“What’s up with your eyebrows, dude?”

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge. I’m back once again to deconstruct more idiotic pop psychology and poke fun at moronic dating tidbits that poison the minds of people just looking to meet people and hopefully rub up against them naked. And, as before, this is all geared to heterosexual couples, so you gay folks must be either perfect relationship practitioners or invisible to the advice-giving community. My guess is the latter – stupid heteronormativity. Some dating advice is fine – although I stick by my assertion that all dating advice can be summarized with one rule:

Pay attention.

You pay attention to your mate, communicate with them, and everything else will fall in to place. It’s not that hard and it saves you the brain damage inflicted by hack columnists telling you how to handle your own relationship.

Before we get started, I’d like to thank my friends for continually complimenting Lady E’s shoulders. Thanks, fellas! In retrospect I should have just classified her as the one with big tits and dealt with the consequences of my perceived chauvinism from the girls looking on. It’s not like I’ve ever seen any of those people again, and honestly, what the hell do I care? Plus it’s true. Although, as I promised her, I will find better ways to describe her in the future.

Today’s topic is pickup lines, and comes courtesy of iVillage. I understand women’s frustration with lame male come-ons, and as someone who writes for a living, the uninspired tripe spewed by my contemporaries in hopes of initiating conversation is appalling. A little creativity and sincerity goes a long way and spares wary females the trite claptrap you think is unspeakably witty because Seth Rogen said it in some Knocked Up outtake. I get this.

The article below, however, takes the argument a step further and replaces playful repartee with unnecessary nastiness and compensatory clichés. The answers to these lame pick up lines appear to come from women who read too much Candace Bushnell, but contain less than 1/10th her careful subtlety and incisive wit.

So let’s take ‘em down a peg or two. What follows is a series of lame come-ons, followed by iVillage’s suggested rebuttals, concluded with my responses in italics. This article got under my skin to the point of propelling me into E Dagger Pissface Mode. So, there’s some fire in these responses. Just wanted to give you a head’s up in case some of my responses are a tad saltier than usual. Read on and enjoy!

19 Clever Pickup-Line Comebacks

If we had a dollar for every time we’ve heard a lame pickup line… we’d be rich enough to buy our own drinks, thank you very much!

Then fucking do it for once. Or how about initiating a conversation once in a while to spare yourself from hearing these dorky chestnuts?

Ever wonder what the perfect comeback would be to convey just how not interested we are?

No.

For help, we went straight to the source – our friends from Answerology.com. Now we can give Mr. Old Enough to Be Our Dad, Mr. Shorter Than Us…Without Heels, Mr. Popped Collar and even Mr. Drunk Enough to Be Escorted Out a taste of their own medicine.

Ok, I understand shooting down Mr. Old Guy in the Club, the Popped Collar Douchebag, and Drunky the Beer Clown… but the Short Guy? How cruel is this? Like short guys don’t have enough problems, they’re now getting shot down by some unclever bitch at the corner bar just for being short? Fuck you, iVillage!

He says: Can I buy you a drink?
You say: Actually, I’d rather have the money.
E Dagger says: Why? Is your pimp threatening to “choke a bitch” again?

He says: I’m a photographer and I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
You say: I’m a plastic surgeon and I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
E Dagger says: Actually, I’m not picking you up, I’m shooting a commercial about surviving a skin graft and thought you’d be perfect. 

He says: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
You say: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
E Dagger says: Your talent for malapropisms is without peer. It’s like deja vu all over again!

He says: How did you get to be so beautiful?
You say: I must’ve been given your share.
E Dagger says: Funny. Seriously, are you like some sort of beauty robot or something? If so, you should mate with Johnny 5 and create the sexiest robot of all time!

He says: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
You say: Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.
E Dagger says: I see. Have fun bleeding then, and say hi to your Haagen Dazs for me.

He says: Your face must turn a few heads.
You say: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
E Dagger says: And your ass must have turned into cottage cheese. Hey-oh!

He says: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!
You say: Okay, get out!
E Dagger says: (Just leave. If you use the “He says” line, you’re an asshole. There is no coming back from that.)

He says: I think I could make you very happy.
You say: Why? Are you leaving?
E Dagger says: No. But I’m rich, and you look like the kind of girl who’d let me take a dump on her for less than $100.

He says: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
You say: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.
E Dagger says: But I’ll bet you can cry and give head at the same time like when you were with your step-father.

He says: Can I have your name?
You say: Why? Don’t you have one already?
E Dagger says: Fine, I’ll name you myself. I choose…Syphilis Cunningham.

He says: Shall we go see a movie?
You say: I’ve already seen it.
E Dagger says: Didn’t know you were such a fan of hardcore German sheisa porn…

He says: Where have you been all my life?
You say: Hiding from you.
E Dagger says: Ok, now it’s my turn. Close your eyes and count to 100, and I’ll go hide. (When she closes her eyes, throw your drink in her face and steal her wallet. Heh heh, that’ll teach her.)

He says: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
You say: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
E Dagger says: I thought it got better after you left.

He says: Is this seat empty?
You say: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
E Dagger says: Ok, thanks. I don’t like sitting next to uggos.

He says: So, what do you do for a living?
You say: I’m a female impersonator.
E Dagger says: Oh. Thanks, dude. Nice Adam’s apple.

He says: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
You say: Do not enter.
E Dagger says: That’ll change. Let’s get you a GHB & Tonic!

He says: Your body is like a temple.
You say: Sorry, there are no services today.
E Dagger says: I meant Buddhist Temple! Nice harpoon scar! Ha ha! BURN!!!!!!!!

He says: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
You say: If I could see you naked, I’d die laughing.
E Dagger says: Well, laughter is the best medicine and might cure your raging bitch cancer.

He says: Where have you been all my life?
You say: Where I’ll be the rest of your life – in your wildest dreams.
E Dagger says: Sounds good. It’s sticky there. (Then bust out your Polaroid camera, take her picture, and write at the bottom “For stroke.” That ought to freak her out.)

And with that, I’ll return to your wildest dreams until Thursday. Anything you can classify as a pickup line is going to suck, but there’s no need to get ugly about it. If you do, like these nasty bitches at iVillage, E Dagger’s got your back.

If you want to impress a woman, compliment her shoulders. That one always makes ‘em melt. Just ask Lady E.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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