Lookin’ sharp, douche nozzle

How did this get popular? Seriously? It’s half a haircut.

Either shave your head into a real mohawk, or don’t have one at all. You can’t have it both ways. This reminds me of approximately 15 years ago when rappers would wear their overalls with one of the fasteners unbuttoned so the flap was hanging down. Or something I still see today when some idiot has his pants hanging down around his ass. Either pull the pants up or don’t wear pants at all. You look like you’re in the process of getting dressed or preparing to be sexually attacked in prison.

On second thought, just pull your goddamn pants up. There is no second option. If you’re in public, you wear pants – no exceptions!

Same goes with faux-hawks. You’re not fooling anyone, you just look like you ran out of ideas. Ummm… maybe I’ll push my hair together so it looks like I’m making a church with it. No you won’t! You’ll either shave your head so there’s only one spiky strip remaining, which will be as cool as something from 1983 can be and will frighten old people and Eastern Asian tourists, or you’ll style your hair like a non-douche bag. No going half way here!

The only time a faux hawk is acceptable is if you’re in the shower with a girl (or another dude if you’re gay, I suppose) and she makes one for you with the shampoo. That’s it. All other times it’s either a real mohawk or none at all. This exception applies if you’re Ferris Bueller, too.

If you ever get a bug up your ass about wearing a faux-hawk, just remember the image below from the movie For Your Consideration:

Lookin’ sharp, Fred Willard

There. You’re cured. Don’t wear a stupid faux-hawk.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

cjs_final_mark.jpg