Cru Jones Society

 

It’s Monday morning as I post this, which means much of the working world has returned from its all-too-brief hiatus to continue to push whatever rock you were pushing last week ever further uphill for the rest of time. And, if you’re anything like me, you probably said some embarrassing shit to women this weekend as well.

I was at a barbecue this weekend filled with delicious charred mammal flesh, cold beer, a ping pong table and lots of friends. Everyone had a wonderful time and I managed to stick my foot in my mouth twice. The first time, one of my female friends made a mild joke about having a three-way with a couple dudes, so I instinctively called out, “I call pink hole!” like I always do when I’m around a bunch of dudes. It’s a funny joke, but not one usually fit for mixed company. Luckily, she laughed and I didn’t have to make an embarrassing apology.

The second time someone I didn’t know asked me which one my girlfriend was (since there were about 15 girls there, they all hang out together, and they’re all pretty similar). I didn’t quite know how to respond, but I knew that Lady E is, how shall we say, very well-endowed compared to the other girls. Since the filter from my brain to my mouth was apparently off having a smoke break, that’s how I started to describe her to the guy who asked. I said, “Well, she’s the one with the bigger…” at which point I realized the entire conversation centered around me and three other girls were looking on. My mouth filter apparently returned from its cigarette and found the entire operation in disarray, so I finished the sentence with, “…shoulders.” I figured it was better than saying, oh yeah, she’s the one with big boobs to a bunch of girls. Nothing like a little vapid chauvinism to impress some strangers…

But now the comment was just hanging there. Yep, that’s my lady. The one with the bigger shoulders. One of the dudes I was talking to even said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to say that.” Jesus, I’m an idiot. I immediately got up and explained what happened to Lady E, and to her credit, she found the entire thing hilarious. I felt bad about describing her to these people that way, but she said, “Oh, fuck it. Who cares. Just please think of some other way to describe me next time.” Lady E = cool chick.

Given this recent display of idiocy, it’s only fitting that today we’ll cover the other side of the coin from last week. Our topic was “10 Things You Should Never Say to a Guy.” In the interest of fairness, I’ll now take a look at “10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman.” I would cover “10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Gay Life Partner,” but apparently gay people don’t exist in relationship columns. All you gay folk are either communicating flawlessly or are still marginalized by an offensively heteronormative society. The smart money is the latter, but you never can be too sure, I guess…

Just like last week, this was taken from an article on msn.com. and you’ll find the selected offending phrases followed by the author’s explanation and my comments in italics underneath.

Let’s do it.

1. “What did you do to your hair?”

Unless we’ve cut our own hair-this is not common-someone else did something to our hair. It wasn’t us. And most likely we’ve gone to a lot of trouble and expense for it. “I like your new haircut” is infinitely better, and shows you’re paying attention. It’s also far superior to the generic “You look different,” which tells us you’re as clueless as ever.

I love this phrase, it sounds so accusatory. It’s like when the waitress comes up to Chris Farley in Tommy Boy and asks, “Good God, what happened to your face?”  But seriously, what kind of dumbass are you? You know it looks different, just compliment it even if she looks like Lloyd Christmas. She might take off her clothes for you if you work on your observational skills.

2. “They both look the same to me.”

We understand you care a lot less than we do about the outfits or the registry dishware we’re asking you to compare. But they can’t possibly look exactly the same, can they? Give us something. Anything. Mentally roll the dice and pick one, so we don’t worry about your vision-or worse, that you don’t care.

Well, the fears of the author are right on the mark. We don’t care. Seriously. And I love how this directly corresponds to #10 in “Things You Should Never Say to a Man.” Yes, we can see that the two dish patterns are differently, but what’s the difference? You’re just going to eat off this stuff anyway. Who cares what it looks like underneath that delicious pile of food? And as far as clothes go, I’ll repeat what I said last week: Wear something. Wear anything. You’re the one who has to deal with whatever repercussions stem from that choice, not us. Couples should get dressed in separate rooms from each other, and if at all possible, separate buildings.

3. “Relax.”

A kissing cousin to “Don’t get so worked up,” this generally creates the exact opposite effect you’re shooting for. When you say “Relax,” what we hear is that you think that we’re being irrational over nothing, and this makes us do anything but relax.

Comedian Todd Glass has a good approach to this one. If your girl gets worked up about something, you gotta come over the top of her and REALLY fly off the handle. Eventually, she’ll be calming you down and the threat will be over. It’s natural conversational dynamic.

“Geez, how long does it take for a grilled cheese sandwich?”
“I KNOW! Fuckin’ assholes at this place loafin’ around pickin’ their asses! This is bullshit!”
“Whoa, it’s okay. They’re probably just busy. We’re not really in a hurry anyway.”

Works like a charm. Added bonus: Have fun raising your voice and getting worked up. Since I work in a profession filled with candy asses, I don’t get to do this very often. Ranting about nothing is cathartic.

4. “I’ve got it all under control.”

Ha! Famous last words. Refrain from using them if you don’t want us to take fiendish delight in your getting lost because you won’t stop for directions (if we’re late, there will be fiendish fuming), or because you’re missing a piece to your flat-screen television because you said you didn’t need to read the assembly instructions.

As Dr. Claire Lewicki says in Top Gun 2: Days of Thunder, “You want to control something that’s out of control, right? That’s what you said?  I’m going to let you in on a secret that almost everyone else already knows. Control is an illusion. Nobody knows what’s going to happen next. Not on a freeway, not inside our own bodies, and certainly not on a racetrack.” I have nothing to add. That was a smart movie.

5. “You’re not one of those feminists, are you?”

Yikes. Chivalry may be nearly dead, but saying this will drive the last spear through its heart. Feminist or not, a woman is likely to be offended by the question. Just be yourself. Be kind, open the door, offer to pay, and go from there. We can choose to accept or share in your generosity.

I saw a shirt one time that said, “I speak fluent patriarchy. But it’s not my mother tongue.” I should have asked that woman the above question. I think she would have appreciated my dry wit and ironic insight.

6. “When are you due?”

Take one second to imagine a woman turning to you and responding, “I’m not pregnant,” or “I had the baby six months ago,” and you’ll understand why you should eradicate this question from your vocabulary. In one nanosecond, innocent-even considerate-curiosity can turn to deadly, if unintentional, offense. And there’s just no way to recover from this one.

The author is absolutely right about this. You take your life in your own hands with this own. But hell, why not go one step further? Why not just avoid pregnant women altogether? God knows she’ll end up talking your ear off about how she’s going to name it something obnoxious like Jaden or Tanner or Desdemona.

7. “You’re being emotional.”

In the heat of the moment this may be true. But unless you want your partner to become more emotional or get angry, you’re better off keeping this observation and its off-limits follow-up question-”Is it that time of month?”- to yourself.

Why even say this? Isn’t this statement true approximately 99% of the time anyway? If you say this to a woman, you need to follow it up with a disclaimer. “You’re being emotional… and I’m simple-minded.”

8. “You’re acting just like your mother/my mother/my ex-girlfriend.”

All three are problematic. An ex should be mentioned sparingly, and never in comparison. Why would we want to remind you of a person you broke up with? And come to mention it, why are you thinking about her? You see the slippery slope. Conjuring an image of our mother or your mother can be equally grating. We want you to treat us as individuals and not as mere products of your (or our) upbringing.

Most of life’s understanding comes from analogical reasoning, so it’s difficult to get away from this. We see something happen and we scan our brains trying to find a similar or congruous set of circumstances to better contextualize the present happening. Get over it. Just be happy we’re not saying something like, “You’re acting just like Walter Matthau.”

9. “You complete me.”

We’ve seen “Jerry Maguire” and most other romantic comedies far more often than you, and while we may (or may not) like cheesy movie lines, they usually fail in real life. We understand that the possibility of romance makes inexplicable things come out of a man’s-and sometimes a woman’s-mouth, but keep the compliments real and honest and sincere and say you love someone when you mean it.

Jerry Maguire was such a cheap trick. Looked like it was about sports. Seemed like it would be about sports. Wasn’t about sports. It was a brutal chick flick. If you’re quoting this to your lady, you’re gay. And maybe a scientologist.

10. “Do you really think you should be eating that?”

Yes. She should be eating it. Even if she told you she’s given it up.

The only time this is appropriate: You find her on her knees with a mouthful of your buddy’s manchicken. All other times, just ask if you can have some too… it’s probably delicious, and you’re a guy, so who the hell cares what you eat anyway?

That’ll do it for this round of relationship advice. If you find yourself saying any of these “taboo” phrases, just react by going “ba-dum-bum-ching!” while playing a fake drum set like you’re receiving a rimshot for your funny joke. Women love that.

Until next time…

edagger@crjonessociety.com