Since I only work a half day on Fridays, my afternoons usually consist of a nice lunch coupled with a splendid lunch beer, a trip to the gym, and watching whatever movie happens to be on one of the 25 pay movie channels. Obviously, Lady E does not have the same luxury which allows me to feed my shitty-to-marginal movie habit.
Today, I was surfing through the channels and stopped on Kindergarten Cop. This movie is a mid-afternoon classic bestowing upon us lines like “It’s not a too-mah!” and “Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.” Ultimately, Kindergarten Cop is cutesy as hell, but the movie’s climax features one of the most psychologically disturbing scenes ever captured on film.
Schwarzenegger has successfully passed himself off as a kindergarten teacher and figured out that his colleague is the former wife of the criminal, Cullen Crisp, he pursues at the beginning of the movie (and mother to the criminal’s son – a member of Schwarzenegger’s kindergarten class). When the witness who helped put Crisp behind bars ODs on whatever, Crisp is released from jail and comes to Oregon to kidnap his son and presumably kill his ex-wife. He sets a fire in the school’s library and snatches his son amid the chaos of the fire evacuation. This is all relatively normal given the context of the plot.
Here’s where it gets fucked up. Schwarzenegger finds Crisp who’s holding a gun to his son’s head while threatening to shoot his mom. Before Crisp can do anything, the ferret hiding in the kid’s shirt climbs up and bites Crisp on the face allowing him to escape and Schwarzenegger to blow his father to hell. Then the kid’s grandmother enters the frame and shoots Schwarzenegger. She’s about to put his lights out when Schwarzenegger’s partner shows up (who the kid thought was Schwarzenegger’s sister) after getting hit by a car and dispatches his grandmother with a baseball bat. Everyone lives happily after ever and Schwarzenegger comes back to teach kindergarten – assumedly forever thereafter.
Put yourself in this kid’s shoes. You’re six years old, and your dad, whom you haven’t seen in a few years, shows up threatening to kill your mom, holds a gun to your head, and tells you he’s taking you away to start a new life. He would have killed your mom had it not been for your kindergarten teacher who blew him to hell. Now your grandmother is in jail, and the lady who you thought was your teacher’s sister, but it turns out she’s just a hypoglycemic cop, beat the shit out of her with a baseball bat.
This kid is going to be messed up for a long time. My money’s on him looking like John Connor at the beginning of Terminator 2 in a few years: riding around with Bobby Budnick on his little motorbike, committing credit card fraud, and living with lowlife foster parents.
Did the end of Kindergarten Cop weird anyone else out? Or am I alone here in thinking the poor kid in this movie suffered worse mental damage than anyone outside of Dr. Evil having to grow up with crazy Belgian parents?
23 May 2008 E Dagger