Cru Jones Society

Bad movies have clichés. In fact in many ways, bad movies are clichés. As a well documented fan of terrible movies, I feel well qualified to know a cliché when I see one. I realized something recently while glassy-eyed watching U-571 a while back after a long day of work. I had previously never seen this movie, and about halfway through watching I realized something that struck me as oddly profound. Every submarine movie I have ever seen is essentially the same. I’m far from an expert though, when it comes to movies about submarines. I wouldn’t even exactly classify myself as a fan, and aside from U-571 I probably haven’t seen a submarine movie since the last time I was watching Down Periscope on Comedy Central some morning for no other reason than it was on. I’d like to complete my research and be qualified to articulate exactly what it is about submarine movies that makes them essentially the same. After all, many movie genres have their own cliches, but I think it really goes deeper than that (get it? Deeper! haaawwww!).

So, come along with me on a journey below the sea, this is going to take some work, I had better break it down:

Step 1: Reactivate my Netflix account. My Netflix subscription is one of my most treasured little luxuries in life. Whether I feel the need to watch a new movie every night, or want to leave something sit on top of my DVD player for a few weeks before I get around to watching it, Netflix is going to charge me the same no matter what I decide to do. Shortly before moving from Colorado for a short four month stay in the asshole of the Western United States before moving on to Southern Arizona, I put my account on hold, and I haven’t reactivated it since. This will be the perfect opportunity. At last count I had around 200 movies waiting to be watched, and thanks to an unfriendly work schedule of late, I haven’t seen much in the way of new movies in the last year or so. It will take some dedicated watching to grind away at a queue of this volume.

Step 2: Find Submarine Movies. This is a task accomplished easily enough thanks to some random website. God bless the internet. I had a few in mind, but I’m not one to cut corners when it comes to research. Besides, some guy put forth the effort to make that website and its probably high time someone made marginally productive use of it.

Step 3: Make selections. In the end I’ve decided on the following: A classic, a comedy, the last 5 blockbuster sub flicks in recent, and a James Bond movie thrown in for good measure.

Crimson Tide,
Down Periscope,
U-571,
Ice Station Zebra,
K-19,
The Hunt For Red October,
The Spy Who Loved Me.

Step 4: Watch and learn. Naturally this would be a process that would take several days, and I don’t even like submarines that much. Fortunately I’ve just seen U-571 (or at least most of it before I fell asleep) so I won’t need to re-watch it.

Step 5: Complete step 1, Give up on steps 2-4 and write the article anyway. We’ve claimed to be a few things here at CJS, but well researched wasn’t ever necessarily one of them. I’ve seen most of these movies anyway, and probably a few others. I’ve got a life to lead, and re-watching The Hunt for Red October with the sole purpose of pinpointing clichés doesn’t sound like much fun right now. Fortunately for us all Wikipedia and IMDB should be able to fill in any gaps in my memory.

So, without any further unrealized planning. Here’s the list. The 9 Tenets of a Submarine Movie:

Sub Cliché #1: An insanely deep dive below crush depth.

Not only is this a cliché, its pointless, contrived and a sure sign of lazy writing. Nothing says sit on the edge of your seat like a bunch of tense seamen (hehe) looking terrified as the hull pings and pops under the incredible pressure as the captain orders the ship still deeper as the depth gauge goes way past the red part. Chances are this stunt manifests as part of an amazing getaway scene, or as the new cavalier captain finds out just what his ship can do, either way I’m not impressed. Moving on.

 

Sub Cliché #2: Sweaty Black Man

Now, I’m no expert on cinematic bodily fluids, nor would I want to be, but submarine movies are just downright sweaty, and for some reason nobody is ever sweatier than the poor black guy. We’re approaching Top Gun levels of male thermo-regulation here, and I’m not sure I really appreciate it.

Sub Cliché #3: The horribly disabled sub

It’s not only that the sub must become mangled beyond repair, this always seems to happen at the beginning of the movie, and somehow fails to affect the sub no more than an hour later. Apparently there is no damage a depth charge or torpedo can do that can’t be undone by a few turns of a big wrench on a huge pipe gushing water, unless of course you’re the bad guy and then if a torpedo explodes anywhere in your vicinity you’re pretty much doomed to be never heard from again. Or, as a pirate might say: “Arrr to Davy Jones’ Locker ye be plummetin”

Sub Cliché #3.5 Genius Electrician/Mechanic

Good thing for cliché 3, no ship is without the plucky, yet eccentric mechanic and or electrician, who in the fine tradition of Star Trek’s Scotty always manages to fix even the most dire problem with not a second to spare, and more than likely using some unconventional, and most likely unapproved technique and if that picture is any indication, he did it while he was drunk too.

Sub Cliché #4: Pointless dramatic scene at night in the rain

I don’t even know where the heck this cliché comes from, but somehow it always manages to happen. Apparently there are large storms in the middle of the ocean pretty much all the time, and if a sub needs to come to the surface for some reason, it’s pretty much guaranteed that its going to be in a downpour.

Sub Cliché #5: All the damn torpedo tubes stopped working.

Either that, or they’re out of torpedoes completely. (Probable precursor to cliché #8) Fortunately torpedoes seem to be much less effective than insanely circuitous half-baked plans and clever ruses that always seem to work perfectly, and according to the letter of some logistical nightmare that could never be predicted beforehand by actual human beings. After all, enemy subs use torpedoes all the time and all they ever seem to do is make pipes burst and occasionally flood non-essential parts of the submarine (see cliché #3).

Sub Cliché #6: Insubordinate Officer

This is really a cliché when it comes to any military movie, but becomes even more important on a submarine since for some reason the Captain and XO need to authenticate, counter authenticate, turn keys in unison, hold hands and sing a sea shanty in perfect harmony if they want to fire that nuclear missile, and it’s a good thing too, because no matter what firing that Nuke is never a good idea. I present to you the following exchange between Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington from Crimson Tide (thanks to IMDB):

Hunter: Captain Ramsey, under operating procedures governing the release of nuclear weapons we cannot launch our missiles unless both you, and I agree.
Capt. Ramsey: [shouting over Hunter] COB, what’re you waiting for?
Hunter: This is not a formality sir, this is *expressly* why your command must be repeated. It requires my assent, I *do not* give it and further more, you continue upon this course, and insist upon this launch without confirming this message first…
Capt. Ramsey: [shouting over Hunter] Son of a bitch. As commanding officer of the U.S.S Alabama I order you to place the X-O under arrest under charges of mutiny.
Hunter: I will act, backed by the rules of precedence…
Capt. Ramsey: [shouting at COB, over Hunter] I say again, as commanding officer of the U.S.S Alabama, I *order you*…
Hunter: -authority in command, regulations number 815, to relieve, you, of, command, captain.
Capt. Ramsey: -to place the X-O under arrest, under charges of mutiny!
[Silence all round]
Capt. Ramsey: COB!
Chief of the Boat: Captain, please, the X-O is right. We can’t launch unless he concurs.
Capt. Ramsey: [reads EAM] “To the U.S.S. Alabama: Rebel-controlled missiles being fueled. Launch codes compromised, dissidents threaten to launch at continental United States, set defcon 2. Immediately launch ten Trident missile sorties.” They’re FUELLING THEIR MISSILES! We don’t have time to fuck around!
Hunter: Sir, I think you need time to think this over.
Capt. Ramsey: *I* DON’T HAVE TO THINK THIS OVER!
Hunter: [stares at Ramsey, nodding] Captain, I relieve you of your command of this ship. COB, escort the Captain to his state room, I’m assuming command.
Capt. Ramsey: You’re not assuming anything!
Hunter: CHIEF OF THE BOAT, Captain Ramsey is under arrest, lock him in his state room!
Chief of the Boat: Captain, please…
Hunter: NOW, COB!

Sub Cliché #7: Gut wrenching dive that barely clears the bottom (hull?) of another ship

Somehow the crew on the ship seems to know just when the tall antenna thingy on the sub manages to clear the bottom of the other boat by mere inches despite the fact that there are never windows on a submarine and sonar could never hope to be that accurate. This little stunt seemingly confuses enemy tracking systems and allows a deft getaway. You may recall this cliché rearing its ugly head in the Hunt For Red October as the sub actually makes it in-between the propellers of the enemy ship in order to hide below it safe from enemy detection systems.

Sub Cliché #8: Captain’s far-to-overcomplicated-to-ever-work unorthodox brilliant plan that saves the day.

(fly, Dallas, Fly!)

At some point in the movie nothing on the hero submarine is working anymore, and certain death looms, there is nothing left to do but jettison trash, reprogram torpedoes, jump the submarine out of the water, dive into the deepest part of the ocean and rest on the bottom, navigate some kind of impassible channel, or driving (do you drive a sub?) the sub directly in the path of murderous torpedoes so as to hit them before they have a chance to arm themselves. I‘m no torpedo expert, but this seems stupid. After all, how many enemy subs in movies have been blown up as the result of a malfunctioning torpedo preventing the release of a torpedo from the ship? See clichés #1, 3, 5 and 7 for further reference.

Sub Cliché #9: The tense quiet scene.

Of the nine tenants, the intense silent scene is a guaranteed part of any movie that has submarines in it that are trying to blow each-other up.  Above any of the others, this alone is probably the reason that so many submarine movies are made, and why they seem to attract so many big name actors.  Will our heroes evade the circling enemy sub?  Will Harland Williams (thanks Deuce) manage to throw the bad guys off course with whale noises?  This is the kind of drama that people eat up, and I have to admit, it works.  We all collectively breathe a sigh of relief once the sonar guy indicates that the enemy sub is leaving the area.

In the end, I suppose I shouldn’t be too harsh. There are some some genuinely decent dramas out there that take place on a submarine, any subset of movies is going to have its share of similarities, and when push really comes to shove, there is only so much stuff that can happen on a SEVERAL HUNDRED FOOT LONG metal tube with no windows suspended beneath the ocean. Part of me would be interested in going back in time a little way to watch a classic like Ice Station Zebra, which I have never seen. (however I have always delighted in the little witicism at the Denver Zoo known as Ice Cream Station Zebra just a little more than an ordinary person should) and see just how far back these clichés go. So… There.

#186.. I’m sure I’ll get to that in approximately 7 years right after I watch the made for TV movies from 2004, the Vampire movie, and see Kevin Spacey as a serial killer.

senor.limon@crujonessociety.com