Dear Car Warranty Jerks,

Yes, it may be true, that my car’s warranty has in fact recently expired. However I question the logic in your business practices. You have been calling me in an attempt to sell an extended warranty for my vehicle for roughly the last 6 months. I do not appreciate finding the second half of your automated recorded message on my voicemail roughly once a week, and I most certainly do not appreciate your practice of putting me on hold should I actually make the choice to “press 1 to speak with a representative.” Granted, I only do this to repeatedly request that I be put on your do not call list.

I find it both interesting and infuriating that you keep calling despite the fact that I have requested on numerous occasions that I be placed on your “do not call list,” filed a formal complaint with the National Do Not Call registry, as well as attempted to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. Unfortunately it would seem that none of the 12+ different phone numbers you have used to call my phone in the last month are actually registered to any kind of legitimate business. Therefore making a complaint to the BBB impossible. My own research has indicated that the numbers all trace back to a business in Las Vegas, NV, and the middle of nowhere, TX. However further research of both of these companies reveals that they are agencies that exist only to provide local phone numbers and 1-800 service (presumably) to people conducting legitimate business. I wonder where it is that you’re really calling from. Next time I happen to be at my dealership I plan to have a little chat with the service manager there to find out if they do sell my information to undesirable entities such as yourselves, however, I honestly doubt it.

The many operators I have now spoken to, who have done everything from politely claiming they will put me on their do not call list, pretending to be surprised when I explain that they are making illegal unsolicited phone calls to a cellular telephone, and promising will do something about it right away to putting me on hold for 15 minutes when I demand to speak with a supervisor and then hanging up on me. You’ve also simply hang up without another word when I start into an angry tirade about how, if in the extremely unlikely event that I decide that I want to purchase an extended warranty for my vehicle, I would go out of my way to make sure that the warranty I purchased had absolutely nothing to do with your shitty company thanks to your insistence to make weekly unwanted phone calls to me.

I have but one question for whoever is in charge of whatever floating platform off the coast of Guam you have been using to perpetrate the harassment upon innocent unsuspecting Americans without being sued out of existence by the American people, or arrested by federal agents: Perhaps the warm Caribbean sun has baked your brain, sir or madam but how is it exactly, that you hope to make money by calling me so much? I clearly don’t want your stupid warranty, if that is in fact what you’re selling, and not something much more far sinister such as trying to obtain my credit card information or bank account numbers, in which case I am clearly not going to give you my personal information. At this point we’re both wasting each other’s time, and you’re wasting your money making a costly and (at this point I can only assume) international phone call, to be yelled at or ignored by me. Is this seriously your idea for a profitable business? Criminal or otherwise, you owe it to yourself to find the nearest community college and take a few business classes. There are better ways to make money than this.

It is time for me to start taking matters to the next level. Complaining, yelling, and begging to be removed from your list of people to annoy is clearly not working. It is time for me to reach deep down, into the depths of my humanity, and employ the one tactic I have left in my arsenal that I know to have a 95% or greater rate of success in making someone want nothing to do with me.

I am going to start hitting on you.

That’s right, from now on, regardless of the sex of the person on the other end of the phone, my goal is to relentlessly, unashamedly, and with complete disregard for human decency make sexual advances on the unsuspecting person on the other end of the telephone until I force them to hang up on me. As far as I’m concerned from now on, every time you call I’ve had a few too many beers, and you’re a cute 20 something that has made the mistake of wandering away from her friends.

Unless I miss my guess I should stop receiving calls within a couple weeks. You have been warned.

Sincerely,

Senor Limon

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