Hey, nice vest, shithead!

We’ve reached critical mass with this problem, and it’s high time we address it before an entire generation of jerkoffs is born wearing this highly useful athletic gear like it’s something off the runways of Milan. Under Armour, and athletic gear in general, is not fashion. Under Armour is only the latest company of many to make its way to mainstream couture acceptance, but due to its form-fitting nature, also the most offensive.

According to the eminently reliable Wikipedia, Under Armour “was originally created to be worn underneath uniforms (like baseball or basketball jerseys) or pads (like football, hockey or lacrosse shoulder pads), but now also manufactures clothes such as hooded sweatshirts, regular t-shirts, sweat pants, compression shorts, etc… Under Armour led the trend of form-fitting, moisture-wicking performance apparel.” I think those last two words are paramount here: performance apparel – i.e. to wear during athletic competition and training. According to Senor Limon, who wore it for jiu jitsu training, it prevents chafing and helps you stay cool while you hug another guy on the floor for an hour.

According to that 45 year-old douche nozzle with the shaved head I saw at the outdoor festival with well-shaped, but still-old-manboob-looking pectorals and obnoxious Oakleys, he thinks this skintight, bright red nylon get-up paired with PacSun shorts and a pair of Reefs makes him look younger and will help him score a young piece of ass. To that I say, “Ha!”

He might as well be wearing a big sign around his neck with a big bullhorn that screams “midlife crisis!” at full volume on repeat. Just because you work out doesn’t mean anyone gives a shit. Translation: Wearing your workout clothes in public means either a) You just came from the gym and didn’t have the decency to shower and clean yourself up; or b) You’re a complete dickwad who needs the world to know you only purchase the finest in workout gear and must have the first thing anyone thinks about you be that yes, you have a gym membership, and that yes, you use it frequently. Oh, and here’s your pot belly accentuated by form fitting nylon.

Well congratulations, buttmunch, you’ve succeeded admirably. We all now know you’re a narcissistic, self-centered prick that can recite his resting heart rate like it’s his phone number, but probably can’t tell you who’s running for senate in his state in this year’s election.

What the hell is going on here? Under Armour, a tie, and a toga. This guy is definitely king of the dipshits.

More broadly, I’ve never understood any athletic apparel as fashion anyway. It’s like when you go to Las Vegas and there’s always at least one guy in your crew who still wears his tennis shoes everywhere like he’s 12 years old, which prevents you from getting into half the places you want to get into. Athletic shoes are to be worn for athletic activities. Period. Just because they’re comfortable, doesn’t mean you need to wear them every single place you go. If you’re really that much of a delicate little flower, buy some Dr. Scholl’s and start dressing like a grown-up. It’s time.

I also get a chuckle when I see people wearing warm-up pants in public. There was a segment in FHM (back when they actually used to do a print edition, not just a shitty, no-content website) called “Hey, it’s your ex-girlfriend!” where some hot chick would dish out all the embarrassing secrets of whatever cockbag that broke up with her. This one chick talked about how her ex-boyfriend only wore workout pants wherever they went. He had six pairs of gray ones, and one pair of white ones, which he called his “goin’ out pants.” The only time wearing warm-up clothes in public is acceptable is if you’re sitting underneath the scorer’s table waiting for the next whistle in an NBA game, or if you’re this guy.

Athletic gear has been a part our fashion culture for the last several decades. Remember 15 years ago when everyone in your middle school (yours truly included) wore one of those NFL Starter parkas like they were on the sidelines of some below-zero shootout at Lambeau Field? Yeah, think about how stupid those things look now. And think about that every time you consider donning that Under Armour t-shirt in public or slipping around Vegas in your goddamn New Balances. 15 years from now when you’ve actually come to your senses and begun dressing like an upstanding adult, you’ll look back on your choices and say, “What the cow turds was I thinking? I looked like an idiot!”

Save yourself the trouble. Don’t wear athletic gear as fashion.

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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