My, you have nice hands.

Welcome back to the Business Lists. We’ve got more of the good stuff inside covering everything from the shittiest places to eat lunch, to out of office replies, to songs not to listen to while wearing a suit lest you bum yourself out. You’re only a click away. Let’s make fun of white collar jobs together! 

Top 5 Biggest Fashion Faux Pas

“Give me a sawbuck on Smarty Jones in the third… and check out my manicure!”

1. Wearing a suit with no belt.

2. Crossing your legs causing your pants to hike up and showing bare leg between pant and sock. (Number 1 in Lady E’s opinion)

3. Failing to put collar stays in your dress shirt.

4. Owning only one pair of shoes. (Seriously, how old are you? Eight?)

5. Wearing a seersucker suit. (Special note: Does not apply if working on Derby Day or in Cuba)

Top 5 Least Productive Times of the Week

1. Friday afternoon

2. Monday morning

3. After lunch (Any day applies)

4. Before or after staff meeting

5. New article appears on Cru Jones Society/ Onion/Yahoo front page/Internet in general

In reality, work only gets done from 10:30 – 11:30 on Tuesdays and from 3:00 – 4:15 on Thursdays. All other times are swallowed by boring internal meetings, answering emails, or inventing new ways to lie on your project time sheet.

Top 5 Best Responses to Common Interview Question “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“I’ve got a roll of Life Savers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”

1. “Celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.” (The Mitch Hedberg)

2. “Livin’ in your house, Holmes! Wit’ yo’ cracka’ ass buried underneath the porch.” (The Mekhi Phifer in High School High)

3. “Celebrating the rapture with my other 44,000 survivors where no weapon of this earth has availed mankind.” (The Jehovah’s Witness)

4. “Cruising around in a space ship behind the Halle-Bopp comet wearing Nikes, having no testicles, and partying with my homeboy, Marshall Applewhite!” (The Heaven’s GateNote: Only applies pre-1997 mass suicide)

5. “Still representing for all the gangstas across the world. Still hitting them corners on the low-lows, girl. Still taking my time to perfect a beat. And still having love for the streets. It’s the D-R-E!” (The Dr. Dre)

E Dagger’s Top 5 Cru Jones Society Comments (So Far)

1. From Things We Hate #4: Faux-hawks: “In a way faux-hawks are the modern mullet, business on the sides party in the middle. Although I think they might be worse than the mullet because bad ass hockey players stereotypically have mullets, and douchbag frat boys who play lacrosse stereotypically have faux-hawks.” – Tron

2. From Prelude to Water World: “There are some sweet rides they have added since the last time you might have been there. The toilet bowl is awesome fun. I refuse to ride the screaming mimi ever again because Michelle and I almost knocked each other out on that thing. We hit the water skipped a couple of times and caught the right edge of the sled on the water, My fat ass was on the back of course (so we could go faster) and the front of my head slammed into the back of Michelle’s. The lifeguards said it was one of the worst wipe outs they had ever seen. Good times!” – Gutter

3. From iTunes Oddities: “OK, I’ve been wanting to post a comment for a while, but I’m too damn lazy. This was just too good to pass up for two reasons, so here goes…

- I am totally a victim of this on my own iTunes portfolio. My problem is, I can’t buy a song without feeling the compulsion to buy the entire album. Consequently I have at least 30 albums of bullshit I couldn’t fathom listening to in their entirety, all for 30 songs that I felt I had to have for some reason; ie – I was shitfaced.

- Unfortunately, I have seen nearly half of the bands you mention in concert, including Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (who thinks he’s God’s gift to music by the way, and also sucks balls), Biz Markie, and yes, The Grass Roots. (They opened for the Monkeys’ 20th anniversary show is ‘86 – yes, I’m old) Granted, they were all openers to shows whose headliners were far superior musicians, but still…it’s a little embarrassing.” – R

4. From E Dagger’s Top 5 Scariest Movie Experiences: “Way back when, 20+ years ago now, I owned a vhs tape of a little movie called, “Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.” Fantastic movie, I watched it frequently. However, at one point in the movie, a thunderstorm rolls in and Winnie the Pooh falls asleep dreaming about protecting his honey stash from the Hephalumps and Woozles that Tigger hs told him about. In this dream sequence, which is pretty creepy overall for someone about 4 or 5 years old, There is a portion where two Hephalumps (imagine brown elephants standing on their hind legs) that slowly rise out of a sea of honey and dance with each other to a slow creepy squeeze-box melody. Now the part in the scene that to this day gives me the shivers is that these two animals stare intently at the “camera” never turning, never blinking. Just two sets of big eyes looking straight at me and into my soul to give me the serious creeps for the first time in my life. I shudder just thinking about it.” – Deuce

5. From Don’t Say That to Her:  ”I could go for some delicious charred mammal right now. I can’t wait to see Lady E to compliment her on how nice her bigger shoulders look.” – Flickerbock

Top 8 Ways to Answer the Phone

How many ringy dingies is that?

1. “Hello?”

2. “This is Dagger.”

3. “Who dis?”

4. “Hello.”

5. “All deez niggas and all deez hoes – someone here gon’ fuck!

6. “Mooshy-mooshy.” (Probably better in Japan)

7. “Talk to me.” (Probably better only if you’re Jesse Katsopolis)

8. “Ggggrrplmhthlpprrrnnnggghhhh!” (Probably better only if you’re underwater)

Top 6 Out of Office Replies Actually Received by E Dagger

1. “I am currently out of the office for my brother-in-law’s wedding in Texas.  I will return Tuesday, March 18th.  If you need help with anything while I am out call Niki XXX-XXX-6214 for travel or you can call me at (c) XXX-XXX-8465.”

(Glad to see you’re still accepting calls. Why even go out of town if you’re just going to be available anyway? And I love when I get remarkably specific replies like this. Do we really need to know the specifics of what you’re doing? See the next one.)

2. “Yippie!  I’m on vacation in Florida with family.  There’s no time for email as I will be swimming and having loads of fun!  I’ll be back in the office to attend to emails upon my return.  I’m scheduled back July 28th.

If this is a media inquiry, please call +1 XXX-XXX-4544 for assistance.” 

(Jesus, how embarrassing. Would you want this person representing your company? Maybe you would if you ran a scrapbooking company or something – but this is a Fortune 500 company this person works for. Good lord…)

3. “I am away from the office on business until May 5th  and will have limited access to email service. However, I will call my office at XXX-XXX-7553 daily to retrieve messages if you care to leave one.   I will continue to have cell phone access (#XXX-XXX-9769).  If you leave a telephone message either on my office or cell phone, I will return your call when I can.

If you need to speak with someone immediately, please contact my assistant Niki at XXX-XXX-6214.”

(This is from a different person than the other one. Poor Niki. She must get all the calls in the office when people are away. Although, given everyone’s availability, maybe not.)

4. “I am out of the office on vacation the week of June 30th. I return July 7. If you need immediate assistance, please call XXX-XXX-1818 and someone will help.”

(Classic. “Someone” will help. I won’t say who, but someone in our crackerjack operation will help you. Hopefully?)

5. “I will be out of the office until 7/9.”

(Okay then. And if you need to talk to someone right away, you can shit in your hat, I guess.)

6. “Thanks for your note. I will be out of the office on July 1, celebrating Canada Day.

If you need to reach me urgently, please call me on my mobile at XXX-XXX-7253, otherwise I can respond to your note when I return.”

(I somehow doubt he’ll be picking up his phone, what with all the shenanigans and goings on of Canada Day. I may take off Canada Day next year just so I can make this my Out of Office reply.)

Top 5 Worst Downtown Lunches

I can’t believe there’s no line. Where is this, China?

1. Green – Enjoy your $12 salad, dumbass.

2. The Palm – Unless you’re a big swinging dick in the business community and want to see and be seen, be prepared for horseshit service, a table that requires a pack mule and a couple of Sherpas to locate, and a hostess giving you a healthy dose of attitude. If you’re there with someone of stature, get the Ahi Tuna Salad – holy shit.

3. Panda Express – I refuse to eat here because I’m pretty sure the food is cooked by crack dealers. This is in the food court near my office and always has the longest line – like, by a whole lot. Most of the food looks miserable, and the people in line have looks on their faces like Amy Winehouse. What a terrifying place.

4. Cheesecake Factory – Unless you weigh 400 lbs., they’ll serve you too much food and do it really slowly. I love how people sue places like McDonald’s, but never think to sue a place like this that serves you a chicken sandwich the size of a hubcap with a side of fries they poured out of a full size truck bed onto your plate. A recent lunch here sent me beyond food coma into an ACTUAL coma. I keep waiting to read about someone exploding after eating here. It’ll happen in the next five years, I guarantee.

5. Diet Dr. Pepper and Camel Turkish Silver – Being busy sucks. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes there’s no time for lunch and a quick caffeine/nicotine pick me up has to do the trick. I like to call this lunch “The Runway Model Special.”

Top 5 Pop-Punk Songs to Listen to While Wearing a Suit That Make You Miss Spending Summer Outside Instead of Working Everyday

“Ooooh Travis, my foot and your nuts just feel so right together.”

1. “What’s My Age Again?” by Blink 182

2. “All My Fault” by Fenix, TX

3. “Ocean Avenue” by Yellowcard

4. “She” by Green Day

5. “Responsibility” by MxPx

Top 2 Ways to Get Back at That Feeling

1. Take a sick day even when you feel fine.

2. Join the Staff Development Committee and make everyone go to the Boondocks one afternoon. Ha! Enjoy the go-carts, you stiffs!

Top 1 Way to End an Article

Until next time…