Welcome to the Business Lists

A quick word about the site before we jump into today’s nonsense. You may have noticed Lee S. Hart’s posts have been less frequent over the last few weeks. Since terminating his abusive relationship with the world of retail, he’s busied himself with finding his way through another complicated web of crap known as the corporate world. He’ll be taking some time off from CJS over the next couple of weeks.

Senor Limon and I will pick up the slack and do our best to maintain our daily updates and hopefully continue to make you laugh at our nonsense. Sr. Limon has been busy with his own work-related insanity, and considering his real life job is much more intense than most of ours and requires dedication more rigorous than our ability to show up and phone it in if we want to, he hasn’t posted as much as he’d like either. He tells me things are slowing a bit and he’ll be back for three brand new posts next week, and probably two this week (barring any unforeseen calamity).

And since we’re talking about work, and since everyone loves lists (I guess. Just go with me on that), I’m proud to present the first ever collection of Cru Jones Society Business Lists! Hopefully, this becomes a recurring feature here at CJS, and we’re here to kick it off with our first 8 lists. Feel free to leave a comment if you believe I’ve missed something or disagree. I look forward to hearing your responses!

Now then, let the List-o-mania commence!

Top 5 Best Food Coma Inducing Lunches

Comes with a coupon for angioplasty. Bonus!

  1. Chicken Queso Nachos from Qdoba
  2. “The Meats” pizza from Papa John’s
  3. Maryland style crab cake sandwich from ESPN Zone (R.I.P)
  4. Hickory Burger from Rock Bottom Brewery
  5. Drinking more than one beer with lunch and coming back to a warm office, an assortment of boring-ass writing assignments and a door that closes

I wrote this before lunch and got ridiculously hungry. I looked up the ESPN Zone’s menu online and they no longer offer the Maryland style crab cake sandwich. Talk about an unexpected punch in the gut. I now know how people felt after the JFK assassination. I was going to walk over there, but now my life feels so empty.

Top 5 Stupidest Ways to Wear a Tie

Jazz hands will distract them from my tie

  1. Too short – The Chris Farley look
  2. With a tie tack – The 1950s politician look
  3. With a tie clip – The dorky cop look
  4. With a gargantuan tie knot – The Tony Reali from “Around the Horn” look
  5. With no tie and the top button fastened anyway – The South of France rich playboy jagoff look

You’d think people would have this basic male accessory figured out by now, but everyday there’s some idiot wearing his tie wrong in your building. How does this happen? Do these men not have wives? Can they not Google “how to tie a tie?” Seriously…

Top 5 Most Hilariously Career-Ending Ringtones

Nellyville: 20 Miles Northwest of Pinacoladaburg

  1. “Hot in Herre” by Nelly
  2. “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany (men only)
  3. “Area Codes” by Ludacris (even funnier if you’re a woman)
  4. “Idiot Son of an Asshole” by NOFX
  5. “Necropedophile” by Cannibal Corpse

I doubt “Necropedophile” is even available by ringtone, but you can do amazing things with Bluetooth technology now. Of course, I doubt anyone would recognize the song and considering how indecipherable Cannibal Corpse is, passersby would probably just mistake the sound for a nearby garbage disposal going off.

Top 5 Times to Show Up For Your Standard 8-5 Day

  1. 8:03
  2. 7:59
  3. 8:14
  4. 7:50
  5. 9:45 (~!)

That last one is reserved for when you’re hungover, are in the last week of an old job before starting a new job, have a “client meeting” or “networking breakfast” (read: can’t find the will to come in and face another soul-sucking day in a thankless job without another hour’s sleep) or are just so badass everyone in the office is afraid of you.

Top 1 Waste of Time

“I didn’t realize you had a glass eye. Sorry!”

  1. Staff meeting

Seriously, just shoot everyone in the head instead. If anyone anywhere has ever gotten anything out of any staff meeting they have ever attended, please speak up. I’m dying to hear it.  You’d be the first. Otherwise, I don’t think there is a fatter waste of time ever conceived than this. I get especially pissed off during staff meetings because I have billable hour targets for my client that I’m supposed to hit for fear of having a long boring talk with my supervisor about it. This is just cutting into it and making my life more difficult.

Top 5 Best Distractions at Work

That’s what I’m talkin’ bout!

  1. Too much cleavage showing on the receptionist (for young, hot receptionist)
  2. Bagels/Donuts in the conference room (Half donut-eater be damned!)
  3. Bill Simmons Marathon Chat on ESPN.com
  4. Cru Jones Society comments section (Keep leavin’ em, everyone! It’s entertainment Limon, Hart and I don’t have to come up with.)
  5. Two people having a mid-afternoon shag at the Westin with the shades up directly across from my office.

I’ll never forget those folks at the Westin. What an awesome day. Sure, they may have been old, flabby, and pale, but he was ramming it home from behind while her face was pressed up against the window facing my office. How can you not smile? It was 2:30 on a Thursday. Has anything good ever happened at work at 2:30 on a Thursday? Never. This was the entertainment rainstorm in the otherwise boring desert of our day-to-day grind.

Top 5 Worst Distractions at Work

PC load letter? The fuck does that mean?!

  1. Too much cleavage showing on the receptionist (for old, gnarly receptionist)
  2. Fax machine on the copier across from my office that tries to dial ALL THE LIVELONG DAY
  3. Inability to stop flatulating
  4. Brain-splitting hangover from previous night’s kickball game/softball game/Beirut tournament/Real World: Hollywood marathon/regular Tuesday alcoholism
  5. Staff meeting (seriously, what a fucking waste)

Nothing worse than that crusty old admin assistant who smells like moth balls and potpourri and insists on wearing skirts so you can get a big ol’ eyeful for her spider veins. Good God. Or God help you on the day you have gutrot and are trying to ease it out without poisoning your cubicle mates. Not good times, bad times.

Top 5 Things I Could Have Been Doing While Writing This

  1. Pretending to work
  2. Actually working
  3. Reading about the Cubs/Rockies/UFC
  4. Hunting down that bastard who took the crabcake sandwich off ESPN Zone’s menu
  5. Writing tomorrow’s CJS post

In fact, I’ll do that now. See you then.