Cru Jones Society

 

You can blame the Wal-Mart $5 bin for this one. Or you can blame my collection of weird-to-awful VHS tapes (Species, Over the Top, Best of the Best 2, Demon Knight, anyone?). Hell, you can blame my parents for making me an only child causing me to spend an ungodly amount of time watching pay cable and an inordinate number of shitty movies during adolescence.

Whatever the reason, I have some weird shit in my DVD collection. And it’s not like I have one of those giant DVD collections either where there’s bound to be some bizarre crap that sneaks in by osmosis. Nope, between Lady E and myself, we have approximately 70, which sounds like a lot at first blush, but pales in comparison to the astonishing treasure troves kept by most Americans. By contrast, I only buy discs that rarely get shown on television and discs that have peculiar re-watchability. Are any of these movies on your list? Click on and find out.

10. The Warriors

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: The Warriors? What the hell is “The Warriors?” Is it about basketball? Does it have Latrell Sprewell choking out P.J. Carlesimo?

So, you own this because…. it’s only one of the most fucking badass movies in history.

I grew up watching this on cable with my dad, and to this day, that guy at the end clanking the beer bottles together cooing “Warriors… come out to play-ay! Warriors… come out to play-aaaayyyy!” still creeps me the hell out. The basic premise sees a large conclave of the New York gangs getting together to hatch a plan to put aside their differences and run the city where the leader gets shot and The Warriors get wrongfully blamed for it.They then have to trek back to their home turf on Coney Island without getting killed by every other gang now out for blood.

It’s 70s camp at its finest replete with gangs wearing face paint, colorful names like The Turnbull ACs, and Dexter’s dad playing Warriors tough guy Ajax. This movie is undeniable fun and one that carries no shame in my collection. If people question this film, it’s only because they’re unfamiliar. Once you see it, you’ll love it. Ask Limon. Ask Hart. Hell, ask Lady E. She knows…

9. Bulworth

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Isn’t this that weird movie that was made before Halle Berry was hot where Warren Beatty spends the entire movie rapping?

So, you own this because…. I remember seeing in theaters and it annoying my mom.

The persistent rap music and borderline socialist ideals espoused throughout were almost too much for her to take. On a level more germane to the plot, I love watching Oliver Platt as his chief lackey go from buttoned-down, uptight sycophant to borderline psychotic coke addict over the course of three days due to his boss’s sudden and dramatic transformation from progressive California senator to obscenity-spewing radical.

The writing is like Noam Chomsky meets Tupac Shakur as overseen by James Carville, which gives the dialogue more layers than most movies got dialogue. Plus, great supporting actors like Don Cheadle, Laurie Metcalf, and Christine Baranski make this imminently rewatchable at all times.

8. Falling Down

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Is this that movie where Michael Douglas shoots up that fast food restaurant and Robert Duvall’s wife is a crazy bitch? Wait… is that chick from Total Recall in this one? No, not the one with the three knockers, the one who’s in love with Quaid. What’s her name? Melina!

So, you own this because…. watching Michael Douglas get fed up with urban, white collar angst and take off across the city righting the wrongs of overpriced bodegas, pushy gang members, and pictures of burgers at fast food joints that lie never gets old.

The portion of this movie before Michael Douglas begins seriously stalking his ex-wife and daughter is black comedy in its finest form. Once he goes around the bend to Loonyville and has designs on killing his family, the movie ceases being fun and turns cringe-worthy in a hurry.

Robert Duvall holds the entire film together as always and Michael Douglas does a fine job diverting from the Gordon Gekko type he’s played since Wall Street (another one in my collection). This is the blackest of black comedy during its first hour and 15 minutes. I mean, really, who hasn’t wanted to blast a shotgun at the old cocksucker wearing the stupid pants’s golf cart when he gets uppity with you for walking around “his club?” Brilliant.

7. She’s The One

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Isn’t this that Edward Burns movie that’s not as good as The Brothers McMullen?

So, you own this because…. I can’t get enough of Edward Burns belting Mike McGlone in the face and dropping him with one punch while his dad says, “Get up, Sally.”

While it’s true this movie isn’t nearly as good as The Brothers McMullen, it does have allusions to Jennifer Aniston using a vibrator, the dad from “Frasier” at his acerbic best, and Cameron Diaz actually doing a semi-decent impression of a real actress. The suffocating romantic angst in this movie is enough to make you want to vomit all over your coffee table, but the individual moments of brilliance courtesy of John Mahoney, Mike McGlone’s slimy self-satisfaction, and did I mention: Jennifer Aniston likes her vibrator. Those three things alone pay the cost of the DVD alone.

6. 40 Days and 40 Nights

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Isn’t this that obnoxious Josh Hartnett movie where he gives up sex and masturbating for Lent? This movie made me so frustrated I could barely sit still by the end and almost felt like scurrying off to the bathroom to rub one out.

So, you own this because…. in my single days, this movie was Spanish Fly.

I never failed to close the deal after watching this movie. And furthermore, I’ve never even KNOWN anyone who has watched this movie with someone and failed to close the deal afterward. The movie does such a good job of portraying the frustration of Josh Hartnett’s celibacy, no matter who you’re sitting next to when it’s over, there’s a 100% chance you’re jumping their bones. Fortunately I didn’t have to break this out on Lady E because, unbelievably, she told me that she hates this movie and had I tried my patented move, she would have dumped my ass right there.

That notwithstanding, should you find yourself a single fella needing that extra push to get over the hump, drop me an email, and I’ll send this your way. If you can get the chick back to your place, just pop this in the DVD player and 90 minutes later (at most), you’ll find yourself naked pawing at each other like wild badgers. Trust me…

5. Major League II

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Really? Major League II? I liked the first one, but seriously, what the hell?

So, you own this because…. Two words: Rube Baker.

This movie is damn near a shot for shot remake of the first one with Omar Epps stepping in for Wesley Snipes and a dull lovestory between the chick who played Connie Conehead and Rick Vaughn stepping for a dull lovestory between Rene Russo and Tom Berenger. The only major difference is Rube.

Outside of Willie Mays Hayes’ movie “Black Hammer White Lightning,” Rube has hands down the funniest moments of Major League II. His conciliation to Vaughn about losing his girl, his recitation of the Fredricks of Hollywood catalogue during the playoffs, and his general country bumpkin cluelessness give this movie its biggest laughs. If you basically like the first movie, you’ll basically like this one too.

4. The Golden Child

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: You: Hey, I remember The Golden Child! Me: Really?! You: Nope. I remember Beverly Hills Cop because that was, y’know, a good movie.

So, you own this because…. Roger Ebert said this movie is “funnier, more assured and more tailored to Murphy than “Beverly Hills Cop.” So there. If the only critic that matters likes it, then why don’t you?

In all honesty, I think Ebert was probably hitting the hash pipe in thinking that this dumbass movie was better in showcasing Murphy than Beverly Hills Cop, but this is a good time nevertheless. The plot is like something out of retarded sci-fi fan fiction but really only serves as a clothesline for Eddie Murphy to make funny wisecracks and charm the pants off the audience. And the individual jokes ARE funny, even if the rest of the cast plays it so straight, you’d think they were filming an after school special. Now that I think about it, that’s probably the reason this movie still sucks me in after all these years. Eddie Murphy is essentially Mike, Servo and Crow in his own movie. Brilliant!

3. Gung Ho

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Is this about G.I. Joe or something? Is that Michael Keaton? What is this?

So, you own this because…. after watching Sixteen Candles, everyone’s first thought is, “Hey, why didn’t that guy who played Long Duk Dong do more movies?” He did, you silly bastards! This one!

This movie chronicles a small town in 1980s America where Japan was kicking our asses in just about everything, including manufacturing. So, Michael Keaton travels to Tokyo to pitch Assan Motors to build an auto plant in his shithole town and save everyone from having to find another shithole manufacturing town to work on an assembly line. He succeeds and we find out through a series of wacky misadventures that the Japanese and the Americans run their businesses a little differently.

Gedde Watanabe, the guy who played Dong in Sixteen Candles, more or less reprises that role, only as a middle-aged executive. This is a perfect movie for killing a hangover on a Sunday afternoon in that it requires no thought, it has George Wendt as Keaton’s surly best friend, John Turturro still looking like he’s about 50 years old despite it being 1986, and plenty of oblique Asian racism for you to laugh at. What’s not to love?

2. Cocoon

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Isn’t this the movie where the old people climb on the spaceship with Brian Dennehy?

So, you own this because…. I fucking love this movie plain and simple.

I have no idea why this is, but this movie is undeniably charming. Sure, it’s got scenes where you have no choice but to picture Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn as well as Maureen Stapleton and Captain Diabeetus doing the mid-afternoon nasty dance, but those are fleeting and have minimal impact on the overall viewing experience.

Hart and I one time had a lengthy text message exchange about whether or not we’d get on the ship with Brian Dennehy at the end of the movie. In short, he would and I wouldn’t. However, the psychology behind those decisions gave us incredible insight into each other’s internal makeup. Any movie that can do that on a lazy Saturday is not to be discarded simply.

Plus it’s got Steve Guttenberg! Who can resist the charms of Steve Guttenberg? No one, I tell you! No one! And when he’s a horndog boat captain lusting after the hot alien chick who has sex with him by shooting a luminous blob of light into his chest? Bonus.

1. An Innocent Man

Most Common Reaction Upon Seeing It on My Shelf: Isn’t this that movie where… wait… what the hell is this movie?

So, you own this because…. watching Tom Selleck plunge a shiv into Jingles’ body in the bathroom in prison is too bizarre to describe with only mere words.

This is another cable classic from my youth. My dad and I watched this on USA countless times when I was a mere lad, and I think back on those times fondly. In all honesty, that’s about all this movie has going for it. There’s some pretty overt racism. There’s a woefully miscast Tom Selleck as a good guy airline mechanic framed for murder by crooked cops and being forced to survive in prison. There’s the black police chief who is such a bad actor you almost hope one of the crooked cops blows him away just to put us out of our misery. And then there’s F. Murray Abraham – so badass in this movie you find yourself thinking, “Wait, is that the same F. Murray Abraham who was in the fruity Amadeus?”

I get more questions about this movie than any other, and with good reason. No one in their right mind would sit down and watch it all the way through, much less own it. I love Tom Selleck, I love F. Murray Abraham, and I love M.C. Gainey. I love the cheesy mean-spiritedness of this movie. I even love the black police chief’s flinchingly stilted delivery. This movie has no idea what it wants to be, and that’s probably what I love most. Every time I watch I get something different from it.

And speaking of different… what’s in your collection? Where are your $5 masterpieces? Lay it on us. God knows Hart probably gets asked about those copies of The Devil’s Own and Cannibal: The Musical! in his collection every time someone new comes over. You’ve seen mine, now it’s time you show me yours.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com