Cru Jones Society

Sadly, the Olympics come to an end this weekend which not only means the end of late nights cheering on America and watching sports on the weekend you normally couldn’t care less about, it sadly means Hart and I will regrettably have to end our daily suckling at the teat of easy content due to an infrequent sports phenomenon that captivates everyone’s attention for two weeks. We must return to the normal torturous process of generating fresh ideas each day for your daily waste of 5-20 minutes at work. Pity us.

Or just enjoy this fresh batch of links I’ve cooked up and delivered fresh to your computer for easy Friday consumption! Either way…

We’ll start with some Olympic-related stuff, move on to some entertainment news, round the clubhouse turn with some ridiculousness, and as always, close up shop with this week’s demotivator.

Onward!

Jim Caple of ESPN lives a dream I didn’t even know I had, by experiencing 10 Olympic events in one day. His description of the Iranian basketball team is my favorite part of this article. More importantly, I think he gives good insight to the Usain Bolt hubbub that brewed in the comments section here on Tuesday. From the article:

“Could Bolt have gone faster if he had run all the way? Sure, but where is the fun of that? Besides, as Bolt says, ‘I didn’t come here to break the world record because I already was the world-record holder. I came here to win.’

Asked about Bolt’s early celebration, Dr. Herb Elliott, the physician for the Jamaican Olympic team, offers unapologetically, ‘We are showmen in Jamaica.’

Caple goes into more depth about Bolt’s display, but you’ll have to click the link if you want more insight. What do you want? I’m not here to do Jim Caple’s bidding for him. Just click it already!

***

Dave Barry, the highest-ranking deity of 800 word slice-of-life humor, and also a potential member of this list, chimes in with a downright hilarious article about what the harrowing adventure of taking a taxi in China during the Beijing Olympics is like.

Barry describes a conversation he had with a cab driver that reminds of me of a story my dad told me about being in a cab blasting through the Ginza in Tokyo. When the cab driver asked him where he was from, my dad told him “Colorado” to which the driver replied, “Ahhhh! Old West! Crint Eastwood! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!” as he fired two imaginary guns in the air while going about 80 mph through the busiest section of Tokyo with no hands on the wheel. My dad said he was certain that was going to be his last experience on earth. Would have been a hell of a way to go.

***

Gold ain’t always gold, apparently. According to this article in Time, ”Today’s gold medals are actually silver covered with about 6 grams of 24-karat gold.” That seems like a screw to me, and reminds me of Curly’s brother Duke desperately scraping off the gold paint to reveal lead at the heartbreaking end of City Slickers 2.

Although I suppose a little gold is better than the alternative. At the 1900 Paris games, a pole vault runner-up received an umbrella. Gee whiz, an umbrella. Thanks.

***

Even though the Olympics really couldn’t possibly kick any more ass, Cracked has chosen 20 user-submitted ways for this to happen. Everyone seems to be bitching about beach volleyball in primetime like ESPN curmudgeon Tim Keown  and sometimes funny Rocky Mountain News sports cartoonist Drew Litton. I happen to like beach volleyball, but I think #1 on this list might shut these two idiots the hell up. I’m also a huge fan of 5, 6, 9, and 13. Good times!

***

CJS Reader Keithage sent along a link this week about discontinued Olympic events. He writes, “My favorites are rope climb, tug of war, and pigeon shooting. Also lacrosse because the bronze medal team one year was composed of Indians with names like ‘man afraid of soap.’  Frickin sweet.”

I personally like the idea of motor boating and equestrian long jump. The Olympics are supposed to celebrate human achievements and these two events feature an internal combustion engine and how far a horse can jump. Nice. Although you could update motor boat to become a judged event where a panel of experts determine who rubs his face back and forth rapidly and goofily in his girlfriend’s cleavage the best. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d certainly watch that event. Hell, I’d probably win that event!

Which also reminds me: If you find a link you think should be included in Happy Friday drop it in an email, and send it to either Hart or myself. We know you come across tons of good stuff every week, and we believe you owe it to the world to share. We’ll give you credit for the link, and you’ll achieve meager notoriety on a virtually unknown website – your wildest dreams fulfilled!

***

Speaking of discontinued Olympic events, softball (along with baseball) goes away after this year. That’s certainly not bringing down the U.S. Women’s Softball Team.  I’m aghast that the U.S. doesn’t field a team in every sport, and with how ridiculously dominant this team is in softball, I’m fully behind their efforts to change sports and regulate all over another one. I’m not ready to have Jennie Finch and Kat Ostermann out of my life yet, dammit!

***

On the exact opposite side of the coin, there are apparently people who have had more than enough of Tom Cruise. Can’t imagine who that might be what with all the Scientology, anti-psychiatry babbling, couch-jumping, and various other media shenanigans over the past few years… But, according to the New York Post, “Cruise is thought to be too old and too expensive to star in the next ‘Mission Impossible’ sequel.” 

That makes sense since Ethan Hunt is one of those super cool ultra-spies, and no one wants to watch a middle-aged guy trying to figure out how to read text messages on his PDA while he tries to save the world, but my question is: Who the hell wants to see another Mission Impossible movie? The first one was neat, but complicated as hell. The second one blew a dead bear. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t even aware they made a third one. Just kill this franchise already.

***

In more news about people getting no love: Avril Lavigne is getting her concert cancelled in Malaysia due to Islamic protests. There are those who think all Islamic people are terrorists, but by sparing at least a small portion of the world from having to endure that insipid “Sk8er Boi” song one more goddamn time, they should be rightfully recognized for their act of global goodwill. For these are not terrorists, and their wonderful (if unintended) act of good taste should be remembered the next time you feel a little suspicious of that dark-skinned fellow in the airport security line. He might be from Malaysia, and he might also feel dirty every time he has to type “Sk8er Boi” in its fractured, text message, broken English style. He’s not to be feared. He’s just like you.

***

Jeff Kent is a complete dick, but you already knew that. He thinks legendary Dodgers broadcaster Vin Scully talks too much and completely dismisses the insight that he’s hitting better behind Manny Ramirez. Jeff, we all appreciated it when you got into a fight with Barry Bonds in San Francisco, but please, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up for once. You’ve reached a new low when you dismiss the comments of a sports broadcasting icon and question how he knows you since he never comes into the clubhouse.

Apparently Jeff Kent is unaware of a fabulous invention called video tape whereby Scully analyzes game footage of Kent’s every at-bat and draws conclusions based on the patterns he observes. If Kent’s giving answers like this, what insight is to be gleaned from coming into the clubhouse anyway?

***

As a follow-up to an earlier Happy Friday post, we are happy to report that Christina Applegate is 100% cancer free after undergoing a double mastectomy. She showed incredible spirit when she added, “I’m going to have cute boobs ’til I’m 90, so there’s that. I’ll have the best boobs in the nursing home. I’ll be the envy of all the ladies around the bridge table.” Jesus, nothing like having a sense of humor about losing both breasts. I’ve been stewing about a pizza burn on the roof of my mouth for the last three days. Perhaps I can learn some perspective from Ms. Applegate.

***

Here’s another one to follow-up on: Remember when we debated about whether or not white folks such as ourselves should see Ice Cube? Here’s an even dicier situation posed by Hart: Should we see Public Enemy during the week of the DNC?  Not only do you have a band not weighed down by starring in embarrassing family movies, you have a band at least as political as N.W.A. ever was, the concert happening in a virtual military state, and already-feisty protestors looking for that little extra push. I don’t know about you, but I think I may take a pass on this one.

Update: According to Public Enemy’s manager, nevermind apparently. Ok then.

***

Hey, remember college? More specifically, remember how young, naïve, and doe-eyed you were walking into the dorm for the first time? You didn’t even know what you didn’t know. The folks at Beloit College do, and every year they give a new primer to professors that allows them to better connect with their students.

The Beloit College Mindset reminds professors of the world known by the average 18 year-old, so that professors don’t reference something that earns them a look from their students of half confusion, half contempt. For example, this year’s college freshmen: have never known a Supreme Court without Clarence Thomas or his Coke can, weren’t alive when Johnny Carson hosted The Tonight Show, have never had to pay for soft drink refills, always were able to check caller ID before answering the phone, and never knew a world where Gameboy didn’t exist. Damn whippesnappers have it so easy! This made me feel old until I read the one for the year I graduated  and found myself nodding at all the things I never knew about.

Here are some of the more interesting tidbits on people my age:

• They have always bought telephones, rather than rent them from AT&T
• Watergate is as relevant to their lives as the Teapot Dome scandal.
• The year they were born, the New York Times announced that the “boom in video games,” a fad, had come to an end.
• They never dressed up for a plane flight. (some of us have – damn parents)
• Lawn darts have always been illegal. (I’m amazed they were ever legal in the first place)
• “Spam” and “cookies” are not necessarily foods.

***

Speaking of college, this story better explains why I hooked up with our neighbor and why all the other roommates but one tried to. I’m glad to see we’re conducting valuable research here on such critically important topics like “beer goggles.” Meanwhile, I got blindsided with a cold yesterday that kept me home from work and made my head feel like it was in a vice grip. How’s the research coming on that, science guys?

***

In a hookup that I’m sure is even funnier when you’re drunk, Steve Carell and Tina Fey are coming together for a new movie. These are two of the funniest people on the planet, so this is pretty much guaranteed not to suck. Although you may remember 1998 when two other ridiculously funny people came together and produced that steaming turd named Bulletproof. Granted, this isn’t a comedy caper they’re doing together and appears to play to both their strengths, so we should be safe. I think it would be funny if Steve Carell re-enacted Adam Sandler’s singing in the shower scene from that movie, though.

***

Finally, finally, thank God, there is a porn channel CJS readers can get on board with. I don’t care what kind of action this has as long as there’s an episode where people cover themselves in gravy and cheese curds to have sex “Poutine Style,” I’ll be all over this!

***

And finally… you’re already dead.

Happy Friday, minions. See you next week.

edagger@crujonessociety.com