Cru Jones Society

In what might be an effort to make drinking more fun, or start fights, or create an opening to talk to girls the beer Molson Canadian has created new labels for the back of their bottles. These labels read Answer Honestly: Would You Prefer . . . then two options are given, these options are semi related, in most cases anyway. The first half dozen I had were questions that required no thought at all. The questions involved choices with obvious answers. Something along the lines of, “Would you prefer to bleed from the ears or not bleed from the ears?”

I would like to present to you the questions I have come across in my journey towards drunk, as well as my answers. Maybe we’ll learn that we have more in common than we previously thought. So let’s put the spaghetti in the machine and get this under way.

I’m going to start with the one Molson used in their television ad,

Would you prefer . . .

To never pay for gas again

-Or-

Never pay for beer?

I thought this was a difficult question until I got the next one,

Would you prefer . . .

To have world peace

-Or-

Free beer for life?

I realized that if I choose free beer for life, what am I saying “if”? By choosing free beer here that negates the never pay for beer option from the first question. So I would never have to pay for gas and I’d get free beer. I win!

Here’s another one with a quasi loophole:

Would you prefer . . .

To be rich

-Or-

Good looking?

I am already good looking, so I pick rich. Also in this age of modern cosmetic surgery, enough money can buy you good looks.

Now for the last of the question with what I deem obvious answers:

Would you prefer . . .

To whisper all the time

-Or-

YELL ALL THE TIME?

If you spent anytime with Dagger, Limon, anyone who lived in 1408 Brentwood, and myself in 2004 then you know that we preferred to win all the time. And if you did spend time with us during that year, I can only guess that you would have preferred if we whispered all the time.

These next four have a similar theme so I have placed them all together.

Would You Prefer . . .

To be an ugly hero

-Or-

A sexy villain?

Either was you will need a costume, so is it going to be:

To always wear a cape

-Or-

A kilt?

And . .

To have the ability to fly

-Or-

Breathe underwater?

Of course you’ll need a sidekick, and here are the discount store options (you spent all your money on the cape or kilt.):

A blind monkey

-Or-

A foul mouth parrot?

Or maybe it’s a fowl mouth parrot. Ha! Get it? I apologize. I will stop with the puns.

I would be a sexy villain, in a kilt, who can breathe underwater and I’d name the parrot Dr. Seuss’ Reject.

My reasoning: sexy people have better fun than uggos, villains have more fun than heroes, ergo, a sexy villain has more better (hooray for grammar!) fun than an ugly hero. I like the idea of more better fun.

What kind of person wears a cape? A magician, a confused goth teenager, or circus performers. What kind of person wears a kilt? Drunk Scots! ‘Nuff said. But if you really need more, I learned that capes could actually hinder, and kill the wearer. I learned that from “The Incredibles” and that was a smart movie.

I could have gone either way on the flying or breathing underwater. But I have a strong interest in the water, and a slight fear of heights.

Honestly, what’s a blind monkey going to do? Throw feces like he’s Alfonseca throwing a baseball? But just imagine what kind of crazy shit that parrot would say. If Iago had said to Jafar, “Quit fucking around, beat the shit out of that dickfor Aladdin, and nail that sweet piece of ass, Jasmine, already,” then ‘Aladdin’ would have been a better movie.

 

I think I need to bring things back to reality with a more plausible scenario.

Would you prefer . . .

To lose a winning lottery ticket

-Or-

Your hair?

This may be a difficult choice for some people because of the stigma that society places on bald people, especially bald women. Also because there is a strong desire to gain money for nothing. I however found this question easy to answer. I would prefer to lose my hair. I shave it off weekly anyway. So if I lost I would be rid of that annoying little task, and save me so much time.

Speaking of time (master of segues)

Would you prefer . . .

To always be ten minutes late

-Or-

One hour early?

In some situations being ten minutes late could make you an hour early. Mainly where transportation is involved, like buses, planes, and trains. If you miss your whatever, you have to wait for the next one, which may not be for an hour. Ten minutes late could also ruin important things like a job interview, a date, or a wedding.

Ten minutes late would more often be an inconvenience for someone else. Where as an hour early would mainly inconveniences you. Tough call. I would probably pick hour early, but that’s because I hate being late no matter how late.

While we’re on time constraints . . .

Would you prefer . . .

To spend a week in prison

-Or-

Live in your parent’s basement?

At least in prison you would get laid.

I will end with this final question.

Would you prefer . . .

To have a time machine

-Or-

A money making machine?

There are many reasons to have a time machine. Go back and stop yourself from committing whatever act landed you in prison for a week. You could go into the future, purchase an almanac that list every winner of every major sporting event, lose the almanac to some old due who steals you time machine to travel back in time and give the almanac to the young version of himself and tells him to make bets based on the games in order to make himself rich, then returns your time machine so as not to raise your suspicion, but then you figure out what has happened and you go back in time to get the almanac back from the young version of the old man. Or you could use it to stop yourself from wasting time reading this.

Besides a moneymaking machine would only weaken the dollar, and eventually destroy the economy.

Now, Would you prefer . . .

A Molson

-Or-

A Labatt’s?

Either way you can’t go wrong. So go out and get one.

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com