Cru Jones Society

 

In this age of too much media, every show comes out on DVD now. Mediocre shows lasting only two seasons like CBS’s “Jericho” get DVD treatment despite failing to draw a big enough audience to warrant keeping it on the air in the first place. Even worse, shows that only lasted one season like “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” are readily available for second helpings even though most people didn’t want a first. Although, it’s nice to know that no matter how badly a show bombed in the ratings, the odds are favorable that you’ll see it on DVD so the producers can make some of their investment back. Truth is, I loved “Studio 60″ and will probably own this on DVD someday, but judging by how annoyed most everyone else was by the ironic emotional detachment of the characters and the overwritten, fast-paced dialogue, I think I’m in the minority here.

It’s with the idea of releasing a DVD of a show only produced for one season that I find myself baffled today. It astounds me that there are still shows I’d like to see yet to be released on DVD. You’d think by now that every show ever made would be ready for your consumption with the click of your mouse. I mean, really, who likes shows like “Coach,” “Dinosaurs,” “The Facts of Life,” and “JAG” enough to want to re-watch them years later? Apparently, someone. These shows are all sitting there ripe for the pickings awaiting your patronage. Jesus, who wants to own three seasons of “Coach?” I just don’t get it. Can you imagine having this box set sitting on your shelf? I mean, what would people think? And I liked the show. But I’d never, ever own it.

The point is, I know very few people who want to relive all the madcap hilarity of three seasons of “The Facts of Life,” but know plenty that would pay top dollar for DVD collections of the shows below. Given the hyper-capitalism surrounding virtually everything we do, I am literally aghast that these shows have not been re-mastered and distributed to feed the absurd infatuation Gen X-ers and Gen Y-ers have with re-visiting kitschy cultural artifacts from their youth. Christ, just give it to Anchor Bay who produce the most half-assed DVD releases on the planet. We don’t give a shit if the print has dust on it or if the “extras” are a joke – we just want to watch the damn episodes.

Below are the five television series I would proudly display in my DVD collection and watch several times over. Tell me you wouldn’t put aside an entire weekend just to get shitfaced with your friends watching these shows with a straight face. You know you would. And you know you’d probably pay $50 for these shows as well.

One final note: I’m leaving out movies even though the two biggest glaring omissions from my DVD collection are Rad and Ski Patrol. If you haven’t signed the Rad petition to have the movie released on DVD (and you know who you are), I’m sending Bumhug to stick his butt in your face while you sleep like he does to me every night. Thanks Hart, Gutter, Lady E, Dzayson, Mikey, and Braden for signing. And yes, I’m checking the petition. And no, I don’t have anything better to do.

Without further ado… the list! These are in no particular order.

Salute Your Shorts

I was 10 years old when I saw Terminator 2 the first time. I immediately knew John Connor was cool. You know why? Because the first time we see him, he’s hanging out with Bobby Budnick.

Why the hell is this not on DVD already? According to IMDb, there were only 16 episodes of this show made. 16 episodes! You could make a DVD with every episode of this show on a goddamn laptop like you were creating an iTunes mix or something and then sell it for $20 and make unreal profit. I will never understand Hollywood. We get endless and needless DVD treatments of shows people don’t care about now – shows we have no perspective on because not enough time has passed – but we get shut out of shows we’d actually like to see again because we don’t have access to any of the episodes.

You can download as many episodes of “Las Vegas” as you want from hulu.com, but I defy you to find one complete episode of “Salute Your Shorts” anywhere on the internet. You can’t do it. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And why not? This was among the finest shows for the adolescent available in the early 1990s. Alright, it wasn’t, but that’s beside the point. I spent many an afternoon wondering if Deena could overcome her raging bitch syndrome to find it in her heart to go to the dance with Donkey Lips. I hoped Sponge had enough knowledge in that big, beautiful brain of his to beat the smarmy radio DJ and win the $1000 in the trivia contest. And who wasn’t sucked in by the bold move of Michael leaving the show to make room for the much cooler, and much more interesting Ronnie Pinsky? I’ll tell you who: Everyone!

“Salute Your Shorts” did almost everything right. It had kids drawn in broadly conceived and easy-to-understand stereotypes so that everyone knew exactly how you should feel about each one. There was always plenty of things going on in each episode so visually it was never boring – kickball, hunting for buried treasure, Donkey Lips doing an armpit fart, etc. And most importantly, there were always plenty of one-liners. Whether it was Dr. Kahn offering a Greek chorus-style voiceover to keep the plot moving and dropping in an unexpected non-sequitir or Bobby Budnick ripping one of his fellow campers in hilarious and often cruel fashion, there certainly wasn’t a shortage of wit on this show.

And yet, here we sit DVDless. Maybe Nickelodeon can stop worrying about what Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy will do to their “Zoey 101″ gravy train and throw us nostalgia freaks a bone here. She’s a teenage harlot – give us our DVD!

Random link associated with this show: Look at this picture of Tim Eyster, who played Sponge on the show. Does he look like he’s getting ready to film some twink porn or what?

Daria

As I’m sure some of you remember, there was a time when MTV showed primarily music videos. Scattered around these videos were occasional shows. Most of them were surprisingly good. “Beavis and Butthead” remains one of the most transcendent shows of my youth and to this day provides me with the preliminary prism through which I view all new cultural material: Is it cool or does it suck? “Aeon Flux” was the first time most American kids ever masturbated to a cartoon. “The Real World” actually used to be worth something.

Due to the success of these shows the focus of the channel shifted and MTV offered almost no music videos and all original programming. In the middle of this shift in philosophy sits the channel’s most underrated gem: Daria.

As you probably know, Daria was originally a character on “Beavis and Butthead,” but not a very interesting one. She seemed brainy and a bit holier-than-thou, but she would always correct and assist Beavis and Butthead in whatever they were presently screwing up. They’d thank her by calling her “Diarrhea.”

I was surprised that of all the characters on “Beavis and Butthead” Daria got her own show. She wasn’t drawn with much personality, and it seemed like the idea would fizzle out quickly. What turned out so great was that rather than amplify her personality (like the writers did on that god-awful “Friends” spin-off with Matt LeBlanc), the writers actually took her in another direction.

She became more acerbic, more antisocial, and more detached from everything which resulted in her being about 1000x funnier. Daria was a character of so little motion, the surrounding characters – who were already played in larger than life proportions – became even that much bigger. Her sister Quinn is not funny by herself. When reacting off the drier-than-dry Daria, she suddenly becomes uproarious fun. Her posturing and social climbing mother, idiotic but enthusiastic father, and airhead jocks Kevin and Brittany have their shortcomings magnified then amplified when juxtaposed with Daria’s razor sharp wit and “I’ll say anything to get you to leave me alone” delivery.

I could write a dissertation on the brilliance of Daria’s supporting characters and how they’re more well-rounded, believable, and three-dimensional than most ACTUAL three-dimensional people (and maybe I will someday), but I’ll save you that for now. I could watch this show all day and all night, and if you sat down and gave it another shot, I’ll bet you could too.

I’d be willing to bet you’d get hooked the same way I did. Daria’s show-within-a-show Sick Sad World is worth the price of the DVD by itself. It’s a perfect send-up of sensationalist and ludicrous news magazine shows designed to make you afraid of everything. Sample headline:  “Trouble travels by trike! Under-age road rage, next on Sick Sad World.”

A couple of those, you’ve lost all hope. You’re watching the marathon on Noggin and wrecking yourself for work the next day. Until this comes out on DVD, that’s where I’ll be – that and watching the DVDs of “Is It Fall Yet?” and “Is It College Yet?” I gave Lady E for one of her birthdays…

Random link associated with this show: In case you’re unfamiliar with this show, here’s the wikiquote link to a bunch of Sick Sad World teaser lines. Classic!

Petkeeping with Marc Morrone

Every television station, by law, must air three hours of “educational and informative” programs for children per week. “Petkeeping with Marc Morrone” fell under this category appearing every Saturday morning at 11:00 a.m. on the local Fox affiliate. Although it was produced by Martha Stewart, I still used to wake up every Saturday morning for this show to get Marc’s latest tips on how to take care of all sorts of different animals. I got a kick out of watching the chaos of all the 25 or so of his critters on the table in front of him tripping over each other. I laughed at Marc’s geeky but good-natured jokes.

Did I mention I was 22 when this show began airing?

I’d be embarrassed about loving this show, but then, I don’t give a shit. I loved this show. I loved its innocence. I loved Marc’s straight talk to kids about taking care of an animal. He didn’t condescend to kids, he thoughtfully and carefully explained his point du jour in a way that made sense to kids, but never talked down to them. He was everything a good kids show host needs to be – straight shooting, a bit geeky, and accessible. Marc was a genius at this and even as a surly college kid, I found myself captivated by his earnest-yet-friendly tips on how to properly care for your animals.

And I think that’s why the show worked so well. Marc knew his stuff and answered each viewer question thoughtfully and thoroughly. He was the calming voice of reason which contrasted nicely with the adorable anarchy of a zillion animals haphazardly bumping in to one another on the stage in front of him.

If this show came out on DVD, you can bet your sweet ass Lady E and I would pop this in every Saturday morning just to get the full nostalgic effect of, um, three years ago. What would be even better is instead of coming out on DVD right now, Marc Morrone came back to television and began producing new episodes – then came out with a DVD so we could enjoy the entirety of his brilliance after a few more fresh episodes.

You hear me, Marc? You out there reading this somewhere? Your audience wants you back! As Lady E said in a text message to me the first day your show was gone, “What the hell is this crap? I want my Petkeeping, dammit!” We all want our Petkeeping, dammit! I know you’re thinking about it. I can hear the Rocky theme song somewhere in the distance. One more round, Marc! One more!

Random link associated with this show: Sure, it’s not Petkeeping, but it’s the next best thing. Here is the link to Marc Morrone’s very own pet store, Parrots of the World. Anything you want to know about your pets, Marc has the answer.

Clone High

This remains one of the weirdest and most brilliant shows ever created and one that disappeared from MTV just as quickly as we got into it.

The story follows a group of clones of famous historical figures as they all attend high school together. The high school is actually an elaborate military experiment run by the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures – a government office, naturally – that wants to the harness the greatness of these clones for use in future military battle. The high school’s principal wants the clones to staff his clone-themed amusement park, “Cloney Island.” The clones have no knowledge of any of this except that they are, in fact, clones of historical figures, so they act as normal high school students.

This concept is so preposterous and absurd, it has no choice but to be endearing. Our main protagonists are Abe Lincoln, a nerdy and uncertain nice guy who longs for the love of Cleopatra – the manipulative school hottie; Joan of Arc, a moody goth who has a crush on Abe; Ghandi, a hyper-active follower and aspiring rapper who, in my favorite episode, raps “G Spot rocks the G Spot!”; and JFK, a loudmouth, womanizing jock douchebag who claims his dad (the real JFK) “Conquered the MOON!”

“Clone High” is transcendent comedy for nerds. Most of the humor comes from imagining historical figures as awkward adolescents and watching them relate to each other in modern times, which sounds like something Lisa Simpson would enjoy, or vaguely like something Bill and Ted would have to do in order to pass their history class…

Anyway, the writers and animators layer those characterizations with our pre-existing knowledge of these figures and how their high school behavior either references, runs counter to, or alludes to something that happened in history. For instance, the burger joint they hang out is called “The Grassy Knoll” and has famous paintings of assassinations adorning its walls.

This is not to say the show is for nerds only. Like every other animated show ever created, it’s just plain weird too. The school’s principal, Cinnamon J. Scudworth, has a robot named Mr. Butlertron, which is some sort of bizarre robotic tribute to Mr. Belvedere that calls everyone “Wesley.” Scudworth also has a nervous breakdown every episode and tries to kill John Stamos.

Like every good show MTV has ever ran – “The Idiot Box,” “Daria,” “Sandblast” – they never let it run for long enough and build an audience and instead shoveled more reality show crap at us.  They can make immediate amends by releasing this show in its entirety on DVD. As it stands, it’s only available in Canada, which, as far as I can tell, is some sort of made up country that produces delicious beer. No way am I rolling the dice by sending money into a fictitious abyss like that, no sir! Besides, it’s like $75!

Random link associated with this show: This is probably my favorite episode of this show. It ends with the phrase “You got crabs, assface!” which is what my roommates shouted at me when I graduated college. Yep, I think my parents liked that best.

Hey Dude!

To me, this is most egregious of the omissions. When I was about 8, “Double Dare” was going around the country looking for new contestants, so upon my request, my mom took me down Cinderella City Mall to try out. During the interview portion I saw them asking the other kids what their favorite Nickelodeon shows were. Since I was among the last to be interviewed, I agonized over this question because I desperately didn’t want to screw that part up. I figured if I said something stupid like “Star Trek: The Cartoon” then they’d axe me immediately, so I looked at all the posters on the wall and decided, yep, “Hey Dude” is my favorite show. Seemed like the right choice strategically, and truth be told, it was my favorite show.

So I went into the interview satisfied that they’d like my answer, and son of a bitch, they didn’t even ask me. I was a little pissed and since I was waiting for that question it threw off the rest of my interview. Didn’t matter because I advanced to the finals anyway, and if I didn’t get confused by the chroma key exercise in the finals, you might have seen my goofy ass on “Double Dare!” But I couldn’t figure how the blank wall behind me and the monitor I was looking at were different, so here I am.

The thing that did come out of that experience was my assurance that “Hey Dude” was my favorite show. I didn’t take decisions like “This is my favorite____” lightly when I was a kid, and I don’t now. I have to think about these things at length before rendering a decision. I’m a neurotic freak, but then, you already knew that.

“Hey Dude” was made between 1989 and 1991 filming 65 episodes. Man… 65 episodes. You could spend an entire Thanksgiving weekend watching these episodes and you wouldn’t have to deal with any stupid family politics. You could just get yourself a few Hungry Man dinners, mow down, drink a case of beer, and marvel at what a shitty actor Joe Torres is as Danny.

He’s easily the weakest link of the cast since he’s given the cheesiest one-liners and weakest plots. I mean, it’s a dorky Hopi Indian guy, what do you expect?

Since I never went to camp, I suppose I lived my camp experience through the staff of the Bar None Ranch. I loved the idea of these kids getting together each summer, having fun, hanging out by the pool, and breaking each other’s balls. Their hardcore capture the flag game looked like the most fun I’d ever seen in my life up to that point. They’re sneaking around the ranch, trying to deceive each other, and staying up all night. What could be better for a full of energy 9 year-old?

“Hey Dude” also has the distinction of being the first show to knot up my stomach thinking about girls. When Ted gets sent back to summer school, he and Brad become very close just before he has to leave. She gives him a goodbye kiss telling him “Hurry back soon” before running off camera with tears in her eyes. It made me uncomfortable, but in a way that made me want to know why. Five short years later, I had my first kiss and understood. When I was kissing her, I actually thought about Ted and Brad. That’s what this show meant to me.

Before writing this, I hadn’t thought about any of those feelings in years. Thinking about it just makes me want to remember what the big deal was. I want to remember how terrifying and exciting it was to realize that girls weren’t all icky and could make you feel ways you never felt before. I want to pull for Ted when Kyle moves in and tries to steal his Kool-Aid (Brad). Hell, I just want to have a few too many beers and laugh at Mr. Ernst’s comic overacting. I miss it! Give me some hot ass Melody! Give me cool guy Ted! Give me one season! I don’t care, suckas need to watch!

Random link associated with this show: Some dude went to the dude ranch where “Hey Dude” was filmed and constructed a photo essay on what he saw. Prepare to waste at least 15 minutes looking at pieces of the set that still stand and how they’ve deteriorated over time. God bless this magnificent bastard!

There’s money to be made here as there is with each of these shows. As I stated in the intro, I am positively befuddled that I even have to write this article, but that’s the way it goes. I have no delusions about getting all five of these on DVD ever, but if I could get one, I’d shut up for at least two years. If I got two, you wouldn’t hear a peep for at least three. If I got three out of the five, I’d vow to shut the hell up about this forever.

Or at least until I remembered something else I wanted to see. In fact, didn’t Alex Winter have a short-lived show on MTV? I think he did…

Better save that for next time.

Until then…

edagger@crujonessociety.com