Cru Jones Society

For those of you who don’t keep track of the date today is Halloween. We’re sure you have big plans of getting dressed up, liquored up, and throwing up, much like our friend up there. Well before you began the shenanigans that help ward off the evil spirits, or whatever the origins of this holiday are, enjoy a spooktacular Happy Friday. Don’t like that pun? Fair enough. Perhaps you’ll enjoy the Halloween jokes courtesy of Clive Bannister and James Bridge at Cracked.com that have been peppered throughout this edition of Happy Friday. Like this one:

Q: What do witches put on their hair?

A: SCARE spray. Continue Reading »

Halloween is the gateway drug of holiday weight gain. The sugary foyer to your mansion of wintry flab. As a kid, you spend Halloween and the following weeks (or week if you were a fat kid) gorging yourself on assorted fun-size candy bars, bags of candy corn, god-awful hard candy, and the Book of Mormon (apparently). As an adult, you do basically the same thing with liquor standing in place of candy. Either way, carbs = happy! And just think, it only serves as the amuse bouche to the gorgefest of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the Super Bowl! Hooray!

Here’s a way to really get a jump start on ruining that summer body of yours and storing up extra padding for the cold winter ahead. Forget limiting your sugar intake to the later hours of the day. That’s amateur hour. Penny-ante. Poppycock. Instead, start your day with these Halloween-themed breakfast treats like a real man (or woman)! Continue Reading »

 Halloween will sometimes be a jerk and fall on a weekday. In the past this wouldn’t be a big deal. Now, however, I appear to have grown up and have found a job that requires a daily early morning wake up call. So instead of going out and getting all liquored up I will be forced to stay home and hand candy out to children foolish enough to come around.

I know that once I shut the door after giving them candy they will proceed to mock and judge me based on what I gave them. If you’re like you care what other people, especially people young enough to know what exactly Dora the Explorer does, think of you. Well those cares can be put aside because I am here to tell you what the candy you hand out says about you. Continue Reading »

Everyone always frets about what to be for Halloween, especially Lady E. It’s for this reason that I’ve taken to assertively suggesting what she should be each Halloween, which not only saves her the brain damage of thinking for more than 10 seconds about a holiday she’s not especially fond of, but I get to see her in some damn fine ensembles to boot. I love Halloween, so this is a job I relish.

That’s why I’m here right now. If any of you are suffering from Halloween costume indecision or ambivalence, the following pages are your salvation. I’ve pored over hundreds of Halloween costume websites (actually, four) and posted 30 of the more interesting selections here for your perusal. Each costume included here is also award-winning – award-winning in the sense that I found the goofiest ones and wrote fake awards for them – and has a brief description of who the costume is perfect for, and what you’re likely to encounter should you wear it. Let’s get started. Continue Reading »

 Halloween is on Friday. We here at CJS enjoy the holiday and will be bringing Halloween themed post to you all week. So carve the pumpkin, set out the candy bowl, and get your costume. Oh and if you’re in Colorado be sure to bundle up.

Most of us celebrate Halloween once a year, maybe twice if it’s on a weekday. There are some people who try to celebrate it all year. For the most part they are goth kids who have nothing better to do because they don’t have any friends.  However there are few who not only dress like it is Halloween all year, but also have found a way to get paid for it.

As you may have guess these people are musicians, well kind of. Here are five of the biggest acts to milk Halloween all year round, because to some a suit and tie is a costume. Continue Reading »

Welcome to yet another Friday. The phrase in the title refers to how Lady E recently responded to an Evite for a Halloween bar crawl and translates to “I’ll be there, beer in hand.” Which she will be. Dressed as above. Awesome. As for me, well, click on the “Continue Reading” link, and not only will you find out what E Dagger’s wearing this Halloween, you’ll find tasty morsels about Eminem, Madonna, Kimbo Slice, Rupert the Tiny Deer and much, much more. I know you’re thirsty (my friends) for the links, so get to clickin’! Continue Reading »

Since I live alone and rarely have another person to talk to while I watch movies, I ask myself questions that I spend the rest of the evening wrestling with. Last night’s difficult query came courtesy of the film Alien, and no the question was not whether some one could hear you scream in space or not. What I was wondering was if I was given the opportunity, would I partake in space travel. What follows are the pros and cons I took into consideration to answer this conundrum. Continue Reading »

In the pantheon of shitty advice sites, iVillage is just ahead of AskMen.com in terms of sheer stupidity, and just below your local, painfully banal and outdated Dear Abby column in terms of sage wisdom. The difference between iVillage and AskMen (which are sister sites by the way), is that whereas AskMen is moronic, misdirected, sometimes offensive, reductionistic, blowhard, chauvinistic drivel, iVillage seems to at least have its heart in the right place. Sometimes they’ll fire off a colossal miscalculation like this offensive gem we all remember,  but mostly, they seem like good gals.

So, in the spirit of Gregg Easterbrook’s Christmas Creep Watch,  I’m here to poke fun at some of iVillage’s suggested gifts for guys this holiday season. As usual, their heart’s in the right place, and also as usual, this column seems to be written mostly by women who have only seen men from afar. My comments are in italics. Let’s see what Lady Santa has in her sack this year… Continue Reading »

We’re all aware that Canada doesn’t have what it takes to mount a full-scale military invasion of the US. What with being all tucked away under there we feel that our homes are safe from them.

But what if they aren’t? What if Canada has secretly been using slow and subtle tactics in an effort to make the US it’s bitch? Here are a few of the tactics they might be using. Continue Reading »

It seems that in the evolution of creating one’s brand, the current chic thing to do is to create a reality show around yourself. Whereas endorsement deals used to be enough to keep any celebrity in the public eye when between actual, art-creating jobs, our present, obsessive love-hate relationship with celebrities dictates that a weekly series featuring the mundanities of everyday life become the new branding mechanism.

If you’re a celebrity in decline – head off to “The Surreal Life” to mainline some low-level publicity. If you’re in decline, and happen to have packed on some extra pounds – “Celebrity Fit Club” it is! And if you’re looking for complete humiliation, chances are excellent VH-1 is just itching to give you your own series where you can break down, get completely emasculated by your wife/girlfriend, go through the soul-crushing process of rehab, and be revealed as an extremely maladjusted, narcissistic creep.

For those not yet on the downswing of their careers, E! and MTV are more than happy to accommodate you. And many a celebrity has jumped onboard. However, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, the late Anna Nicole Smith, any of those worthless fuckers from “The Hills” – these people don’t concern me. They can take on as many reality shows as they damn well please. Just please stop ruining people I actually respect. That’s all I ask. Here are the five worst examples. Continue Reading »

Life at CJS Headquarters is generally good. I’m gainfully employed in an industry I find interesting. I’m well-liked and respected at work. Lady E and I have re-upped on our apartment for another year which means we not only have another summer of poolside fun to look forward to, we still like each other enough to want to live together for yet another year. So huzzah for that! And despite the persistent wandering around all over the bed all the livelong night, I can’t help but smile at the retarded antics of Buttfore and Bumhug. In short, things ain’t bad. Not bad at all.

So why am I so fucking angry? I can’t recall ever being just more generally pissed off all the time. Between dealing with election nonsense, this seemingly never-ending coverage of the  financial crisis, the shitass Cubs, and getting ready in the dark every morning, I’m borderline Pissface Mode roughly 90% of the time now. Whereas usually it hovers somewhere around 60, now it’s up in a zone that’s completely unhealthy.

So with that said, this week’s links are nothing but fun. I didn’t plan it this way, but when I began gathering articles for this week’s Happy Friday, everything I chose had an upbeat tenor to it. So rather than argue with the universe, I’m taking a cue and changing my perspective. Enjoy this week’s links – guaranteed to make you feel at least a little better. It is HAPPY Friday, afterall. Continue Reading »

The soft drink business is a multi-billion dollar industry. So it’s no surprise that I can’t go a single day without seeing a can of the stuff. And since the cans tend to be brightly colored, my attention is grabbed and I find myself staring awkwardly until it angrily asks me what I’m staring at and I reply “Oh, uh, um nothing,” as I fidget and look anywhere else. But as soon it looks away, I start staring again.

Sorry, the personification got away from me there for a moment. The last time I looked at a can I was intrigued by it’s name. I wondered where the name came from, and if it really was the best choice for a name. I mean Mello Yello? Do you want to remind consumers that your drink is the same color as pee? What follows are the origins of the names behind 5 of the more popular soft drinks. Now click the button, read on, and put it in your head. Continue Reading »

It may be that I watched “Friends” for the first time in eons tonight. It may be that whenever I hang out with my mom, some of my jokes bounce off her like I’m Chandler and that she’s incapable of detecting deadpan like many of the unsuspecting supporting characters serving as the targets of his dry wit over the 10 seasons of Friends. It may be that I saw Jennifer Aniston wearing a bathing suit in the tabloids this week. It may be that I have no reason at all.

Whatever it is, it’s high time we analyze what it would be like to sleep with each character on the show “Friends.” Are you with me? Of course you are! You’re a Cru Jones Society reader! Continue Reading »

If there is one thing I love more than a hot summer afternoon at the ballpark, it’s an icy chilled evening in an arena. Now as much fun as I have watching a live game, whether it be baseball, hockey, or even football (I’m usually drunk at those) there are some things I absolutely hate. What follows are the worst offenders.

Continue Reading »

We’ve reached critical mass with this problem, and it’s high time we address it before an entire generation of jerkoffs is born wearing this highly useful athletic gear like it’s something off the runways of Milan. Under Armour, and athletic gear in general, is not fashion. Under Armour is only the latest company of many to make its way to mainstream couture acceptance, but due to its form-fitting nature, also the most offensive. Continue Reading »

Hockey season officially started yesterday and I couldn’t be happier. That’s not true, if the Avs hadn’t dropped the home opener to a team from God damned Boston, then I couldn’t be happier. Whatever, there are still 81 more games. So let’s drop the puck and get this Happy Friday underway. Continue Reading »

It’s Thursday which means you’re damn close to the weekend. Couple days off from work… a few beers… and confusing the hell out of your lady with your monkeynuts behavior. At least, that’s what the ladies at Cosmo think. They have a number of behaviors that the fellas do which apparently confuses the hell out of them, so they put ‘em in an article, asked a few “experts” to solve these mysteries, and showed off the results on their website for all to see. I realize this ain’t Monday, and that it’s been more than 3 months since I wrote a Love Lounge piece, but hey, sometimes it just feels right. And I’m definitely feelin’ right. And God knows if I spend anymore time thinking about the financial meltdown/the presidential election/Colorado’s bloated ballot/Dakota Fanning re-entering the public consciousness, there’s a good chance my head will explode. I don’t want that. Ergo, let’s make fun of pop psychology! Continue Reading »

Yesterday I was awakened by a grumble in my stomach. This was not the usual grumble that was trying to tell me that it was time for cereal. No this grumble was telling me that there was something that decided it wanted to come back up. After spending more time than I would have liked slumped over the toilet I decided that going to work wasn’t an option. So I took a sick day and realized that it sucks.

Continue Reading »

Dear news media,

It’s been more than a month with this bullshit, knock it off. Yesterday I went to the front page of the online versions of the Rocky Mountain News, the Denver Post, Yahoo!, MSN, Los Angeles Times, New York Times, and Washington Post. Here is a sampling of the pictures I saw: Continue Reading »

Even though it is October, the greatest sports month on the calendar, watching the Cubs crap the bed in spectacular fashion against the buttfucking Dodgers and laboring through a sinfully boring Broncos/Buccaneers snoozefest, I officially need a sports break.

And considering our recap of the 2008 baseball season coupled with three straight days of Major League discussion along with a Happy Friday featuring Paul Newman in hockey gear as the lead-in last week likely turned off any female that still improbably frequents the site, I’m here to make amends. Yeah, it was a lot of sports last week, so to any woman that gratefully still reads us, here’s something for you (I think).

I’m probably committing social suicide with this post, but fuck it, that’s never stopped me before. Here it is in all its glory: My Top 5 Favorite Chick Flicks of All-Time. Continue Reading »