Cru Jones Society

 

Won’t you be my neighbor? No? Really? I’m quiet, and I keep to myself. I promise not to lower your property value. Why don’t you think about it? Maybe by the end of the article you’ll change your mind.

Gary Coleman, in an effort to keep up the image that he is a few prawns short of a galaxy, assaulted a man who tried to take his picture outside a bowling alley and took his camera from him. I can’t decide what’s weirder – the fact Gary Coleman lives in Utah or that he’s filming a movie about the basketball leagues formed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Personally, I’m more compelled by the weird basketball league story. That sounds more interesting than a has-been celebrity attacking someone taking their picture. Besides, I bet that guy takes pictures of every midget he sees – like CJS Reader Gutter would do were it socially acceptable.

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Would you rather a train or a car hit you? Neither would be the ultimate option, but sometimes you’re not that lucky. And sometimes you’re this poor hapless bastard. Even after that the police still give him a ticket.

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Ah the only way to make magic cool, add MMA. Possibly the only cool thing David Blaine has ever done. Which puts him one up and just about every other magician. By the way did anyone watch his new special the other night? Did anything go horribly wrong and actually make it exciting? No? Yeah I didn’t think so. Be sure to check out the comments.

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For those of you still opposed to Women’s Suffrage have I got a religion for you. Good old Christianity! I forget which book, chapter, and verse in the Bible says that a woman shall not leave the kitchen. She shall be barefoot and pregnant at all times. But according to Lifeway Christian Stores it’s in there. Keep up the good work, ass, and have fun in hell where you’ll be doing the same job as a woman for far less pay.

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Pete Wentz plays some kind of instrument, poorly, in the pop-crap band Fall Out Boy. Oh and he’s a giant douche bag. I present exhibit A. There really should be a test if you want to reproduce. If you fail to take said test your baby will automatically be given to Angelina Jolie.

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I had to change my sweater.

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Scientists have solved a centuries old mystery. Next they’ll attempt to solve that Rubik’s Cube that has been sitting in the break room since the Christmas party.

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It’s the time of every four years when we get presidential debates. I know what you’re all thinking: debate parties! I’ll bring the Doritos brand corn chips, and beer, you bring the Lil’ Smokies and some more beer. Sounds like the media has influenced our snack food purchases. I hope they haven’t influenced us in any other way.

Oh, damn.

Balls!

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A hot button issue is still illegal immigrants. What’s the solution? A Fence? A strong military force living in Podunk towns along the border? Or how about the simple solution of a struggling economy? A lot of people are for the first option. Chuck Norris is for the second (I heard him say so on the radio.) And The Rocky Mountain News is all about the last option. We might even be able to force out some of the lesser-wanted legals.

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Before they told me they didn’t want no scrubs, TLC was telling me not to go chasing waterfalls. I’m thinking that they wouldn’t have said that if they saw this waterfall. I just wish at some point this video would have let me know where this was?

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Roger Ebert has a very extensive and eloquent vocabulary, which he uses on a regular basis. Though sometimes some people are so retarded that they only understand one language. Ebert knows how to talk to them too. On a side note, don’t do drugs.

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This weekend is the final weekend of baseball’s regular season. Only a few teams will make the playoffs. The rest will cover the fields and wait for the spring. The Yankees, however, will not be covering their field. The final game at Yankee Stadium, “The House That Ruth Built,” was played earlier this week, and this off-season will bring the demolition of the stadium. Now I’m not a Yankee fan by any stretch of the imagination, but I am one to appreciate history. As I read this piece I couldn’t help but to get a little misty eyed when I think of all the greats that called that stadium home. Celebrated players who shaped the game and created memories that will always be part of baseball. So I will bid a fond farewell to Yankee Stadium, and hope the new one collapses during a game between the Yanks and Angels.

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I know there’s an obvious way to end this post.

See ya in the land of make believe . . .

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com