Cru Jones Society

 

Everyday the people around you say things that get under your skin. Chances are excellent they say them repeatedly and every time they do, your rage pool bubbles a little more violently deep in the pit of your stomach causing you to both resist the urge to shout “Stop saying that, you fuckin’ idiot!” right in their face, and making that burgeoning ulcer just a little bigger.

If you don’t have any phrases that inspire this reaction within you, congratulations on not paying attention your whole life. I’ll wake you when the cartoons come back on.

For the rest of you, here are seven of mine. Come on in. These are in no particular order.

1) “Let me take this opportunity to thank…”

Sample sentence: “Let me take this opportunity to thank all the producers, the actors, and the writers of Glory Hole 5: Dentists Don’t Just Pull Teeth. For without them, I wouldn’t be here today accepting the AVN Award for Best Newcomer in a Feature Length Circle Jerk. This award goes out to you!”

Why it sucks: It’s seven entirely useless and redundant words you always seem to hear at the beginning of a public speech. There is no need for any of these words considering you have a microphone, you’re standing up in front of a group of people, and you already have their attention. You ARE taking this opportunity, ass hat.

Just say thank you already and get to the important stuff. This type of superfluous filler is only slowing us down and preventing us from getting home in time to watch Futurama before we fall asleep.

2) “…and what not.”

Sample sentence: “Yeah, so after you take a right on Broadway, you’ll see a guy wearing an orange vest waving a flag directing you to the parking lot. Once you get past all the police cars, fire engines, parade personnel and what not, you’ll be able to find a parking space no problem. Welcome to Pridefest 2004.”

Why it sucks: You can substitute this for any verbal crutch people needlessly tack on at the end of a sentence (i.e. “and so on and so forth”), but “and what not” is definitely the most annoying – because the people who say it are prone to use it at least every other sentence. It’s like they have to end every sentence with a list that has an indeterminate number of items.

“Yeah, we got some steaks and some chicken and what not. Come on over. What? Nah, you don’t need to bring beer. We got some MGD and some Key Light. If we run out, we got some vodka and some tequila and what not. I usually end the night with a shot of Kahlua since it helps me unwind after playing darts and horseshoes and what not.”

Ahhhhh! Mix it up, dipshit! Or even better, just end the goddamn sentence. What the hell does “and what not” even mean? I’ll tell you what: Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Just say what you’re going to say and end the sentence. I don’t need some ethereal promise of ill-defined additional items to round out whatever list you just dictated. If the “and what not” were actually important – EVER – you’d just list the items this nebulous phrase encompassed in the first place. If you know someone who says this too much, get yourself a stick, keep it handy whenever they talk to you, and hit ‘em when they drop this into conversation.

3) “Problematic”

Sample sentence: “While I think the concept of clean coal power plants with carbon sequestration capability is intriguing, I believe the technological hurdles standing in the way of making this a reality, not to mention the various opponents in the United States legislature to any potential power sources not called wind or solar, are problematic.

Why it sucks: I have seen this phrase more and more in the newspaper. It’s the new boner word of the month, apparently. Charles Krauthammer, conservative columnist and owner of what would have been the finest World War II Allied Forces General name, called John McCain’s pick of Sarah Palin as his VP “problematic.” Oh yeah? How’s that? I had my doubts that “problematic” was even a real word, so I looked it up and evidently it means “of the nature of a problem; doubtful; uncertain; questionable.” So how was this pick doubtful? How was it uncertain? I get it if you meant “questionable,” but if that’s the case, why not just say that?

If you believe his pick of Sarah Palin causes John McCain problems, why not say “Palin pick a problem for McCain.” You’ve just made your point in noun form rather than with an adjective, which any English teacher will tell you makes a stronger statement. Problematic simply takes a word – problem – that stands strong by itself and unnecessarily complicates it by turning it into a weak ass adjective. The only function for a word like problematic is to key the argumentation device of begging the question. You hear “Palin pick problematic” and you immediately think, “Ok, how?” And maybe this is what he’s going for, but I doubt anyone else has even thought this far into it.

“The engine on my ’87 Nissan Stanza has been problematic lately.”

“No, your engine has been a fucking problem lately, dummy. Don’t use words you don’t understand.”

4) “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”

Sample sentence: Person A: “I fucking hate the goddamn Mariners again! Richie Sexson can choke on his vomit and fucking die, and I hope Adrian Beltre and Kenji Johjima’s both catch chlamydia from knob slobbing longshoremen on Puget Sound. Fuck this goddamn team! Fuck ‘em right in their stupid eye sockets!

Person B: “Wow. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”

Why it sucks: I hate this response more than any other response in the range of human experience. People think they’re being funny when they say it to you, but all they’re really doing is writing on their forehead in big block letters: “I SUCK.” I understand why this is supposed to be funny (Oh, I get it – irony. See, because I was so animated, you made it seem like I was using understatement and that I was unclear in my feelings. God, that’s funny! You should write screenplays!), but it never has been and never will be.

“Gee, why don’t you tell me how you really feel?” Ok, I think you’re an ugly, singularly unfunny chunk of corn in the bowel movement of witless dickheads. I hope you get bit by a poisonous spider in your sleep and die painfully and alone.

Hahaha! I’m just kidding. I don’t really feel that way. But you see what I did there? I can be funny too with the misdirection and the irony. Hey-oh!

5) “What can I do you for?”

Sample sentence: “Welcome to Billy’s Hat and Assless Chaps Rodeo Store. What can I do you for?”

Why it sucks: Yee haw, asshole. Somewhere along the line someone took the common polite customer service greeting “What can I do for you?” and switched around the last two words rendering the phrase “funnier.” Well hardy-fucking-har Jethro, the joke’s over. What really kills me is that now people say this without a trace of irony. Is anyone even paying attention when they say crap like this?

“What can I do you for?” Say it out loud to yourself. It’s impossible to say without sounding like you’re from Alabama. And God knows that’s something we aspire to on a daily basis given the refined elocution and impeccable intonation of the fine citizens of Forrest Gump’s home state. Shit, people from Alabama don’t even want to sound like they’re from Alabama once they leave the cozy confines of their Southern embrace. Why do otherwise straight-thinking people actively place a phrase like this in their working vocabulary? This makes no sense to me.

6) “This reporter has learned…”

Sample sentence: “And in the wake of the tornado that ripped through this dual purpose trailer park and meth den, families struggle to make ends meet having seen all of their meth-making equipment explode in the midst of winds that reached 115 mph. In fact, this reporter has learned that only one meth den has been kept intact forcing families to sell their children for prostitution. Tough times ahead for Wakita. Back to you in the studio.”

Why it sucks: It’s an uninspired device used by the news media in an attempt to further humanize a story of human tragedy. By inserting the words “this reporter,” we’re supposed to immediately identify with whatever blow-dried stuffed shirt is standing callously in whatever picture of ruin he’s placed. It’s an attempt to separate himself from our perception that he’s nothing more than a soulless puppet heartlessly going where he’s told by the big bad news conglomerate. It sort of makes sense, but outside of the news media, no one talks like this which only draws more attention to its inherent absurdity.

Can you imagine doing this around the office? “Hey guys, have you been in the conference room yet? They had donuts for the big client pitch meeting, but I just walked past it, and this employee has learned that there’s none left. I’m sorry.” No one would ever say that, and news reporters would do us all a big favor if they could eradicate this from their collective conscious thoughts.

This writer would very much appreciate it.

7) “In the interest of time…”

Sample sentence: “In the interest of time, we’ll forego sharing our most humorous client experience and instead just go around the circle, say our names, our companies, and how long we’ve been in the industry.”

Why it sucks: This phrase doesn’t suck inherently and should be a godsend, but you know anytime you hear it, you’re already running late, and there’s plenty more bullshit ahead. This usually occurs at either a work training function, some sort of industry seminar, or any other work-related event you don’t even want to be at in the first place. It also means that whoever was in charge of putting this little function together either did a piss poor job estimating how long each activity would take or did an even piss poorer job of staying on task meaning we’re going to be later than we thought. Any time I hear this phrase I immediately zone out because I know it’s going to be a long day.

If the people who say this ever really acted in the interest of time, they wouldn’t need to say so. We’d just go about our business in a punctual manner, leave at the predetermined time, and everyone would go on their merry way. Acting in the interest of time means never having to say so. Remember this the next time someone drops this ball-faced lie on you.

With that said, in the interest of time, I’ll close it up here. Hart will have something for you to read tomorrow.

See you then.

edagger@crujonessociety.com