Cru Jones Society

 

Remember when Maxim magazine hit the scene about 10 years ago? I was in high school and my friends and I used to pore over each issue to find the best jokes and the coolest new toys. Maxim was the new definition of cool and made the square pegs at Esquire, GQ, and Men’s Health look even more like the pretentious douche nozzles they were. If you read any of these magazines now, there’s a definite Maxim influence in tone among all of them and it’s because of the late 90s male bible.

Cosmopolitan serves as the female counterpart of Maxim. Elle Woods refers to it as the bible when she brings it to hot ass Ali Larter in jail, and I’ve heard many women say the same thing (whether it’s a direct result of that movie or not is debatable). Given this iconic cultural status, and Maxim’s subsequent demise through three horseshit editors and its current status as second rate website, I thought it important to see what kind of dating advice they were doling out. Maxim is irrelevant while Cosmo still maintains a strong readership despite the ever-declining sales of print magazines. Let’s peek inside and see what they have to say, shall we?

I’ve always hated the entire setup of “shit you’re not supposed to know – guys tell all” in the dating advice cannon. It’s an idiotic notion and only serves to deepen the divide between men and women. It perpetuates the idea that we all keep things from each other and that only through some gender traitor will we get the real truth. Fuck that. There are things that Lady E doesn’t know about me, but it’s only because they’ve never come up. I’ll tell her anything she wants to know. She’s entitled to that and anything less is a disservice to her and to us.

Besides, she already knows I’ve spent more hours watching professional wrestling than most people have spent watching TV during their entire lives and that I eat my Hot Pockets with ketchup. What else is there?

Today’s article is called “4 Things He Doesn’t Dare Tell You” and it comes courtesy of Cosmopolitan.com. You can find it here if you don’t believe me. I don’t know why you wouldn’t, but whatever. There it is. There’s no author attached to this piece of crap meaning they either cobbled this together from stuff they remembered anecdotally about ex-boyfriends or no one wanted to have their name attached to this steaming pile. Cosmo usually has some good articles. This one isn’t among them.

4 Things He Doesn’t Dare Tell You

No matter how many conversations and Q&A sessions you’ve shared, every guy has certain details about his life that he considers off-limits – even to you. Learning about them now can actually help you understand him better and keep you from freaking out if you accidentally trip on them one day. So at the risk of being hunted down, killed, and dried for jerky by my fellow males, I reveal the hidden truths your man doesn’t want you to know.

Yeah, because skinning this poor sap alive, and EATING him, is exactly how guys would retaliate for breaking these so-called off-limit details. Give me a break, dude. If this shit actually mattered I’m guessing the worst fate that would befall you would be fewer invitations to buddies’ barbecues.

1. He has a stash of porn.

I know what you’re thinking: “Not my man.” But it’s a cold hard fact: Even the nicest guys like nasty entertainment. “Porn lets me explore sexual avenues that are unavailable to me in real life,” says Adam, a bona fide nice guy from Washington, DC.

This is ground well-covered by the sitcom Friends. I think every woman already knows his man loves porn.

Not convinced? Do the math. Triple-X films are a multibillion-dollar-a-year industry. That’s about one video for every grown-up man and woman in America. But when was the last time you plunked down a piece of your paycheck for Jurassic Pork or Snatch Adams? My point exactly – your significant other is buying enough for the both of you.

I think it’s written in the universal code of writing somewhere that whenever porn is brought up, the author has to make reference to a spoof porn movie name. I like that this author chose two movies that are more than 10 years old. Nice work. And yeah, who doesn’t love porn? You either like porn or like to lie to yourself. Although these days it’s less likely it’s hiding in his closet like you used to hope to find in your buddy’s dad’s closet – it’s more likely on his computer somewhere.

2. He wants more oral sex.

Okay. You know he loves it, but you might not have any idea just how much. Men are simple creatures with three basic needs: food, shelter, and blow jobs.

This should be the new Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Level One: Food. Level two: Shelter. Level Three: Blow jobs. Level Four: Self-actualization.

But he won’t ask for more for fear of seeming self-centered. “I’m afraid that making that request would probably be the end not only of oral sex but of all sex,” says Eric from New York City. So treat oral sex like a vitamin, and give it to him once a day. He’s sure to repay the favor.

Once a day, holy shit. I give this author a lot of credit for aiming high. If there’s any guy out there whose woman read this and started slobbing his knob on a daily basis, that guy needs to find this author and pay for his drinks for the rest of his life.

3. He hates it when you’re more successful than he is.

Even if he said he was proud of you when you landed that paycheck-fattening raise or corner-office promotion, he’s pissed that you’re moving on up faster than the Jeffersons.

Another nice topical reference: The Jeffersons. That’s damn near 30 years old. Who is this article aimed at?

See, guys are supposed to be the breadwinners, but now women are often earning just as much money and respect as men are, if not more. And this growing gender equality is doing a Lorena Bobbitt on his psyche.

Nonsense. If Lady E started moving up the corporate ladder like her ass was on fire, I’d be stoked. I could quit my Joe Job and concentrate more on writing this ridiculous bullshit.

But he’ll never confide this to you. Any guy who revealed his not-so-progressive feelings would risk coming off like a Neanderthal. Until we get over this (yes, sexist) attitude, try not to flaunt the fact that you’re in a higher tax bracket.

Go for it, sister! Inane, time-wasting articles about Short Circuit, Pieing, and Charles Bronson don’t just write themselves you know!

4. He’s more loyal to you than he is to his buddies.

Never mind what you’ve heard. The only thing guys talk about in the locker room is sports. In general, men are far more zip-lipped about intimate sexual details than you think we are – especially if we care about you. “It’s better to smile and let them imagine what must have happened,” says Steve from Boston.

Plus most guy stories are 90% crap anyway. No one believes anything they hear from another guy unless he’s heard the same story at least 10 times. This is why I love my buddy’s story about the deaf girl with the filthy mouth. I hear it damn near every time we hang out, and it’s never changed one word. It always kills me. And he loves to tell it! Who wouldn’t?

We’re less interested in bragging about our bedroom exploits in the spirit of male bonding than we are about deepening our bond with you. But don’t expect your man to divulge this secret. Men are taught to stick together. By choosing you, we’ve betrayed our own kind. And that’s just something we’d rather not admit – to anyone.

Not telling our friends about our sexual escapades is compensatory to also not telling them about watching Legally Blonde or enjoying trips with the woman to Target. It’s just part of the deal. No one wants to hear about your relationship stuff, so part of that deal is not getting to hear about the freaky stuff.

That’s a good place to wrap things up. Senor Limon should be back tomorrow and making his triumphant return this week on Wednesday to bring you his own brand of freaky stuff is Lee S. Hart. He just flew in from Atlanta, and boy are his arms tired!

Thank you, we’re here all week! Be sure to tip your waitress.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com