Cru Jones Society

 

It’s Thursday which means you’re damn close to the weekend. Couple days off from work… a few beers… and confusing the hell out of your lady with your monkeynuts behavior. At least, that’s what the ladies at Cosmo think. They have a number of behaviors that the fellas do which apparently confuses the hell out of them, so they put ‘em in an article, asked a few “experts” to solve these mysteries, and showed off the results on their website for all to see. I realize this ain’t Monday, and that it’s been more than 3 months since I wrote a Love Lounge piece, but hey, sometimes it just feels right. And I’m definitely feelin’ right. And God knows if I spend anymore time thinking about the financial meltdown/the presidential election/Colorado’s bloated ballot/Dakota Fanning re-entering the public consciousness, there’s a good chance my head will explode. I don’t want that. Ergo, let’s make fun of pop psychology!

As always, I’ve included the original source to show that I’ve made none of this up – someone actually wrote this sincerely – and that CJS observes the proper rules of source citation. My comments are in italics and follow the original text. Let’s find out why guys do those crazy things they do.

Understanding His Baffling Behavior

Cosmo played dude detective to find out if irksome male habits are the result of hard-wiring or just hard-headedness.

Yeah, this isn’t going to be biased at all.

Why Do Guys …

… always sit with their legs splayed?

When you spot a guy sitting spread-eagle across two seats, you have to wonder why he feels the need to give the world a full-view crotch shot.

Probably because he’s wearing jeans meaning everyone sees stretched fabric showing nothing more than a denim taint. So what?

“It’s about temperature,” says Adam Carolla, cohost of radio programs Loveline and The Man Show. “You see, the scrotum – where sperm live – is positioned outside the body and needs to be kept cool so the little guys don’t suffocate.”

Adam Carolla plays the role of Dr. Drew this time.

Another explanation: “Women are taught to keep their legs together as a way of not inviting sex,” says Helen Fisher, PhD, author of The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They Are Changing the World (Ballantine, 2000). “In contrast, a man is saying, ‘Come and get it.’”

Uh, yeah. Bingo, doc. You’re making whoever awarded you that PhD proud.

… hardly ever change their sheets?

It’s not some male grody gene that causes them to sleep in filth, but it does have to do with biology. “Men have a weaker sense of smell, and their skin isn’t as sensitive as women’s,” says Fisher.

I do personally notice when they’re clean, so that’s probably something. Plus, why is the act of sleeping suddenly filthy? I often shower before bed, what’s old PhD Fisher have to say about that?

“So guys aren’t as likely to notice (until maximum grime has been reached) that they’re snoozing in stinky sheets.” On a less physiological level, she continues, “Men are less natural nest-builders.” In other words, they’d rather be out slaying Big Macs than laundering bed linens any day.

What the fuck’s “slaying a Big Mac” got to do with laundry? “Slaying a Big Mac” takes what, five minutes? You can put the laundry in, and then get a Big Mac. What the hell is this crazy bitch talking about?

… think women long for marathon lovemaking?

Guys know that women dig tons of foreplay. The problem is, they assume that means their girls want intercourse to last just as long and if they fail to go the distance, they’ll be labeled as a lame lover, says Brendan Baber, coauthor of “A Guy’s Guide to Dating.”

Any guy that actually buys “A Guy’s Guide to Dating” by Brendan Baber for dating advice can safely be no longer recognized as a man. Seriously, Brendan Baber? Bet he throws great Oscar parties in addition to giving out fabulous “breeder” dating advice.

They erroneously believe that longevity equals virility, so they’re terrified of being an early ejaculator who leaves you searching for a man blessed with more stamina. A quick fix for this sexual faux pas: Whisper something sexy in his ear, like “don’t hold back,” to let him know there’s no need to strain for the world record.

Yeah, I’m sure this problem is just sweeping the nation, isn’t it, ladies? Women everywhere complaining about how goddamn long they have to make love. In other news, ice skating on the river Styx is more popular than ever…

… believe they need to win at everything?

It’s no secret that men have a severe need to succeed, and once again biology is to blame. In the face of competition, a man’s testosterone level soars, making him more willing to take risks, explains Alan Booth, PhD, a professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University.

WIN AT YELLING!

And though this overdrive can be annoying, you may not want to discourage it. According to a study conducted at that university, the testosterone level of winners stays high after play. Who knows? If you’re lucky, he’ll be pumped to be a champ in the sack too.

That’s right, let your caveman dude destroy the competition on the field then drag you home by your hair for “Mmm! Make sex now!” Sounds awesome, actually.

… dread the thought of dressing up?

“For men, being too put-together implies femininity,” says Fisher. “Clothes are not as potent a courting tool…”

Oh, bullshit. Hang out with a group of girls sometime – any group of girls – and once they accept you as one their own, listen to them absolutely shred the dudes at wherever you are dressed like dorks / Guidos / pantywastes / Eastern European tourists. It’s like fucking David Mamet dialogue, it’s so brutal.

“A Rolex watch or an expensive car are the things guys often use to show status, wealth, and basic desirability.” If you’re stuck with a schlub, next time he’s eyeing gadgets at the mall, tell him you spotted a cool pair of khakis that would go great with his beeper.

If you’re dating a guy with a beeper, maybe it’s time to call Doc Brown and hop back in the time machine to return the present. Also, Rolexes are for assholes.

… insist on growing bad facial hair every six months or so?

Growing ridiculous facial-hair configurations is mostly about regret – especially if the guy happens to fall into the category of clean-shaven, buttoned-up nine-to-fiver.

This is basically right. In high school Limon, Hart, me and a couple other dudes decided we’d grow mutton chops for no particular reason. Nevermind that it took me 4x as long as everyone else… But fuck, I couldn’t do that now. For SO many reasons I can’t do that now, the first of which is my square peg job.

Every so often, men wish they were a member of Pearl Jam. So resisting the razor may be a last-ditch effort to try to reconnect with their inner rebel. “Also, facial hair is one of the few fashion statements men can get away with without being mocked,” says Baber.

Well, not so much Pearl Jam, but yeah. Every man owes it to himself to grow (or at least attempt to grow) a beard at least once in his life. I did it and it looked like complete butt. But who gives a shit, it was totally fun. So, if you haven’t done this yet, read this. Trust me, you’ll start tomorrow.

… assume every guy who’s not one of his oldest friends is a loser?

It goes back to caveman-clan mentality, says Fisher. Guys don’t want to let anyone they perceive as the enemy into their inner circle.

If your old lady introduces you to one of her “platonic” friends, I say it’s okay to immediately hate that guy, at least temporarily. Why, you ask? Because think back on your own lives, fellas. You’ve probably had at least passing thoughts about boning every single one of your platonic friends whether they were dating one of your buddies or not. Chances are excellent you’ve never seriously considered acting on these feelings 99.5% of the time, but you’ve still had them. And so has every other guy. Probably about your girl.

They see all men they don’t know (and that includes the geek at Starbucks) as a threat. Help him evolve by pointing out that these days, more girlfriends are stolen by best buds than by strangers.

Plus, there are so many douche bag guys out there anymore, often it’s better to be safe than sorry. This is especially true if you live on Long Island.

… lose interest in making out a few months into a relationship?

Ah, the mysterious disappearance of the make-out session. This perplexing passion phenomenon boils down to goal orientation: Guys have tunnel vision when it comes to achieving an orgasm. “After the initial infatuation has worn off, there are times when men do the deed almost instinctively to release their pent-up sexual energy,” says Fisher. “They are comfortable with you, so they don’t always feel the need to woo you with foreplay to reach that end.”

First, sex takes too long. Now we don’t make out for long enough and have sex too quickly. Make up your minds! It’s like trying to fuck Goldilocks, which, incidentally, is probably something every guy has considered at one point or another. That bitch looked super trampy and given that she was crawling into a bear’s bed, probably kinky as hell too.

… leave dirty socks on the floor?

Most women, and not just the nonslovenly variety, assume that this is a purely self-centered behavior. And guess what? They’re right. “Men repeatedly leave things like dirty laundry on the floor just because they know that women will pick them up,” says Solomon. It’s as simple as that, so stop doing it!

Agreed. Pick up your goddamn socks. And that goes for both sexes. I like my shit clean, so do us a favor and pick up all your clutter before we get to your house to spare us having to make like Eddie Murphy crossing that path of posts to get the Ajanti Dagger and save the Golden Child. No, I’m not going to explain that for those of you that don’t get it. Just pick up your socks.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com