Bruins can hoist the Cup once again. For now, enjoy last place, dipshits!

Here’s lookin’ up your dress…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com