Cru Jones Society

 

Welcome back from your three day weekend – provided you’re not working in the service industry, or are Lee S. Hart writing a multi-part series on life in retail. I work in an office where the hours are at least consistent, if not long. It’s been two years since I finished graduate school, and I’m still not used to this cockamamie schedule. I mean, really, a minimum of 40 hours per week? That’s sadism of the highest order. I need time to write about Kindergarten Cop and American Gladiators (post coming this week – you’re welcome, Gutter). Who else is going to tell you about embarrassing gaffes made when talking to the opposite sex? Who else will critique the dating columns so you don’t have to?! Who, I ask you! WHO?!

We’ll get to this week’s topic, “How to win back your gaming spouse” momentarily, but first a word about the weekend. This was a strange weekend socially for Lady E and me. Friday night some of our friends were out for happy hour as usual, so we decided to meet up with them. It wasn’t in any of our usual spots, and was actually in a part of town that we generally loathe. That was odd. Even stranger, none of the dudes we usually hang out with were around so, it was me and four chicks. And before you ask, yes, if I were black, we would have been perfectly set up to remake Designing Women.

Even more feminine was the place we were at. It’s a place that specializes in wine, sangria, and tapas. If you’ve never had tapas, just combine a bunch of weird appetizer food together and cut the portion in half. Everything will taste a bit strange, and no matter how much you eat, you’ll still mysteriously be hungry afterward. Wildly unsatisfying. Plus, I can’t think of a less hetero place for me to hang out on a Friday night. It’s me with a bunch of chicks, sharing tapas, drinking wine, and expositionally discussing our lives and the lives of those around us. Whatever the compensatory term for “fag hag” is, that was me (except these girls weren’t gay).

Since we were still hungry, Lady E and I, classy as ever, traipsed on down to the Qdoba for a burrito and a $1.50 Pacifico. This immediately refreshed my outlook, but also filled my belly since the burrito artist proceeded to cover my naked chicken burrito with a serving and a half of everything. I’m not kidding when I tell you that when he was done preparing my burrito, it must have weighed seven pounds. Fuckin shit, that’s too much sour cream! So, needless to say, we opted to go home and attempt to digest rather than meet back up with the ladies. Early night.

Saturday was pretty much more of the same, except the complete opposite of the night before. We headed to a bar to hang with the local jiu-jitsu school and watch the UFC pay-per-view. Pitchers of cheap beer flowed like the cuts from Sean Sherk’s face. Inappropriate jokes rang out like church bells. And my greasy cheeseburger was so large and greasy, I couldn’t even finish it. This was a man’s night as Hart, CJS reader keithage, and a couple other friends joined Lady E and I in cheap beer/greasy food/mixed martial arts nirvana. Plus, BJ Penn turned Sean Sherk’s face into hamburger in the main event capping off an incredible night of fights. Read Ben Miller’s recap here. We rendezvoused back at the house and watched Cru Jones tear it up in Rad. Awesome.

Sunday turned into Friday Pt. II as some of the ladies came to our house for pizza and Hop Skip and Go Nakeds.  If you’ve never had a Hop Skip and Go Naked, you’re in for a surprise. It tastes like a children’s drink, but packs a punch like a Long Island Iced Tea. It’ll get you what I like to call, “girl drunk.” After two glasses of this ridiculous concoction, I actually said to myself, “Geez, I’m getting a little tipsy.”

I’ve never said that to myself ever. That’s a phrase reserved for middle-aged women in Lifetime movies. I’m getting a little tipsy? Jesus. Who am I?

The thing of it is, there was no other way to describe it. I wasn’t drunk. I wasn’t especially buzzed. I was just… tipsy. You know – a bit off-balance, a tad wobbly, and with an unnerving feeling of closeness and platonic affection for your opposite gender friends. Watch out for this drink, fellas. Drink a few of them and you’ll suddenly start getting a little too interested in your female friend’s upcoming wedding. I had to drink a Leinenkugel’s just to come back to reality.

Anyway, one of the things that came up was one of the women who was here talked about her boyfriend playing Call of Duty over the Internet with Captain 9 Foot. Apparently, Captain 9 Foot had to stop playing one night to go to dinner because his wife was calling him from the kitchen. We’ve all been there – you got a good game going, and you’re suddenly derailed by your wife/girlfriend who just doesn’t understand the importance of blowing your friend to hell in the digital world. It’s one of the tradeoffs for getting to look at your lady’s goodies every night before bed. Sometimes the video games suffer.

But apparently, ending the video game habit is tougher for some couples. I found “Seven Ways to Win Back Your Gaming Spouse: Are games ruining your relationship? Fight back with these seven tips” by Mike Smith on Yahoo! personals a few weeks ago and figured there was no time like the present to critique another dating column. You can find the original article here.

And, as always, the actual column’s advice is below with my commentary in italics.

Let’s do it.

***

It might be hard to believe that a video game could destroy a relationship, (Um, no, given some of the dorks I used to write with on professional wrestling websites, I’m amazed they got to the point that they got to the point of having a woman break up with them) but after we talked to Jocelyn, a Californian whose six-year marriage dissolved when her husband developed a crippling addiction to the massively-multiplayer online game World of Warcraft, we were inundated with similar stories of woe and heartbreak.

Inundated? Really? If this is true, the game should come with a warning label like cigarettes.

It’s too late for Jocelyn — who divorced her husband in 2005 and has sworn to keep away from gamers altogether — but it might not be too late for you. If your significant other’s gaming habits are harming your relationship, here are seven ways to beat the game and reclaim your love life.

Step one: Give and receive more head.  

1. Learn from the game

Games like World of Warcraft use classic behavioral control techniques: they tie small rewards very closely to repetitive chores. If your spouse is neglecting household tasks — a common complaint among sufferers — try employing a little positive reinforcement. The next time he empties the trash, play a loud ‘Ding!’ sound and tell him his Refuse-Disposal skill just increased.

Hey, all right! Nothing like a little Pavlovian Conditioning to re-ignite the fire in the relationship! Treat him like he’s five years-old. That’s the ticket! This is perhaps the most demeaning piece of advice I’ve ever read, so I propose every time you see Mike Smith, you ring a little bell and kick him in the shins. If this happens enough, maybe we can just ring a bell and make his shins hurt. That would be science!

2. Suggest a date at a video game movie

Just make sure it’s a good one, because most of them are terrible.

Correction: Just make sure it’s not a Uwe Boll movie. Seriously, this guy has been called “a worthless, life-sucking little maggot” and has a petition online signed by more than 18,000  people created in an effort to prevent him from ever directing a film again. Check out the March 2008 edition of GQ for a fascinating article on him.

Resident Evil is a good choice, and assuming your spouse is male, the prospect of staring at Milla Jovovich for an hour and a half should certainly pique his interest. Don’t let him sneak off to play his game once the movie is done, either: segue into a more intimate scenario before it ends, or you’ll lose his attention.

Milla Jovovich was at her best in the movie Kuffs. When I was 14 I soooooo wanted to be Christian Slater. This movie also rules for opening with the song “The Future’s So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades” by Timbuk3.It shouldn’t surprise you that I own this shitty movie on VHS.

3. Fake a power outage; cuddle up with candles and a board game

No matter how bad your addiction is, you can’t play Warcraft with no electricity. Slip out to the junction box and flip the switch (after, of course, making sure any sensitive equipment is safely powered down). Your spouse will be devastated, but they’ll be looking for something to keep their mind off the game. What better chance to propose lighting a few candles and playing a round of Scrabble?

Hey, Scrabble! Mike Smith knows romance! Scrabble is one of the worst games ever created because you never play against someone of equal ability. One person ends up dropping a word like “quixotic” while the other person counters with “bus.” Feelings get hurt, Q and Z tiles get thrown, and sex doesn’t get had. Not good times, bad times.

4. Put some game into your nighttime activities

Hint: Don’t use Scrabble

If your spouse’s gaming addiction is cutting into your bedroom time, think about how you might switch up your usual routine. If they’re into military games like Call of Duty or Splinter Cell, uniforms aren’t hard to find (nor are night-vision cameras, if you’re game). But if they call you a “n00b,” it might be time to think about kicking them to the curb.

I don’t care what this guy says, I’m calling Lady E “n00b” tonight. She won’t get it, but when I tell my friends tomorrow, they’ll all laugh. And none of them will believe me because I don’t have the grapes to actually call her n00b. She’d wonder what it actually meant, and I’d explain it because I’m a huge pussy. She’d then make her dissatisfied, furrowed eyebrow, flat lips expression that she always does when I make some kind of off-color and/or super dorky joke and I’d seem like even more of a weird asshole than I already am.

5. Try a different kind of role-playing game

If you’re having trouble distracting your husband from the game, surprise him with a treat. World of Warcraft is packed with sexy female characters (and, let’s face it, most other video games). With a little effort in the wardrobe department, you can recapture his attentions by dressing up as a character from the game. We’d suggest a Night Elf as a good starting outfit. For bonus points, learn the character’s corresponding dance moves.

Ladies, if you’re dressing up as a video game character to attempt to woo your husband away from his idiotic, life-draining fantasy land, just give up. Buy some chardonnay, rent season 6 of “Sex and the City,” call your girlfriends, and plot how to get a real man. This dork is hopeless.

6. Get away from it all

Surprise your spouse with a weekend getaway to distract them from their addiction. Something that incorporates outdoor activities is best, because then he or she won’t have the time or energy to miss their game. Try skiing, mountain biking, watersports, or fishing, or head for an action-packed hotspot like Vegas or New Orleans. Stay away from relaxing beach vacations, and for goodness sake, leave the laptop at home.

And hey, if you’re still desperately clinging to this farce of a relationship, just bring the “Night Elf” costume on vacation too! You and he can dress up like a Paladin and a Rogue and annoy everyone you encounter with esoteric tales of virtual adventures.

7. If you can’t beat ‘em…

If all else fails, it’s time to consider extreme measures. Have you ever played the offending game yourself? Lots of couples play Warcraft (or similar online games) as a team, leveling up complementary characters and turning isolated and nonconstructive activities into good, old-fashioned quality time together. Most massively multiplayer games are deceptively easy to learn, and you’ll have the benefit of an in-house expert to answer your questions in exhaustive detail. Just be careful not to start shirking familial duties yourself.

Is Mike Smith on Blizzard Entertainment’s payroll? Are you kidding me? Again, ladies, if your man can’t tear himself away from druids, warlocks, and warriors in order to give you proper attention, tell him to shit in his hat. You have better things to do than join this life quicksand yourself. But he’s generally right. If you want your man to stop playing whatever game he’s playing too much, just start playing it yourself. He’s tried to escape into a world of his own, and you’ve just infiltrated it. Way to go.

Am I hard on this game? Yes. Do I suggest you spend every waking minute with your lady? Of course not. But if you’re not getting adequate satisfaction from your partner due to a VIDEO GAME, he’s probably not the one for you. Video games are fun and should be played. But if you’re making your lady suffer for the sake of existing in a virtual world, running up your statistics in MLB 2K7, or killing hookers in GTA IV, grow the hell up and give her the dicking she deserves. Or prepare to get PWND~! in the breakup.

And ladies, if video game nerds are your thing and your current one isn’t giving you the love you require, just swing by the hotel near the airport next time the comic-con is in town. There will be plenty of horny young lads ready and willing to worship your very presence. Plus, you can get some more mileage out of that Night Elf costume.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com