Cru Jones Society

 

My work jukebox decided to play a record form my childhood the other day. A song that I didn’t even know I still knew. I don’t know why, but I really enjoyed that last sentence. The song was “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic” - a song that has been around since nineteen ought seven. This song was a staple in my house growing up, yet when I mentioned it to a friend who is only two years younger, they said the first time they had heard of it was a week earlier. This shocked me; I was under the impression that everybody knew this song. So I’m using my position on this website to inform the masses about the greatness that is the Teddy Bears’ Picnic. As I looked further into the lyrics, I had some thoughts. It’s dark for a children’s song. So cuddle up with your favorite stuffed friend (mine is a mouse I call Eekers) and read on.

If you go down in the woods today

You’re sure of a big surprise

This line draws children into the song with exotic locale. My grandma had “woods” around her house and they were exciting. The song then goes on to entice children with the promise of a surprise. Children love surprises, which explains a lot about Christmas. Although I suppose going to the dentist is a surprise too…

Now if children can recall any stories that are geared towards them, then they know that the woods are not something to fuck with. Little Red Riding Hood went into the woods and her grandma was eaten. Hansel and Gretel followed their pops into the woods and they were almost eaten by a witch. The woods are a fucking scary place where many children apparently get eaten. So right away the kids should be apprehensive lest they end up in some wolf or crazy cannibal witch lady’s digestive tract.

If you go down in the woods today

You’d better go in disguise

Again enticed with the woods. Now there’s talk of disguises. This certainly doesn’t assuage the fears of the children about getting eaten. But it’s sort of like Halloween, and what kid doesn’t love Halloween? Now the song starts to warn that the woods are indeed scary. So scary that one can’t enter in their human form. Maybe if Little Red Riding had put on a pair of those Gruocho glasses her grandma may have survived, long enough to go senile and send her checks for $12 on days that aren’t even her birthday. Instead, she’s rotting in the belly of a wolf.

For every bear that ever there was

That’s a lot of bears. If this song was heard without knowledge of the title, one may believe it’s speaking of real bears. Real bears are scary, ask Mike Birbiglia.

Will gather there for certain because

Now all these scary ass bears are gathering in one centralized wooded area? Where in this almost completely developed world would they all gather? Bears are enormous and would need a giant wooded area to hold them all. The only place I can think of is Canada. Canadian woods are the scariest woods of them all. I have no evidence to support this, but that sounds right, doesn’t it? Judging by what I do know of Canada, the woods are probably lovely, contain a very friendly park ranger, and most likely offer free health care.

Today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic

Oh, it’s only Teddy Bears, not real bears. Suddenly the fear factor is lowered - until you consider Teddy Bears coming to life to attend a picnic. When else do they come alive? What else are they doing when they come alive? What sort of demon spell is bringing Teddy Bears to life? Can the Necronomicon stop them?

Every Teddy Bear who’s been good

Is sure of a treat today

There’s lots of marvelous things to eat

And wonderful games to play

Poor grammar aside, I have no qualms with this part. It sounds like a lovely picnic.

Beneath the trees where nobody sees

They’ll hide and seek as long as they please

‘Cause that’s the way the Teddy Bears have their picnic

Ok now the picnic sounds awesome! The song is trying to get kids to go into the woods again. There’s a strong sense that you shouldn’t go, but damn listen to what’s there. There are treats and supposed fun; these same tactics were often used to get me into Wash Bar during college. And, dammit, they work!

If you go down in the woods today

You’d better not go alone

Yeah that worked so well for Hansel and Gretel. There’s power in numbers so take a friend with you into the woods crawling with millions of bears possessed by demons. Let me know how that works out for you. If you take anyone, I recommend Ash from Army of Darkness and that grumpy Care Bear.

It’s lovely down in the woods today

But safer to stay at home

Well I’d love to stay at home but you keep hyping these woods. “Tropic Thunder” wasn’t promoted as hard as this song is promoting the woods. Who does PR for the woods, I tried to think of a big name in PR but I got nothing. Don King, maybe? Does this song employ the Don King of woods promotion?

For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain because

Today’s the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic

It’s the chorus. See several sections above for analysis.

Picnic time for Teddy Bears

The little Teddy Bears are having a lovely time today

Watch them, catch them unaware

And see them picnic on their holiday

See them gaily gad about

First of all, gaily gad about? The Koala Teddy Bear is like “WTF, mate? (I know it’s a marsupial and not a bear, but can you think of an Australian bear besides the koala? I thought not.)

The song up to this point has been warning not to go into the woods. Begging, almost, to stay away. Then it tells us to come away. Stay away. Come in. Stay away. Come in. Make up your mind, song!

They love to play and shout

They never have any care

Of course they don’t have any care. What would they have to care about? What clothes will be the dryer with them? If that Cabbage Patch bastard is going to be at the next tea party? These are Teddy Bears for Chrissakes!

At six o’clock their mummys and daddys

Will take them home to bed

Six o’clock, really? I think the sun is still out at six, at least during the months when a picnic would a reasonable idea. And their mummys? Like King Tut mummy? Now I’m just confused.

Because they’re tired little Teddy Bears

Well that clears up the six o’clock thing, I guess.

Seriously that’s the last line? What happened to trying to convince children to come to the woods? The song just gives up on that effort. Maybe the song smelled the sting of “To Catch a Predator” coming on. I mean it is 101 years old and does try to lure children into secluded woods. I’m not accusing the song, just saying.

I am having a difficult time believing that this song is actually intended for children. On top of these almost creepy lyrics the song also contains a real daunting bass line. And Bing Crosby sings the version I have heard the most. Nothing appeals to kids like old crooners that beat their children. Koala Teddy Bear is right indeed. WTF?

I wish I could just leave my childhood well enough alone.

See ya in the woods . . .

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com