Cru Jones Society

Even though it is October, the greatest sports month on the calendar, watching the Cubs crap the bed in spectacular fashion against the buttfucking Dodgers and laboring through a sinfully boring Broncos/Buccaneers snoozefest, I officially need a sports break.

And considering our recap of the 2008 baseball season coupled with three straight days of Major League discussion along with a Happy Friday featuring Paul Newman in hockey gear as the lead-in last week likely turned off any female that still improbably frequents the site, I’m here to make amends. Yeah, it was a lot of sports last week, so to any woman that gratefully still reads us, here’s something for you (I think).

I’m probably committing social suicide with this post, but fuck it, that’s never stopped me before. Here it is in all its glory: My Top 5 Favorite Chick Flicks of All-Time.

The rules here are simple. I’ve chosen my five favorite chick flicks and broken them down for analysis. We’ve got the title, how embarrassing this movie is to my overall essence as a guy (on a scale of 1-10; 1 being the relative equivalent of laughing politely during a showing of You’ve Got Mail with your mom, 10 being your fraternity brothers walking in on you eating a pint of Haagen Dazs crying your eyes out during Terms of Endearment), some of the best and worst scenes from the movie, and a final analysis. One other note, I didn’t choose any of the overt and somewhat embarrassing weepers like Terms of Endearment or Beaches, weird feminist commentary like Boys on the Side or Fried Green Tomatoes, or the just plain unexplainable like Somewhere in Time. I’m still (sort of) a guy. On with the list!

5. Pretty Woman

Embarrassment Rating: 5 out of 10 (high rating for comparisons to Cinderella tempered by Jason Alexander’s amusing pencil-dicked arrogance)

Best Scene (non-emasculating): Julia Roberts, Richard Gere, that old guy from Trading Places and his grandson go to dinner and Julia Roberts has trouble remembering which fork is which and sends a snail flying into the hands of a nearby butler who saves her embarrassment by saying, “It happens all the time.”

Best Scene (dreadfully emasculating): Who can’t help but smile when Richard Gere closes the jewelry box on Julia Roberts’s hand and she sweetly tells him in the elevator, “In case I forget later, I had a really good time tonight.”? It’s just so goddamn sweet, I can barely handle it.

Worst Scene (biggest cringer in the movie): The line at the very end after Richard Gere climbs up the fire escape. He asks, “So what happens after he climbs up the tower and rescues her?” Julia Roberts responds, “She rescues him right back.” Excuse me while I check my nauseating cliché thesaurus on that line. Hey, it didn’t turn up any results. That was, indeed, the dumbest exchange possible.

Analysis: Every time this movie is on, I get sucked in. I used to hastily change the channel whenever anyone would come in while I was watching out of embarrassment, but I’ve got a steady girl now, and I don’t live with any dudes, so the hell with it. I love this stupid movie. I actually analyzed it in graduate school and it’s probably one of the least progressive movies of all-time from a feminist perspective, but who fucking cares? Hector Elizondo is delightful as the hotel manager, Jason Alexander plays essentially a superevil version of George Costanza, and Julia Roberts spends a whole bunch of the movie slinking around in skanky lingerie. What’s not to love? Really?

4. A League of Their Own

Embarrassment Rating: 3 out of 10 (single-handedly saved by Tom Hanks with a minor assist from some great baseball pantomime by Geena Davis)

Best Scene (non-emasculating): It’s tempting to choose Jimmy Dugan berating Evelyn and capping it off with “There’s no crying in baseball!” but that’s become so ingrained in the culture, it’s almost too easy. Instead, I’ll go with Jimmy bursting into the girls’ locker room, taking a transcendent drunken piss, tearing up Betty Spaghetti’s husband’s baseball card, and contemptuously mocking the entire league under his breath during his introduction on the field.

Best Scene (dreadfully emasculating): For whatever reason, I have a soft spot in my heart that scene on the bus when Rosie O’Donnell tears up the picture of her boyfriend (who looks remarkably like a cross between my uncle Pete and a young version of Joey’s dad from Friends) and explains to Betty that playing baseball doesn’t make any of them less of a girl. Hell yeah, sister! You bitches are a’ight!

Worst Scene (biggest cringer in the movie): When the women (now old) sing that goofy song in the Hall of Fame exhibit while Dottie and Kit reunite. I have never once seen a man successfully look at the TV for more than four seconds while this scene is happening. Yes ladies, it’s that bad.

Analysis: I got in a fight with one of my ex-girlfriends over whether or not this was a chick flick. I said no. She said yes. I turned to my dad, whom I thought would back me up, and he said unequivocally, “Yes, it’s a chick flick. It’s a movie about women and their relationships. What else do you need to know?” So, there you go.

Did you know the original rough cut of this movie was well over three and a half hours? Think about that – three and a half hours! Remember that scene when Dottie cries in her room after Betty Spaghetti gets the telegram of death about her husband, and Bill Pullman walks in with a gnarled foot and a pimp cane? In the original cut, Dottie’s not actually crying thinking about how the telegram of death could have been hers, she’s actually distraught about running over the opposing team’s pregnant catcher in an earlier game and causing her to have a miscarriage. And no, I’m not making that up.

What’s my point? Considering how many scenes like the one I just described were probably axed to trim the running time down to something actually watchable, and considering this movie was directed by Penny Marshall, this movie could have been much, much worse and had about 12 more uncomfortable confrontations between Kip and Dottie to augment the other 175 uncomfortable scenes it already contains. As it stands, this is one most couples can generally agree on without much scuffle.  

3. Sleepless in Seattle

Embarrassment Rating: 9 out of 10 (tell someone you like this movie, you might as call up Tyler Durden to secure the rubber band around your nuts for forcible removal – you clearly no longer need them)

Best Scene (non-emasculating): Tom Hanks and his friend tearfully recount the end of The Dirty Dozen to poke fun at his friend’s wife for tearing up while relating the end of An Affair to Remember. I can’t think of a single other scene like this one in a movie anywhere. It stands alone in its hilarity.

Best Scene (dreadfully emasculating): I think it’s during that musical montage where Harry Connick, Jr. sings “With a Wink and a Smile” that Meg Ryan shows up in Seattle to stalk Tom Hanks and falls in love with watching him on the beach with his son. Tom Hanks sees her standing in the street and instantly falls in love with her after gawking at her earlier in the airport. The idea of love at first sight always seemed idiotic to me, but watching these two together in this movie always makes me pause to reconsider.

Worst Scene (biggest cringer in the movie): Any scene involving Meg Ryan and Rosie O’Donnell. Their absurdly over the top romantic dialogue never fails to make me uncomfortable. I always wonder to myself, “Is this how women talk to each other? Or is this just how Nora Ephron wishes women talked to each other? And which of those statements is actually more tragic?”

Analysis: Yeah, it’s Sleepless in Seattle, what? I wish to god I didn’t like it, but again, there’s Tom Hanks making everything alright. His movies are always among the most re-watchable films on television between Forrest Gump, Catch Me If You Can, Big, all these damned romantic comedies, and Cast Away. Cast Away is by far the most surprising considering most of the movie is him on an island by himself talking to a volleyball – and considering those scenes are vastly superior to everything else in the movie! Did you give a shit about him rekindling his love with Helen Hunt once he was picked up by the oil tanker? Of course not! I was more interested in his life on the island. The climax should have been him either getting rescued or dying alone, not his rejection by Helen Hunt who’d rather bang the guy’s dentist than patch things up.

Why am I talking about Cast Away in this section that’s supposedly discussing Sleepless in Seattle? I don’t know. Probably to avoid gushing over how pure the storybook romance between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan is in this movie and how much part of my soul aches for a story like that every so often. See… probably should have stuck to Cast Away.

2. Legally Blonde

Embarrassment Rating: 7 out of 10 (not only is this a chick flick, it’s a chick comedy! I’m not sure why, but that seems somehow worse…)

Best Scene (non-emasculating): This is a toss-up between Reese Witherspoon in the bunny costume and Reese Witherspoon in the tiny bikini in her Harvard entrance video essay. In both scenes, she’s BANGIN’! Seriously… holy shit.

Best Scene (dreadfully emasculating): Reese Witherspoon and that uppity cunt who steals her man have a rap session where they bust on Warner for not even being able to do his laundry and make fun of him for getting wait-listed. Even though this scene terrifies the shit out of me for reminding every man that his woman might talk behind his back and give up the ghost on his most embarrassing secrets, it’s still nice to see the girls bond. And really, Warner’s a douche anyway, so who cares?

Worst Scene (biggest cringer in the movie): Anything involving “the bend and snap.” I suspect this sequence was supposed to be a nod to female empowerment given how zealously the fat black woman gets into it, but it just fell flat. And then Stiffler’s mom telegraphs the move from a mile away and breaks the UPS guy’s nose in one of the most contrived scenes in the history of cinema. Nevermind that no woman in her right mind would ever pick up a pencil this way, and you’ve got a recipe for awkward bullshit.

Analysis: As I said a few months ago, I will never forgive Lady E for getting me into this movie. No matter what you think of it, above all else, you can always count on it for its visual candy. Seriously, the colors in this movie are fucking intense in a good way. There’s so many pinks and greens and oranges you feel like your eyes are having a colorgasm. It’s peculiarly satisfying.

I think what really draws me back to this movie is Reese Witherspoon’s character. She’s not nearly as vapid as she initially seems, and fires off some genuinely funny lines. Her sweet demeanor is markedly different from every other character in this canon, and for that, this movie is wholly unique. Sure, she’s a fashionista that can’t live without a manicure, but she’s also a genuinely good person that cares very much about the people around her and works her ass off for the things she wants. Elle Woods doesn’t take any shortcuts, she’s the good-looking girl not afraid to get her hands dirty. In short, she’s a fucking role model living in the last place you expect to find her. I love stuff like that.

1. Titanic

Embarrassment Rating: 7 out of 10 (probably should be higher, but it’s still got the big fucking ship falling into the ocean and that guy who ricochets off the propeller)

Best Scene (non-emasculating): Jack gives Rose the note to meet her down below for a “real party” and they descend to the bowels of the ship for a raucous party of Guinness, crazy Irish folk dancing, arm wrestling, cigarettes, and hilarious Irish accents. Yeah, that and when he draws her naked, obviously.

Best Scene (dreadfully emasculating): Rose is on her way down the lifeboat while Jack and Cal discuss how Cal will leave Jack on the boat to die and win Rose in the end. Rose looks up at Jack’s face and jumps from the lifeboat onto the lower level of the deck because she can’t bear the thought of being without him. Jack sprints down and they embrace in a tearful, passionate, glorious fury of true love. Is it getting a little dusty in here, or is it just me?

Worst Scene (biggest cringer in the movie): When Rose’s mom ties up Rose’s corset and expositions that the family has no money left forcing Rose to marry Cal to save their good name and prevent the government from selling off their “beautiful things” while ol’ mom from has to become a seamstress. Yeah, God forbid you have to work, lady! I realize when Titanic sailed we were still about a decade away from women’s suffrage, but geez, you’re certainly not doing the movement any favors! Also, there’s more overacting here than in any scene not involving Jon Lovitz.

Analysis: I figure, if you’re going to write this article and screw with your own reputation, why not go the full nine and really just blow it the fuck up? Titanic redefines the word “epic” as it’s the only movie in my lifetime that was larger than life. Great action, unbelievable sets, spectacular cinematography, and magnificent chemistry between Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.

Did you know the scene where they’re on the deck and he teaches her to spit was largely improvised? James Cameron wanted the two actors to have believable chemistry, so he made them hang out and spout off some dialogue off the top of their head in character. That’s great directing! It’s not like watching the painfully stilted exchanges between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen in the Star Wars prequels who seem as in love with each other as your mom and dad after they got divorced. Rose and Jack seem genuinely taken with each other which is as much a credit to the story as it is to the actors.

Even though Rose lays on that big door while poor Jack freezes to death (seriously, couldn’t they have taken turns?), everything up to that point felt like real romance. And I’ll admit, while watching this in a packed theater over Christmas break my sophomore year of high school (one of the high points of E Dagger’s Terminal Pissface), I felt genuine fear when the water level rapidly rose while Jack was handcuffed down below. I was jaded as can be at 16 years old, and even I wanted to see these two end up together. When Jack freezes to death and drifts to the bottom of the ocean, I couldn’t help but get a little misty. Of course, when I got back to school, I lied to everyone and shit all over the movie.

Thankfully, now I don’t have to. Although depending on what kinds of responses I get here, I might wish I had.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com