Pay that man a compliment!
Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge. Haven’t had any Rad-related pictures up here in a while, felt like we were past due. E Dagger here to guide you through the dating and relationship minefield. Senor Limon will drop in Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday with his unique perspective on things, and I’ll make another appearance on Thursday with some yet-to-be-determined goodness. In the meantime, it’s time to dissect more advice. Pull up your favorite easy chair, pour yourself a glass of cognac and settle in for another addition of the Cru Jones Love Lounge. (If you’re at the office substitute “easy chair” for “adjustable desk chair;” “cognac” for “mild/shitty coffee;” and “settle in” for “double check for boss passing by office/cubicle.”)
I thought I’d try a different type of article this week – one not warranting ridicule, scorn and vitriolic responses, but one that’s heart is in the right place. Where iVillage offered nothing but petty and unfunny responses to pickup lines, Redbook magazine has compiled “20 No-Brainer Ways to Make Him Feel Special.”
All things considered, this is a sweet article, but that doesn’t mean we can’t poke fun at it and help these ladies tweak their suggestions to more accurately play to the male frame of mind, does it? I thought not. As always, you can find the original article here.
Okay dudes, let’s walk this sucker.
20 No-Brainer Ways to Make Him Feel Special
Flatter, compliment, and flirt to give your mate’s ego (and your love life) an instant boost.
Shameless flattery. Google-eyed awe. Clichéd compliments. You and I would never fall for such stuff. But guys do. So make him feel good with these ego boosters.
Right. Women are immune to baseless flattery. Mmm hmmm. I can’t tell if the author is winking with this statement or if it’s flat out denial. Rather than worry about it, let’s just move on to these so-called “ego boosters.”
1. Be very impressed with his uncanny ability to read maps and figure out shortcuts that shave a full six seconds off his driving time.
This compliment works with everyone except Sr. Limon. If you compliment his map-reading skills, he’ll just think you’re mocking him. Because you are. Because he has a terrible sense of direction. And Limon, that one time you were right about the way to get home from the party in college is null and void because I was stoned.
2. When you catch someone checking him out, let him know (even if it’s another guy).
Getting checked out is always an ego boost. Unless you’re getting ogled by really old people or like a former gym teacher or something. Then it’s just gross.
3. Mastery of power tools is a deep wellspring of male pride. Ask frequently to have things mounted, fixed, planed, hung, adjusted, what have you, and be flabbergasted at how quickly and professionally he gets the job done.
This compliment works with everyone except me. If you ask me to mount, fix, plane, adjust or otherwise tinker with something, I’ll just think you’re mocking me. Because you are. Because I’m terrible at crap like this. Lady E always tells me she’s going to make me a good husband for someone by taking me to the Home Depot and showing me how to fix and build things. I tell her I’m going to make her a good wife for someone by finally shutting her up. Neither of these things has happened.
4. Flirt with him in inappropriate places: family dinners, crowded elevators, parent-teacher conferences.
Is there a man that wants this? This seems to me like the adult equivalent of pants shopping with your mom when she says, “Well, there seems to be plenty of room in the crotch.” You’re uncomfortable, you think everyone’s watching, and you’d rather she didn’t tug on your crotch in public. Gotta disagree with Redbook here.
5. Leave the lid up for him (even if it kills you).
The best tip in this article. You want to make your man feel special, don’t complain about the lid always being up, give him the old rope-a-dope and put it up for him. This will confuse the hell out of him and probably cause him to start putting it down to reciprocate the nice gesture. I’m taken aback by the simple brilliance of this suggestion.
6. Lavish him with compliments that are obviously unique to him. Little things, like he has sexy ears, or you love the way he slices an onion.
Allow me to beat the drum one more time: Pay attention. By crafting unique compliments, you’ve demonstrated your ability to notice the small things. Every good piece of relationship advice springs from this one simple truth.
7. When something’s wrong with your car, ask him to take a look under the hood, even if he knows diddly about cars. Afterward, tell him it’s running much better. Then drive straight to the mechanic.
In my case, just drive straight to the mechanic. See #3. But, if you drive straight to the mechanic before the car is smoking/stalling/on fire, you’ve at least shown that you recognize something’s wrong before things got catastrophic.
8. Make a screen saver out of his most adorable baby picture.
This is embarrassingly cute. It’s so cute, I can’t in good conscience make fun of it. But I can sit here and be vaguely uncomfortable by one of my baby pictures on someone’s screen saver. So that’s what I’ll do.
9. Every male has physical features he hates. Convince him that you find his sexy. As in, “Shoulder hair rocks my world” or “Rub me all over with that great big belly of yours.”
No tone of voice exists to say “Rub me all over with that great big belly of yours” that doesn’t indicate mocking ridicule. And ladies, if your man does have a great big belly, do you really want it rubbed all over you? That sounds like fodder for weird fetish porn.
10. Challenge him to an arm wrestle (unless you can beat him).
I have no idea what to do with this. You’re on your own.
11. Compliment his driving. Use words like masterful and in control. (Please note: Do not do this in tandem with a request for him to do all the driving on a particular trip.)
Additional suggestion: If your man eats the middle of your ice cream sandwich exceptionally well (if you catch my drift – don’t want anyone’s work internet filter to start spazzing out), the words “masterful” and “in control” also work well. These are words that don’t get enough play when you and your lady are doing the no-pants dance, I feel.
12. Tell him there’s something about his favorite athlete that reminds you of him.
This doesn’t work if his favorite athlete is Sal Fasano. No one wants to be like Sal Fasano. Mine was Mark Grace who was a blond guy that smoked cigarettes, made inappropriate jokes, and coined funny terms when he wasn’t playing his ass off and hitting above .300. I’ll take comparisons to him any old day of the week. This could also work during a fight. i.e. “You blew that dinner party with my parents like Dexter Wynn used to blow coverage at CSU.”
13. Act jealous every now and then – even if you’re not.
Just don’t act jealous of other women. If you’re relationship is committed, there’s nothing to worry about. If you act jealous of how we absolutely NAILED that parallel park job, or how we can guide the Avalanche to the Cup every single season on Xbox, then yeah, jealousy is cool!
14. Call him in the middle of the night when you’re out of town and tell him you can’t sleep without him beside you. (Use sparingly.)
Calling in the middle of the night while the two of you are apart will result in you hearing either a) one of his idiot friends drunkenly quoting Super Troopers too loud, or b) a mildly-annoyed, gravelly-voiced man trying to get you off the phone while he still has some hope of falling back asleep without turning on the TV. The sentiment is sweet, but it can wait ‘til morning.
15. Don’t overlook the basics. Tell him he’s a terrific father. Tell him he’s smart. Tell him he’s handsome.
Lady E calls me handsome all the time. It never gets old. You can’t go wrong with things like this. All my ex-girlfriends ever said was that I was “hot.” This is fine once in awhile, but handsome carries much better distinction and means a lot to a man who has worked hard to put himself together.
16. Compare him (favorably) to your old boyfriends.
I have no idea how to say this in a funny way, so I’ll just say it. I can’t think of a quality on which to compliment your man where he’d want to be like your old boyfriend. No matter how remarkably similar the two qualities may be, even if it’s just the speed with which he can change your oil, I don’t think there’s a man alive who wants to be measuring himself against some invisible past standard-bearer. This is not an evil compliment, but a confusing one for a guy.
17. Rave about his cooking, even if Dinty Moore did all the prep work. Take a small first helping so he can see you go back for seconds.
Lady E always tells me I make awesome grilled burritos even though all I do is slap some beans, cheese, and Taco Bell Fire Sauce in a tortilla and throw it on the Foreman grill. She also says I make the best Toasties – nothing more than a modified grilled cheese. I don’t think either of these things is special, I just think it’s nice when someone else cooks for you.
18. Boast about his latest accomplishment (say, the new sink he installed) to your friends while he’s there. Omit unflattering details (faucets reversed, U-joint spritzing water onto linoleum).
This suggestion is fine, but it’s better if she brags about it to HER friends while you’re around. If you’re a dude, your friends don’t give a shit about what you did around the house and how you pleased your lady – they’re already your friends and they already know you’re whipped. Winning over her friends can be much more challenging, so having her talk up your accomplishments goes a long way in winning that war.
19. When you overhear your kids bragging about him to their friends, tell him what they said.
This one applies to MILFs only, apparently. I’ve never dated a woman with kids, and it’s probably a good thing I haven’t. God knows I’d forget about who I was dating and end up playing video games with her kids all the time. Then you’d have to deal with the weirdness of having to tell her kids you couldn’t hang out with them anymore because their mom wants to take pipe from some other dude. It’d be like that scene in Look Who’s Talking when John Travolta tells Mikey his mom thinks he’s a big kid and wants a more responsible man. Weirdly sad scene. On a quasi-related note: When I was 8 I watched this movie about 10 times in three days. I think my parents nearly disowned me.
20. Compliment (frequently) his impeccable taste – in clothing, in films, and in women.
And get yourself a nice backdoor compliment in the process. Heh heh, backdoor…
There’s nothing like an immature reference to funky butt loving to end this week’s Love Lounge. Have a great week, and I’m sure we’ll see you soon.
And like Droopy Dog says, “Flip it around and hit it from the back door.”
Until next time…
23 Jun 2008 E Dagger