Cru Jones Society

 

The sequel used to be tricky business. As a filmmaker, you used to have to try and stay true to the original film while advancing the story in an interesting fashion and evolving the characters. That is – back when studio executives actually gave a shit about any of their products. Now it seems that more sequels come out each year than original films (you can lump remakes in here as well). I mean, Christ, 6 of the top 10 movies of 2007 were not only sequels, but most of them were THE THIRD in the series. Six of the top ten! Are we playing it safe? Are we running out of ideas? Are we too afraid of change? Were people really that desperate to see another installment of National Treasure or Shrek? I need answers!

Of course, at least most of the time these days, the filmmakers try to invent a new adventure in which our favorite friends take part – Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, and Elizabeth Swann execute an impossible-to-follow series of double crosses in order to… actually I’m not really sure who was trying to achieve what in that third Pirates movie – but there was a time when it was clear the filmmakers truly just did not give a crap. The studio came knocking on their doors with armfuls of cash to pump out a sequel like yet another peculiarly named Sarah Palin child, and the filmmakers snickered as they did their best to see if they could get away with handing in the exact same script with minor adjustments without anyone at the studio noticing.

Obviously, this tactic worked at least a few times. Tell me Home Alone 2 was fundamentally any different than the first one. Convince me that the basic structure of Wayne trying to win back Cassandra from her richer and better-looking producer changed somewhere between Wayne’s World and Wayne‘s World 2. And even though they played the evil nation of Iceland in D2, the fact that Averman, Goldberg, and Spazzway still play worse hockey than your average local chapter of Jerry’s Kids renders it indecipherable from the original.

You could make the same case for Major League II. And basically, you’re not wrong. Except that I’m here to tell you that, no, in fact, you ARE wrong, dear CJS reader. Here are the main ways in which Major League II differs from (and in many ways is superior to) the original, and great, Major League.

1) No stupid love story between Rene Russo and Tom Berenger weighing the story down

Rene Russo is limited to a cameo in Major League II, and for that reason alone, this movie deserves kudos. I’ve got nothing against Rene Russo as you’ll soon find out, but for the love of God, the story between her and Jake in the first movie just drags miserably on and on. I’ve never understood her inclusion in the first movie. It’s almost like the writers were sitting around thinking to themselves that there was too much baseball and that would dissuade any females from even considering seeing this movie with their boyfriends. So, instead of just writing any potential female audience off and saying the hell with it (like the makers of Super Troopers did), they decided to tack on a sinfully boring and utterly unnecessary love story. I mean, really, what was the point? Taylor’s play was neither improved nor diminished by Russo’s presence, the douche bag fiancée never got his comeuppance, and the movie is 10 minutes too long.

I’ll grant you that Vaughn’s involvement with the chick who played Connie Conehead appears nearly as irrelevant, but I argue that it serves as a vehicle to display Vaughn’s detour from all the things that made him great and provides him with appropriate corroborating evidence leading to his epiphany about what an asshole he is before he can have his big showdown with Jack Parkman. It’s necessary supporting material for the character’s inevitable big change whereas Rene Russo’s character added absolutely nothing to the first movie.

2) The Indians don’t have two pitchers in this movie… they have THREE!

It’s incredible that the Indians won the pennant in the first movie with only 75 year-old Eddie Harris and Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn not only as the only members of the rotation, but as the only members of the entire pitching staff. In this movie we get scenes featuring Vaughn, some mustachioed, high school science teacher-looking guy named Schoup, and a black dude named Dalton out of the bullpen. They’re still about 8 or 9 members short, but they’re moving in the right direction!

3) Randy Quaid heckles the shit out of Wild Thing

No one plays obnoxious white trash like Randy Quaid. His scenes as Cousin Eddie in the “Vacation” movies are always among those movies’ most entertaining – “Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!”

And he’s got some choice scenes in this one as he yells at Vaughn with unabashed (and creative) disdain and borderline psychotic resolve. In one rant he accuses Vaughn of being a gelding, and then calls him a “human piece of cow flop.” His repeated attacks culminate in one of the great comebacks of all time as the old Vaughn returns. “Blow it out your ass, lardmouth” is a response that Hart and I lob at each other whenever the situation dictates, and wouldn’t have been possible without Randy Quaid’s remarkable commitment to glorious obnoxious, low class zeal!

4) Harry Doyle’s continued defeated contempt of the team driving him to alcoholism

So, technically this isn’t different from the first movie, but he remains the glue that holds these movies together. Honestly, if you compiled a list of the Top 25 Quotes from all the Major League movies, I’m willing to bet Harry Doyle would own at least 10 of them. In this movie, “Cerrano goes back… He’ll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one; that baby’s out of here.” is worth the price of admission alone for me if for no other reason than I’d give just about anything to hear a real life major league announcer use that as his away team homerun call.

5) Black Hammer / White Lightning

“Mine fell the hardest.”

“Mine hit the deadest!”

“Hahaha!”

(clanking of guns together)

“Hahahahahahahahaha!”

‘Nuff said.

6) Jack Parkman

A much better villain and foil for Vaughn than the barely-developed Heywood from the first movie. His christening of Vaughn’s new pitch as “The Masturbator” and his exchange with Hayes during the ALCS puts him light years ahead of Heywood by themselves. He’s a good villain and a guy that gets his appropriate just due. What else can you ask for?

7) Rube Baker

If there’s one thing that keeps me coming back to Major League II, it’s Rube. I grant that his inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher is completely unbelievable (read: not believable for someone in major league spring training), but his delivery of otherwise cliché dilogue is impeccable. George Burns always said the line doesn’t matter, it’s the delivery. He’s proved 100% right in the case of Rube.

“Women… can’t live with ‘em, and they can’t pee standin’ up.”

“My momma always said, ‘It’s better to eat shit than to not eat at all.’”

“Hey. Ya know Ricky, breaking up with a girlfriend can be a very painful thing. But it don’t have to keep ya down for long. I mean, let me tell ya something from my own personal experience. I’ve never had a regular girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life. But you know what happened the very next week?”

“What happened?”

“My mama died.”

In print, these lines are flatter than that fifth grader you made fun of on the bus all those years ago. But Rube brings such hilarious, doe-eyed sincerity to the role, you can’t help but laugh. His clueless, but well-intentioned disposition charms you like you farm fresh lemonade. If Harry is the glue of Major League II, Rube is its emotional center. He’s pure of heart, and serves as the perfect point of reference for the corrupted motives of Dorn, Vaughn, Willie, and Rachel Phelps. He’s an innocent soul in a world of ulterior motives and deception.

I could go on for days about this. Lou in the hospital explaining to the nurse how he loves British television, Tanaka accusing Cerrano of having no marbles, Vaughn’s horrible appearance on “The Tonight Show”… Basically, if you love these characters, you’ll laugh your ass off at this movie. They get enough quality zingers to keep you happy the whole way through. And although this movie definitely doesn’t break any new ground (even in the context of the first movie), isn’t a bunch of good laughs and the subtraction of a needless love story about all you can hope for from a sequel? I think so.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com