Cru Jones Society

It’s once again Friday, and once again, Senor Limon here to present you with the stuff I’ve been wasting my time with this week on the internet. To start, a story that should make E. Dagger happy: Lost parrot tells vet his address shortly after being found by the police. This is the kind of thing that could only happen in Japan since I’m pretty sure the police in America don’t really spend valuable time trying to catch loose birds. Apparently this was one hardcore gangsta Parrot though, because he refused to talk to the police, only spilling his guts later after being released to a Vet’s office.

Next up: Sharon Stone suggests china at fault for earthquake due to bad Karma. The rest of the world suggests that she should shut the hell up. This was actually really big news this week, which I find interesting because I was under the impression that nothing Sharon Stone said matters anymore. Apparently nobody told China that, because they seem pissed.

In news slightly closer to my heart. A Belgian Brewer is eyeing Budweiser for possible purchase. Yes, The large brewery’s response to being outmaneuvered by the ever growing popularity of micro-breweries is to consolidate. Smart. They should have started with beer that wasn’t disgusting

Speaking of smart, and of China, disabled people are outraged at the Beijing Olympic committee’s complete lack of common sense in an official guide given to volunteers of the games to help them deal with disabled people. Suggesting that disabled people “can be stubborn, controlling… defensive and have a strong sense of inferiority.” I’d laugh, but I’m afraid some angry anti-social disabled guy might hit me in the shins with his wheelchair.

And finally, this week’s evidence that people on the internet have too much time on their hands. The combined mental effort needed to create this could have probably cured world hunger. Not only is this a shocking 1 minute custom created Super Mario level that plays itself, its perfectly synched to music.

Senor.Limon@crujonessociety.com

When CJS reader Gutter asked for a post on American Gladiators, I immediately jumped at the chance to write it. Neither Hart nor Limon had seen enough of the new version to comment conclusively, and, growing up, I had a huge boner for this show. Along with professional wrestling and the Chicago Cubs, American Gladiators was one of my childhood obsessions. So, before we discuss the new show, I think it important to reflect on the original. It was after all, one of the hallmark shows of our youth. Continue Reading »

(This is the third part in an on going series dedicated to the many years, going on 8 now, that I have spent as a retail whore.)

From the brokers on Wall Street, to the fry cook at McDowell’s, almost everyone has a boss. I’m no exception. In the world of retail the chain of order is like this: Corporate - Area Managers - Store Managers - Supervisors - Hourly Peons. Part 3 of My Life in Retail will go into more detail on how truly fortunate I am to be part of this chain. Continue Reading »

Bad movies have clichés. In fact in many ways, bad movies are clichés. As a well documented fan of terrible movies, I feel well qualified to know a cliché when I see one. I realized something recently while glassy-eyed watching U-571 a while back after a long day of work. I had previously never seen this movie, and about halfway through watching I realized something that struck me as oddly profound. Every submarine movie I have ever seen is essentially the same. I’m far from an expert though, when it comes to movies about submarines. I wouldn’t even exactly classify myself as a fan, and aside from U-571 I probably haven’t seen a submarine movie since the last time I was watching Down Periscope on Comedy Central some morning for no other reason than it was on. I’d like to complete my research and be qualified to articulate exactly what it is about submarine movies that makes them essentially the same. After all, many movie genres have their own cliches, but I think it really goes deeper than that (get it? Deeper! haaawwww!).

So, come along with me on a journey below the sea, this is going to take some work, I had better break it down:

Continue Reading »

Welcome back from your three day weekend - provided you’re not working in the service industry, or are Lee S. Hart writing a multi-part series on life in retail. I work in an office where the hours are at least consistent, if not long. It’s been two years since I finished graduate school, and I’m still not used to this cockamamie schedule. I mean, really, a minimum of 40 hours per week? That’s sadism of the highest order. I need time to write about Kindergarten Cop and American Gladiators (post coming this week - you’re welcome, Gutter). Who else is going to tell you about embarrassing gaffes made when talking to the opposite sex? Who else will critique the dating columns so you don’t have to?! Who, I ask you! WHO?! Continue Reading »

Since I only work a half day on Fridays, my afternoons usually consist of a nice lunch coupled with a splendid lunch beer, a trip to the gym, and watching whatever movie happens to be on one of the 25 pay movie channels. Obviously, Lady E does not have the same luxury which allows me to feed my shitty-to-marginal movie habit.

Today, I was surfing through the channels and stopped on Kindergarten Cop. This movie is a mid-afternoon classic bestowing upon us lines like “It’s not a too-mah!” and “Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.” Ultimately, Kindergarten Cop is cutesy as hell, but the movie’s climax features one of the most psychologically disturbing scenes ever captured on film.

Schwarzenegger has successfully passed himself off as a kindergarten teacher and figured out that his colleague is the former wife of the criminal, Cullen Crisp, he pursues at the beginning of the movie (and mother to the criminal’s son - a member of Schwarzenegger’s kindergarten class). When the witness who helped put Crisp behind bars ODs on whatever, Crisp is released from jail and comes to Oregon to kidnap his son and presumably kill his ex-wife. He sets a fire in the school’s library and snatches his son amid the chaos of the fire evacuation. This is all relatively normal given the context of the plot.

Here’s where it gets fucked up. Schwarzenegger finds Crisp who’s holding a gun to his son’s head while threatening to shoot his mom. Before Crisp can do anything, the ferret hiding in the kid’s shirt climbs up and bites Crisp on the face allowing him to escape and Schwarzenegger to blow his father to hell. Then the kid’s grandmother enters the frame and shoots Schwarzenegger. She’s about to put his lights out when Schwarzenegger’s partner shows up (who the kid thought was Schwarzenegger’s sister) after getting hit by a car and dispatches his grandmother with a baseball bat. Everyone lives happily after ever and Schwarzenegger comes back to teach kindergarten - assumedly forever thereafter.

Put yourself in this kid’s shoes. You’re six years old, and your dad, whom you haven’t seen in a few years, shows up threatening to kill your mom, holds a gun to your head, and tells you he’s taking you away to start a new life. He would have killed your mom had it not been for your kindergarten teacher who blew him to hell. Now your grandmother is in jail, and the lady who you thought was your teacher’s sister, but it turns out she’s just a hypoglycemic cop, beat the shit out of her with a baseball bat.

Jesus!

This kid is going to be messed up for a long time. My money’s on him looking like John Connor at the beginning of Terminator 2 in a few years: riding around with Bobby Budnick on his little motorbike, committing credit card fraud, and living with lowlife foster parents.

Did the end of Kindergarten Cop weird anyone else out? Or am I alone here in thinking the poor kid in this movie suffered worse mental damage than anyone outside of Dr. Evil having to grow up with crazy Belgian parents?

I’m back after a brief hiatus to take care of some work obligations and happily here to present to everyone my Happy Friday Post #4. The week is over, gas prices are higher, and Hillary and Obama are still going at it. McCain at this point seems to be enjoying his role standing back and watching Clinton and Obama destroy each other only occasionally popping his head up to announce that he is in fact still around before dropping quietly away again. Apparently, a couple weeks ago he was on the Daily Show, and announced the Office’s Dwight Schrute as his running mate. Last Friday, Dwight responded with the following demands before he would acquiesce to Mr. McCain’s request.

Continue Reading »

First off, I am not necessarily a climate change denier. I believe the earth is probably getting warmer, and doing so at a rate not unlike what it’s done for thousands of years. I don’t believe that human-made carbon emissions are the root of this rise, but I understand why eco-freaks dispense their doomsday theories. They’re simply starting high by exaggerating potential outcomes in their negotiations to achieve their real desired policy changes. Fine. Continue Reading »

(This is the second part in an on going series dedicated to the many years, going on 8 now, that I have spent as a retail whore.)

Since I work in a large store, and I have yet to master the art of being in two places simultaneously, I am forced to work with other people. Given that these people inhabit my life for forty hours a week, I thought that the second part of my retail life (that sounds like a shitty reality show) be dedicated to them. Continue Reading »

I realize that I am probably the only heterosexual male in America that is actually looking forward to the premier of Season 4 of So You Think You Can Dance on Fox this Thursday (8/7c), but I really do love this show. I’m not really a fan of American Idol or any of the other formula talent competitions out there, but something about So You Think You Can Dance sucked me in from the first episode last season and I’m excited to see what this year has to offer.

Continue Reading »

The three blocks I walk each morning between my parking lot (at the Greyhound Station!) and my office building is filled with some of Denver’s most colorful characters. Between the affordable housing complex, the assisted living apartment building (which I believe houses approximately 85% of Denver’s blind population), the most ghetto-tastic 7-11 this side of Baltimore, and the assorted hooligans populating the bus station at all times, it’s never a dull five minutes. I get hit up for change at least three times per week, see people who look like they’ve been hanging out since Reconstruction, and dudes wearing clothes big enough to comfortably house a family of four.

Today was especially unusual. Continue Reading »

It’s Monday morning as I post this, which means much of the working world has returned from its all-too-brief hiatus to continue to push whatever rock you were pushing last week ever further uphill for the rest of time. And, if you’re anything like me, you probably said some embarrassing shit to women this weekend as well. Continue Reading »

 REPENT!!!

And thou Friday shall be saved! Welcome to Happy Friday #3. Once again, I’m E Dagger providing you a way to kill time before slowly and systematically poisoning your liver this evening (If you’re just going home to have a quiet evening with the family as I am, then you can still read this). Senor Limon is back next week, so make sure to give him a warm welcome. I’ve got a fresh batch of links just waiting inside. Join me, won’t you…

(Special thanks to Money Melon from the Newsarama Forum for creating this. Hopefully (s)he won’t mind terribly if I use this. Check out this photoshop gem in its original context here) Continue Reading »

As I documented here last week, I watch a lot of shitty movies. One of my favorite shitty movies is, without a doubt, Short Circuit. So with that in mind, we’re going to put the Cru Jones Love Lounge on hold until next week in order to talk robots. NO DISASSEMBLE and read on after the jump… Continue Reading »

(This is the first part in an on going series dedicated to the many years, going on 8 now, that I have spent as a retail whore.) 

It’s been said that the customer is the most important part of retail, the bread and butter of the industry. Everything is done in an attempt to lure new customers, and then hook them into returning. That’s why the phrase “the customer is always right” exists. So it’s only fitting that I launch this series with the customers. Continue Reading »

Whether the day calls for an early rise, or a late one, my favorite way to prepare for what lies ahead is not with waffles dripping with warm maple syrup, or flaky biscuits covered with creamy sausage gravy. My morning food of choice is cold milk poured over cereal. Continue Reading »

Dating and/or relationship advice pretty much always sucks. Countless hours of television shows, endless rows of books in the Barnes & Noble, and a ridiculous amount of bandwidth has been dedicated to helping people understand the un-understandable.

Universal Question: What makes a relationship work?

Universal Answer: No one fucking knows.

No one can answer that question beyond the scope of their own relationship since every relationship is unique to those in it. Relationships are like snowflakes, if that sounds gay enough for you. Hell, I don’t even understand why MY relationship works most of the time. Is it because my girlfriend and I both love Heineken Light but hate regular Heineken? Is it because we do a call-and-response routine singing “O.P.P.” by Naughty by Nature, only we do it with weird Central Asian accents? Is it because we play “6 Hands on a Kitty?” when people come over? (How do you play? Come over to our house, put your hands on the cat, and we’ll show ya’! The cat is freaked the fuck out, but damn if it isn’t hilarious!)

More importantly, would sharing this bizarre bullshit be beneficial to anyone?

With that in mind, I’d like to dedicate this space to respond to dating and relationship columns published all over the web. I’m like your friendly neighborhood advice column, except I’m the only one to encourage you not to pay attention. If any of the articles I mock each Monday is helpful to you personally, enjoy the advice. If not, you’re probably wasting your company’s money anyway, so what’s another ten minutes reading this? Continue Reading »

Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and if sitcoms have taught me anything, most of you are doing your gift shopping today. We’ve been doing this for twenty some years, more or less, but every year it’s exactly the same. You think we would have a better grasp of the situation at this point. Maybe next year. Quit procrastinating, read on, and the get to the store. Continue Reading »

Friday is once again upon us. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I had a wildly unproductive week. A big reason for that is I was wasting time reading all the stuff you’re about to click on. So, whether you’ve been incessantly clicking refresh on the Cru Jones Society waiting for more content, need a way to kill the remainder of your day because your main boss left but your other boss hasn’t, or can’t wait to read about tyrannosaurus rex, crazy Japanese time-wasting games, and how to combine whiskey and hamburgers into one hideous concoction, there’s something for everyone! Join me, won’t you… Continue Reading »

Growing up as an only child meant I spent a lot of time by myself. I used to invent ways to entertain myself and learned to enjoy my alone time immensely. It was not only fun, but practical too. As a kid, I learned a number of valuable skills (as well as some not-so-valuable skills) simply by teaching myself how to do them. I taught myself how to shuffle cards, rollerskate, blow a bubble with my gum, whistle, draw block letters, say the alphabet backwards, operate the VCR with my feet, and accomplish several other semi-useful tasks simply because I needed something to do.

People often ask me if I wish I had siblings to which I respond, “I don’t know.” I have no basis for comparison. I grew up the way I grew up, and in general, I’m happy with the way I turned out. Would having had siblings made me any better? Maybe. But I would never want to go back and find out. The reason: I had cool parents. I didn’t need siblings. I had my parents. Continue Reading »