Cru Jones Society

 

Stuff White People Like recently had a contest inviting its readers to submit their own entries. Over 650 entries were received and only five winners were chosen. I submitted two. Neither of them was chosen. In the spirit of full disclosure, I’d like to share with you my thoughts on the winners, put my entries on display for your appraisal, and welcome you to comment on the process.

When writing an entry for Stuff White People Like, I found matching the tone of Christian Lander’s previous entries to be paramount in getting chosen as a winner. He’s created a unique cultural artifact that expands a small and little developed section of sociology in a hilarious and groundbreaking way. Stuff White People Like really only pertains to a small subset of white folks, but this is key to the site’s success. It reads like a guide to dealing with white people for everyone else like they wouldn’t know how. It reminds me of instructional videos from the 1950s that treat blacks, gays, and other minorities like space aliens. I love the idea of someone sitting at home reading this website thinking, “Oh, so I shouldn’t get mad at this whitey for pirating music, I should compliment them on subverting corporate record labels. God, this is so helpful!”

It rearranges the entire game board of traditional sociology by treating whiteness as strange and everything else as normal. It’s like every episode of “The Twilight Zone” you’ve ever seen. And since the site’s primary readers are white, and it’s always fun to read about yourself from someone else’s perspective, the site becomes even more effective. Example: Who hasn’t been fascinated by the results of a personality test they just took about themselves? You already know how you are, and here’s someone else telling you exactly what you already know, but you’re transfixed like you’re watching the Aurora Borealis for the first time or something. You live hearing about yourself.

Stuff White People Like does exactly this. It allows white people, albeit a very small subset of white people – left-leaning, well-to-do, enviro yuppies, to see themselves as weird for once and perhaps gain perspective in an ironic manner their life of privilege. Entries almost always focus on the dissonance between a white person’s ideology and their ultimate and unashamed consumerism and ignorance.

It was this spirit that I tried to capture in my entries, and it was this spirit that I felt was lacking from the winners. Whether I was successful or not will be up to you. But here are my thoughts on the winners:

1. Menus with no decimal places – Poor word choice in the title aside (what’s wrong with “Menu prices without decimals”), this was a brilliant idea backed up by profoundly mediocre writing. The author could have played this in a number of ways, the best of which, in my opinion, would have poked fun at effete, over analytical PR people such as myself who will shamelessly try anything to sell you something including writing the price differently failing to realize that ultimately food decisions always amount to how hungry you are. Instead, this entry meandered through a few poorly-explored points and limped across the finish line with a ghastly reference to the “white mind.” Who wrote this entry? Georges Vacher de Lapouge?

2. Appearing Empathetic with Personal Anecdotes of “Poverty”- This entry didn’t know the difference between sympathy and empathy first of all, and used the terms interchangeably throughout the article. That was annoying. More importantly, the tone missed the mark entirely and lacked the light-hearted spirit of Lander’s entries. After reading it, all you thought was, “Gross. White people are ignorant scum.” That’s not comedy, that’s just sad-ass reality.

3. Being Excessively Early For Events, Classes, Meetings, Work, Parties, Etc – Too long a title, and not even true. The white folks parodied on this site defy easy punctuality characterization. The author incorporates too many different groups in her offering – people early to class and people who camp for days waiting for concert tickets are two entirely different sets of people – and, as a result, muddles her point. The tone was off, the insights were pedestrian, and the writing was uninspired. Next.

4. Comparing People to Hitler - Probably the closest one to hitting the mark. White people get outraged at ridiculous shit, and their liberal use of Hitler comparisons demonstrates this brilliantly. Really? Your biology professor was like Hitler? Mmmkay. Where the article goes off track is by asserting white people are fond of other dictators such as Castro or Stalin. I can’t think of one person anywhere of any race fond of Stalin. Yikes.

5. Statistics – An old joke beaten to death years ago. “X% of statistics are made up on the spot.” That’s the underlying joke here. People quote obscure, and often completely made up, statistics to make themselves sound smart. Everyone knows this, and the point is simply passé. Wake me up with a real insight.

Now that I’ve come off like the comedy police and a complete dick, you’ll find below my two offerings. I’m not a perfect writer, but I think my entries are better than the ones referenced above. Feel free to comment. Big ups to Lady E for helping refine the focus of these ideas and editing for size and clarity. And remember, no matter how insightful Stuff White People Like is, it’ll never top this.

E Dagger SWPL Entry #1

Pridefest

It’s well-documented that white people enjoy having gay people in their circle of friends. Including a gay person in social gatherings allows a white person to show other white friends that they are far more advanced than traditional white groups. If there is a black person included in a white social outing – be it a co-ed sports league, 80′s night, or pub crawl – a white social group has achieved social transcendence.

However, in the absence of a black person, a gay friend will suffice. This allows each member of the white social group to say to other white acquaintances when asked, “So, do you guys always go out for happy hour together?” to respond, “Yes, and we always make sure to hit [insert name of gay bar] so [insert name of gay friend] can meet up with his/her friends.” This will demonstrate to the white acquaintance that you’re socially progressive and seek not to exclude anyone.

This experience culminates in each year’s PrideFest – an event designed to enhance solidarity among gay people and allow straight white people to alleviate the guilt of their hetero-normative behavior and partake in fun, rainbow-colored festivities.

White people are allowed to hoot, holler, and exhibit extroverted behavior normally reserved for political rallies and ironic depictions of pop culture from their youth during PrideFest. This is an important outlet for white people as they showcase how socially progressive they are by supporting a subjugated group of people while allowing their inner-selves to release pent up frustration at the failure of government to legally sanction gay marriage as they recoil at the continuation of policies that inhibit renewable energy development (another important white social cause).

PrideFest is a date white people circle on their calendar not only to celebrate an alternative lifestyle, but to declare their moral superiority for supporting an alternative lifestyle. If you see a straight white person at PrideFest, make sure to thank them for “supporting the movement.” This will make a white person feel extra special even though they’re just happy to be a part of the solution to social inequality.

E Dagger SWPL Entry #2

Craigslist

Craigslist is an online market that serves as a way for white people to buy and sell goods in a forum connecting themselves with other white people. It is doubly functional as a way for white people to subvert the capitalist edifice that governs the way white people must make the majority of their other purchases.

Craigslist allows white people to post their goods and services – be they retro furniture, a hybrid car they no longer need because they accepted a job that allows them to bike to work, or yoga classes taught at the local urban public park – in a way that denies the corrupt capitalist machine an avenue of bourgeoisie subjugation.

White people long for ways to challenge the capitalist domination they face on a daily basis, unless buying from a corporation such as Target, Apple, or Whole Foods. Craigslist allows them to do this. Craigslist has no discernable CEO, no carbon-hoarding storefront, and no oppressive advertising campaign. White people can feel good happening upon the website and perusing the wide variety of goods and services without corporate interference.

Buying a good or service from a vendor on Craigslist allows white people to feel good because they have not only undermined the corporate business system, but also supported a local white person in their entrepreneurial endeavor. Perhaps this person has only ridded themselves of a pair of unwanted upholstered chairs that don’t fit with their new sustainable living complex, but the person purchasing them has saved themselves a trip the local furniture store and provided the seller with money that can be used to buy an expensive panini, 12 pack of microbrew, or excursion to the local ski resort for a weekend of snowboarding.

Craigslist is vital to the consumer needs of white people. By placing an item for sale on Craigslist you have allowed a white person to fulfill a need without having to give money to a heartless, faceless capitalist enterprise. You should feel good about this and celebrate by buying yourself something nice at the local farmer’s market or vintage clothing store.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com