Cru Jones Society

 

Considering it’s baseball week here at the Cru Jones Society, Dagger and I wanted to pay tribute to the finest baseball series on the planet – Major League, Major League II, and *sigh* Major League: Back to the Minors. Taking into consideration I am the only person to ever own the third installment (ever) I was given that one to write about; Dagger took the second; this has lead some CJS readers to believie that Limon would be tackling the first. Well that would be wrong. Limon is playing with tarantulas in the dessert. So Dagger and I fought over who would write the piece about the greatest baseball movie. The results from that fight after the jump.

E Dagger: Considering what a Cub hater Flickerbock’s been in the comments section lately, I’ve rather enjoyed Gutter’s and your needling of his Twins fandom.

Lee S. Hart:  Well, if the Twins are going to lose in a division with perennial douchebag teams like the White Sox, Tigers, Royals, and Indians, he’s asking for it.

E Dagger: No joke, do the Twins still have Kent Hrbek – who needs to buy a vowel, I might add? Are they still operating under that championship year 1992 payroll? How is Kirby Puckett’s eye? Are he and Prince still the only black people in Minnesota?

Lee S. Hart:  Puckett’s eye is still better than Stu Scott’s. And how would I know what their payroll is? Do I look like that kid from Little Big League?

E Dagger: A little – only you never played an autistic kid who’s good at video games in a movie that was nothing more than a thinly veiled ad for Super Mario Bros. 3.

Lee S. Hart:  That was the same kid? I’ll be damned!

E Dagger: I know, mind-blowing, eh?

Lee S. Hart:  Eh? We talking baseball or hockey?

E Dagger: Baseball. But baseball in Minnesota which might as well be Canada, for all you know. You know who could stand a return to their 80s payroll? The Indians. They traded away Sabathia and had no Eddie Harris to compensate in the rotation.

E Dagger: Teams need a guy who can throw a good KY ball and eat up innings like the crafty old righty could do.

Lee S. Hart:  That sumbitch was impressive. Amazing he had to compete with someone who last played in the California Penal League

E Dagger: And they definitely needed him to eat innings considering he and Vaughn were the only two pitchers on the entire fucking team. I’m no math major, but that puts both he and Vaughn at approximately 750 innings each on the season.

Lee S. Hart:  That’s not that many really. They still won the pennant.

E Dagger: Not by 1989 standards, I suppose. Although in this day and age they’d probably get blisters and go on the DL for months at a time and then have Tommy John surgery for seemingly no reason.

Lee S. Hart:  People have gone on the DL for less. And how do you think Tommy John feels about having a horribly invasive surgery named after him? At least it’s something, right?

E Dagger: Before we go any further, can we get something out of the way? Winning the AL Pennant with only 2 pitchers aside, is Major League not the finest baseball movie ever made?

Lee S. Hart:  You my friend, are correct-a-mundo.

E Dagger: Fonzie?

Lee S. Hart:  We should probably watch it.

Lee S. Hart:  Right now.

E Dagger: Well, I would… except we’re having this conversation online from different apartments, and I’m not doing that thing with you where we watch the same movie and talk about it over the phone like we’re dating in junior high.

Lee S. Hart:  And just like junior high, I am heartbroken.

E Dagger: I will, however, tell you, that I had the movie quoted at me today at work.

Lee S. Hart:  Nuh uh! Shut up!

E Dagger: I was giving directions to a co-worker, and when I was done, he told me (for some reason) “Up your butt, Jobu.”

E Dagger: It’s a good thing he didn’t say it to my (legitimately) gay boss. That could have been awkward. Especially since his name is not Jobu.

Lee S. Hart:  That would be awesome if you worked for some guy named Jobu.

E Dagger: I know. Cerrano sort of does, even though Jobu no help him with curveball. I need no help with curveball. I need help with media pitching. Do you think Jobu would help with that?

Lee S. Hart:  No. The lesson in Major League is that deities don’t get shit done. Once you stop relying on them and start doing things for yourself, that’s when you get things done.

E Dagger: What if I stole one of my co-worker’s driver covers and put them on my pens? Then I could say – “Hats for pens. Keep pens warm. Thank you, my friend.” I’d never give ‘em back.

Lee S. Hart:  Do your coworkers often have their clubs at the office?

E Dagger: No.

E Dagger: But who cares?

E Dagger: I’d find ‘em and steal ‘em anyway.

Lee S. Hart:  Are pens the actual tools that help you to succeed in media pitching?

E Dagger: Also no.

Lee S. Hart:  Your whole industry boggles me. Besides, did you not hear my lecture on the ineffectiveness of deities?

E Dagger: I suppose you’re right. You’re very wise. You’re like the Jake Taylor of CJS.

Lee S. Hart:  If I’m Jake, and apparently you’re Cerrano, who is Limon?

E Dagger: He’s a cross between Willie Mays Hays and Rick Vaughn.

E Dagger: Think about it:

E Dagger: Extremely impulsive, can run much faster than either of us, borderline criminal at times in college, had weird haircuts.

Lee S. Hart:  Makes sense. Never stolen a car, but stole a wooden toucan…

E Dagger: Maybe we should watch this movie. It’s got so many great moments, I think if I had a gun to my head, I could recite it from start to finish.

Lee S. Hart:  Though since we can’t see the gun, and this is the internet, it would just words on a page.

Lee S. Hart:  There’s an audience somewhere for the gun thing, though.

E Dagger: Probably Japan.

Lee S. Hart: Yeah, Japan’s been producing 78% of the world’s weird shit since 1952.

E Dagger: Question: What do you think is the best line?

Lee S. Hart:  Good question, give me a moment.

E Dagger: Let’s discuss the contenders.

Lee S. Hart:  “Oh I dunno. Let me think it over Charlie. I got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls.”

E Dagger: I remember one time being drunk off my ass with Limon and calling you leaving you a message that said only, “Lou? It’s Charlie. How would you feel about managing the Indians?”

E Dagger: I saw you three days later, and the first thing you said to Limon was the line you listed above.

E Dagger: I could tell the same story involving CJS Reader Gutter as well. That’s a classic. One of our favorites living together was always, “Shuuuuut up, Dorn.”

Lee S. Hart:  Well it works for any time you need someone to shut up.

Lee S. Hart:  Or any time you gotta wear a tie there’s always “I feel like a banker in this.”

E Dagger: I was wearing a cutoff shirt one time and put a tie on specifically just so I could use that line on Lady E. Needless to say, she’s a girl and didn’t get it. I, on the other hand, laughed silently for hours about it.

Lee S. Hart:  I would imagine. I’m getting a good laugh thinking about you doing that. I can picture you doing that Chandler-satisfied-with-his-own-comedy-laugh.

E Dagger: Yeah, that’s about right.

E Dagger: In 2008, some of my favorite lines come from Cerrano just because of those Allstate commercials.

E Dagger: Every time he comes on talking about insurance, all I can think is, “You no help me sell insurance now… I say fuck you, Jobu!”

Lee S. Hart:  I always think: “Cerrano want to be your insurance agent.”

E Dagger: Stepping away from lines for a minute, I realize Rachel Phelps was trying to torpedo the team, but seriously, how transparent was her plan?

E Dagger: I mean honestly, she had a guy who was a major league hitter unable to even MAKE CONTACT with a curveball, a guy from prison, and Willie Mays Hayes who should have probably been running track, not anywhere near a batter’s box. Her manager was from TIRE WORLD for fuck’s sake!

Lee S. Hart:  I wondered what exactly was going through Charlie’s head as he was calling all these supposed ball players.

E Dagger: Good question! Here’s a legitimate baseball executive calling assorted washed-up bums, criminals, drunk ex-patriates, and the manager of Tire World to field a team. Hey, how’s your career?

Lee S. Hart:  Charlie: “Who the hell are our scouts?” Where did Rachel Phelps find people to scout penal leagues?

E Dagger: Probably the same place she found people to scout Willie Hayes driving his pimped out Beetle.

Lee S. Hart:  Hays wasn’t actually invited to spring training. He just showed up. I don’t think Phelps had a hand in that

E Dagger: You’re right. My mistake. OK, here’s an easy question: What’s the worst part of Major League?

Lee S. Hart:  The crappy love story with Jake and Renee Russo. Doi!

E Dagger: Good God! How fucking needless! Have you ever watched the movie fast forwarding all the parts involving Rene Russo?

Lee S. Hart:  Only always. That’s why there’s a fast forward button right?

E Dagger: I didn’t realize how much more awesomer that made the movie until about 20 viewings in… now there’s no other way to watch it! I feel like we should get a director’s cut with her part completely wiped clean.

Lee S. Hart:  Hell yeah. I mean she already got paid for it, so what’s the harm?

E Dagger: None. And if she came on at the beginning and said, “Hey, sorry I almost ruined this movie. I’ve spoken with the filmmakers and we all agreed to remove me entirely. And to compensate, we included a scene of Suzanne Dorn naked. Please enjoy your new and improved version of Major League!”

E Dagger: This, along with her completely out-of-left-field topless scenes in The Thomas Crown Affair would be the pinnacle of her career.

Lee S. Hart:  Note to self: See The Thomas Crown Affair

E Dagger: Oh hell yeah. It’s delightfully startling. Above average boobs, I might add…

Lee S. Hart:  I will say this about those Taylor/Russo scenes, they give me a chance to check the Rox score.

E Dagger: Well sure, if you’re watching on TV. On DVD, there’s no excuse for suffering through that poppycock.

Lee S. Hart:  Back to the lines, everything Uecker says.

E Dagger: Uecker’s the glue that holds the entire film together. Who hasn’t been at a Rockies game suffering through Franklin Morales throwing like he has Tourette’s Syndrome and said to whoever was next to ‘em: “Ball four… ball eight…”

Lee S. Hart:  At the end of his career, how close to Rickey Henderson’s record do you think Hayes came?

E Dagger: Hard to tell – I’d have to do a “Roger Ebert on Pulp Fiction” on it and go frame by frame to count how many gloves he nailed to his wall during that first season.

Lee S. Hart:  I guess since we only get to see two seasons of his, we’ll never know.

E Dagger: And considering it was two different guys and no one noticed (The Dick York/Dick Sargent corollary), we’ll REALLY never know.

Lee S. Hart:  “Too high.”

E Dagger: “Too high? No, too hard.”

Lee S. Hart:  I showed up a little late to a game this season and as I took my seat the opposing team hit a homer and the guys behind me quoted that part.

E Dagger: That’s why this movie is a classic. Do you ever show up at a game and hear someone whispering “Go the distance” to his friend like from Field of Dreams? Do you hear anyone prattling on about Terrence Mann or Moonlight Graham? Of course not. That movie is way too ham-fisted in its message and takes itself so goddamn seriously. Major League is just plain FUN.

Lee S. Hart:  I did once hear two guys spend an inning and a half talking about Roadhouse…

E Dagger: Incidentally, any movie where Patrick Swayze tears out a guy’s throat deserves at least one inning of attention… But seriously, The Natural? Field of Dreams? Bull Durham? Do any of them hold a candle to Major League quote wise?

Lee S. Hart:  Oh, absolutely not.

E Dagger: Hell, even any Jimmy Dugan line from A League of Their Own apart from “There’s no crying in baseball.”?

Lee S. Hart:  And I don’t want anybody to throw in that “If you build it they will come” shit.

E Dagger: Agreed. That’s like including “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” at this point. It’s part of the American lexicon, but is it half as funny as “The post-game show is brought to you by… Christ, I can’t find it. The hell with it!” classic from Harry Doyle? Not even close!

Lee S. Hart:  I like how Lou has a picture of Nolan Ryan in his office. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a great player, but I don’t recall Ryan ever playing with the Indians. I guess since we don’t have a back story on Lou he could have possibly played with Ryan at some point, but it seems that it was placed there to fill a plot hole.

E Dagger: Yeah, like they were sitting around one day thinking, “Hey, that space by Lou looks a little empty… I have a picture of Nolan Ryan we can use!” “I don’t think he was with the Indians.” “When I want you to think, I’ll let you know. Go the fuck home and get it! We got a schedule to keep!”

Lee S. Hart:  So the set designer was in charge?  Rework the script to incorporate this picture I put up.

E Dagger: Just like every movie… Set designer is fucking Mussolini… Or it could just be that you’ve seen this movie too many times and are noticing things like a Nolan Ryan picture in Lou’s office and overthinking things because you could recite this movie with your eyes closed.

Lee S. Hart:  I notice the Ryan picture because Lou said look at that picture of Ryan. Dick.

E Dagger: Oh yeah, when Vaughn needs glasses and ends up with the Sally Jesse Raphael frames… I’m an idiot.

E Dagger: Ahhh, anyway… so, who’s writing the review?

Lee S. Hart:  Shuuuut Up Dorn

And there you have it. Nothing was solved, and after giving the previous transcript the once over, we decided it’s in everyone’s best interest that this serve as our tribute to the first Major League movie. If you don’t like it, well… “Up your butt, Jobu.”

See you in Cleveland…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com