Cru Jones Society

 

What happens when you’ve got a bunch of nonsense rattling around in your brain – none of which merits its own column? Why, you slap it all together in one haphazard collection and call it Random Musings, of course! C’mon in!

* Anyone else get Bob Balaban and Ron Rifkin confused? I mean, seriously, can you remember which one played Seth’s dad in Boiler Room and which one is in the Christopher Guest mockumentaries? I think the worst thing that happened was when both guys were in The Mexican. How insanely confusing! Who’s with me? No one? OK, look at this picture. Now you see my point, yes?

* While watching the All-Star Game it occurred to me that Billy Wagner looks like he should be wearing a sleeveless t-shirt working in some tire shop somewhere in rural Indiana with a guy named Skeeter and a guy named Gooch. And now that his season is over and the Mets are headed into the toilet for the second straight year, he probably is. Probably got a big ol’ chaw stuck in his lip right now…

* For awhile I was convinced Lady E’s cat Buttfore was preparing for his eminent reincarnation as a human judging by the way he intently watched me perform mundane tasks like washing the dishes, shaving, and brushing my teeth. Now, after looking after my parents’ dog recently, I’m convinced that shaving is the most fascinating activity to watch for a household pet. Watch your animals next time. They look entranced like the fake audience members for a Criss Angel trick.

* Is there anything more perversely amusing than being in an elevator by yourself, farting before you get to your floor, and then seeing someone waiting to get in as you exit? They have no idea what’s about to hit them…

* I’m wearing a tie as I type this and I think Lewis Black is right. A tie’s sole purpose seems to be to allow you to be ready to hang yourself at a moment’s notice. Things not going well at work? Just find the nearest exposed pipe and tie off…

* When do you supposed pants pockets were invented? I would have liked to be there when some dude was fashioning himself a new pair of trousers and thought, “Y’know, I’ve got a lot of shit to carry, but I’m tired of putting it into a bag. There’s got to be a way for me to put some compartments into these pants so I have ready storage at all times.” I would mark this as a landmark day in the advancement of humanity.

* When Stephen Baldwin talks about his career, do you think more people remember him as the funny guy from the lineup in The Usual Suspects or the guy that isn’t Pauly Shore from Bio-Dome?

* Ever find yourself bored in some meeting doodling on whatever happens to be in front of you? Ever accidentally, absent-mindedly and somewhat abstractly, doodle something offensive like a swastika or a vagina? Happened to me today and all of a sudden I was very aware of where I was and if people were looking at me.

* Who was the worst player on District 5/The Ducks/Team USA/Eden Hall Warriors? I say Averman who was truly ghastly in every aspect of the game in addition to delivering the most painful one-liners this side of Joey Gladstone. But I could be persuaded by arguments for Goldberg, the fat Jew goalie from Philadelphia whose reaction time was worse than your grandmother on Quaaludes, or Dwayne, the obnoxious Texan with enormous ears and irritating, made-up Texas aphorisms. What do you think?

* When I’m looking through a couple’s wedding registry, I like to find the oddest and most useless item on there that’s in my price range and buy that for them. My most recent gift is my finest purchase yet. I present to the lucky couple getting married in October: one cat hammock.

* Watching the Emmys two nights ago, the cameras turned to Sandra Oh, star of “Grey’s Anatomy.” So I says to Lady E: “Ulgh, Sandra Oh. She’s got one of those faces that just makes me angry. You know what I’m talking about here?” She had no idea, and I think was offended by the very notion of someone having such an unappealing face that it instantly inspires anger. Whatever. Sandra Oh is weird looking and it pisses me off.

So then I thought further: The “O Face” is everyone’s favorite face to make. Could we not call the opposite of the “O Face,” the “Sandra Oh Face?” Would that not be a perfect descriptor for when things go horribly wrong? Like for instance, “I was up at the family cabin last week and upon walking by the bedroom, I saw Aunt Sally in just her bra and underwear. I made the Sandra Oh Face and ran to the bathroom to prevent from hurling all over the hallway.” Or this one: “Jeff swallowed the shot and upon realizing it was Southern Comfort not Jager, his countenance promptly shifted into Sandra Oh Face.” I think this could work.

* Speaking of the Emmys, here are a few thoughts:

• Courtesy of Scott’s Blog of Doom: “If you’re gonna have five hosts, try to make sure at least one of them is likeable or funny.”
• Courtesy of me: “I am the only one that recognizes William Shatner as a bloated self-parody, an overacting embarrassment, a ridiculous farce of a celebrity… and is NOT completely charmed by that?”
• I used to think Josh Groban was a stuffy dweeb incapable of demonstrating any emotion besides “intense longing” while singing, but his inspired performance of the TV theme song montage made me warm to him just a bit.
• Really? Every comedy award for “30 Rock”? I like the show as much as anyone, but last season focused so much on Liz Lemon’s assorted neuroses, I thought it lost some of the insane, manic brilliance of the first season. More Jack. More Tracy. More Grizz and Dot Com. More of the guy with the stupid hats. Less Kenneth.
• There was an ad for the new Russell Crowe/Leo Dicaprio movie that made me think two things:
  • No matter how much older Leo gets, he still always manages to look 22. He’s actually 34
  • Russell Crowe seems to age at a rate much faster than everyone else causing him to look like he’s about 60 in this new movie. He’s actually 44. Makes me happy I quit smoking.

* Speaking of quitting, I was at a wedding this weekend where the urge to smoke was at its strongest. I sent out a text message saying, “I’m at a wedding and ¾ in the bag. It’s times like these that I miss cigarettes.” The responses I got ranged from sympathetic (I feel your pain, but you can do it), to helpful (I suggest you start double fisting), to dismissive (Good thing you still smoke pole). If you can’t guess which two of those responses came from CJS writers, you’re obviously new here.

* I don’t generally have road rage, but my inner monologue while driving reads like an episode of MST3K written by Quentin Tarantino. My inner voice is almost entirely comprised of needling attacks peppered with profanity like “Sure, just come in my lane with no signal, you fuckin’ shitwich.” Or “Oh you filthy douche nozzle, get into the goddamn intersection.”

* The best thing to come from playing Guitar Hero for the last three weeks (so far): Hearing Lady E in another room quietly sing to herself at random, “Oooooohhhh, BARRACUDA.”

* The best thing about owning a Wii (so far): Terrorizing the cat with the Wii Remote during Wii Bowling.

* The best cheese flavored snack made by Nabisco (still): Better Cheddars.

* I’d like to thank KFC for advertising their sauceless Hot Wings again since I had completely forgotten about them until a couple of months ago. My dad used to come home with these when I was in high school, and when he would, it was always fuckin’ bocce balls. Dinner was served! And considering how reprehensible the rest of KFC’s food is, I’m glad to see something I can actually order again should the need arise.

* And finally…

Who’s this, you might ask? Why, it’s the Icebox from Little Giants. You remember….

Now take a look at her again:

I know, holy shit!

Let’s call this a Tuesday. Have a good day.

edagger@crujonessociety.com