Don’t we all look nice dressed up like this?

It may be that I watched “Friends” for the first time in eons tonight. It may be that whenever I hang out with my mom, some of my jokes bounce off her like I’m Chandler and that she’s incapable of detecting deadpan like many of the unsuspecting supporting characters serving as the targets of his dry wit over the 10 seasons of Friends. It may be that I saw Jennifer Aniston wearing a bathing suit in the tabloids this week. It may be that I have no reason at all.

Whatever it is, it’s high time we analyze what it would be like to sleep with each character on the show “Friends.” Are you with me? Of course you are! You’re a Cru Jones Society reader!

Dr. Ross Geller

“She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin.”

Pros: Hopeless romantic; sensitive to his partner’s needs; basically a sure thing; is Jewish (so no weird, anteater-looking foreskin to deal with); if sex becomes too unpleasant – will probably make you laugh by putting his hands on your butt.

Cons: Clumsy as hell (see his hopeless sex attempt with Phoebe on the pool table as well as his ridiculous disrobing with Rachel in the planetarium); will probably beg you for sex; fails to understand the concept of a “break;” blows his nut too early, pillow talk includes discussions of boring dinosaur shit; will probably make you dress up like Princess Leia sometime.

Biggest Turn-Ons: Meeting a fine-ass black chick with a PhD who also used to host Talk Soup; women who happen to be Jennifer Aniston.

Biggest Turn-Offs: Failure by you to understand what a “break” constitutes; grammatical errors.

Final Analysis: Ross is one of those guys you bone to try and break a slump that ends up calling you over and over wondering “what does it all mean?” Hey buddy, sometimes it doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes it means just getting liquored up on Midori sours and rubbing our bodies together like we’re trying to start a fire in the wilderness because someone forgot to bring the matches. Not everything has to end with a hangdog expression and a defeated “Hhhhhhhhiiii” to your friends in the coffee house. Sometimes it can just be a happy-go-lucky trip to Dr. Beer Goggles’ Bone Coaster, if you know what I mean, you emo bitch.

Phoebe Buffay

Super Phoebe gets it done.

Pros: Is likely one of the five kinkiest people on the entire planet, sportfucks, looks like a cross between “I Dream of Jeannie” and the girl you probably had a crush on in middle school, will drunkenly take off her top to divert attention for a friend, lives alone, doesn’t take crap from the other two bitches.

Cons: Is likely one of the five kinkiest people on the entire planet – meaning you’ll probably at some point end up naked hanging from an exposed pipe with a plastic bag over your head and a mousetrap threatening to close on your nutsack if you even sneeze, doesn’t eat red meat, will probably make you join Greenpeace before doing the deed, looks like she’s about 65 in later seasons.

Biggest Turn-Ons: Hippie dudes; vegetarians; washboard abs.

Biggest Turn-Offs: Right wing guys; close-mindedness; Paulo’s hairy, naked boner.

Final Analysis: Phoebe would no doubt be one of those women you tell your grandchildren about (assuming you talk to your grandchildren about the women you banged before you met their grandmother). She’d likely be one of those women that offered up scenarios you don’t even read about in Penthouse Forum, and if you’re drunk enough, this is the woman for you. However, stick with her long enough, and chances are excellent you’re either ending up too frightened to ever get a boner again, or rushing home to take care of rat babies you adopted impromptu. Definite bad with the good scenario here…

Chandler Bing

“One pizza, side of neurosis, please!”

Pros: Has been with so few women, you feel confident about his being disease-free, has a third nipple which is sort of intriguing (c’mon, you’ve always wanted to see one); has sneaky charm; is the best sex one character’s ever had; fails to execute “hug & roll” properly meaning you get to snuggle all night long!

Cons: Never, ever shuts up; probably uses humor to compensate for small penis; wears nothing but dorky sweater vests; has major Oedipus complex; obviously gay for Joey.

Biggest Turn-Ons: Appreciation of Ernie Kovacs; understanding of that which is unapologetically droll; laughing at his jokes.

Biggest Turn-Offs: Falling for his roommate; failing to laugh at his jokes; being not Joey.

Final Analysis: Chandler is the wild card of this entire group. Monica claims he’s the best sex she’s ever had – better than Tom Selleck! – yet, you can’t help but wonder about him. He looks like he’s not much, but given how he has a tendency to freak out, you suspect he just might stumble Don Knotts-style into being an amazing lay. It’s important that he’s post-rehab Chandler though, and not hopped-up-on-coke-and-Oxycontin Chandler. Skinny may be in, but seriously, you need a little bit to hang on to!

Monica Geller

Just got word she’s in a threesome with Drew Barrymore and Van Damme. Nice…

Pros: Seems to have fairly loose standards; still seeks validation from men after years of humiliating fatness; will attempt to satisfy you no matter your perverse fetish (i.e. shark porn); will have unreal guilt sex if she forgets a holiday; willing to cook dinner post-sex, can’t get pregnant.

Cons: Will fake her way through the deed in order to attempt to get pregnant; loses condom showdown to Rachel every time in the bathroom; former fatness resulting in disgusting, rib-showing skinniness; will probably nag you to death for paddling her canoe wrong; will never admit to being wrong; won’t have sex on the balcony. Ever. Not after her underwear ended up on the telephone pole after a night with Fun Bobby.

Biggest Turn-Ons: A clean apartment; cheesy, over-the-top romance; scotch on the rocks with a twist.

Biggest Turn-Offs: Smoking; still being in high school; failing to have neuroses (like making the bed so the flowers on the comforter face the headboard where the sun is).

Final Analysis: You’ll definitely want to catch Monica in the early seasons before she goes completely apeshit and becomes totally unlikable. Once she lost weight in college, she totally became the neighborhood fuckjar which is always “Enter at your own risk” but still good because you know she’ll be no-bullshit. In the later seasons she became irritatingly neurotic and painfully disagreeable. Couple that with a figure that makes Nicole Richie look like America Ferrara, and you’ve got a surprisingly unfuckable character. Stay away from old Monica at all costs. Young Monica will give you a wild ride. Old Monica will probably just want you to make a slip cover or something.

Joey Tribbiani

Joey bein’ Joey…

Pros: Knows his way around the bedroom. Can I mention this again? He knows what the fuck he’s doing in there. Looks to stay in decent shape. Is Italian (Translation: Big dong). Will introduce you to all your favorite “Days of Our Lives” characters. Isn’t into commitment, if that’s what you need. Still miraculously a good guy despite all the man-whoring.

Cons: Probably won’t go down on you unless he’s getting paid by a special clinic; once featured in a series of PSAs for VD; is too poor to pick up the check at dinner; will almost certainly forget your birthday; has a terrifying mother and band of about 25 sisters; likely can’t read or write.

Biggest Turn-Ons: Women that pick up the check; hot friends across the hall; fried foods with cheese; napping with Ross.

Biggest Turn-Offs: Women that fail to respond to “How YOU doin’?”; women that read books; leaving your wooden leg near a fireplace.

Final Analysis: Joey may have been with a lot of women, but he’s not of afraid of continuing to experiment. You’ll remember that he helped Treeger learn how to dance for the Building Superintendent’s Ball and was the one who pushed to continue napping with Ross. Joey gave Phoebe her perfect kiss, and fell in love with Rachel even after watching her use a breast pump. He stripped naked the first time he met Monica, kissed Chandler on New Year’s Eve, and hugged him more times than most people have hugged their own mothers. All things considered, you know you’re getting some good lovin’ (male or female) when you go to bed with Joey.

Of course, you also know you’re getting some mad V.D., but whatever. It’s not like syphilis ever killed anyone… Well, you know, not anyone in this century, anyway.

Special note: For those of you at work, get ready to glance quickly at the next picture and scroll quickly past it. And then revisit it when no one is likely to pass by your cubicle/office/license plate making space. Ready?

Rachel Green

Yeah, not even from the show. I don’t care, this picture is fucking hot.

 

 

 

 

Pros: Unspeakably hot in the first four seasons, decently hot in the last six, now brutally hot again; comes from rich parents; will wear kinky lingerie to dinner; wins condom faceoffs with Monica in the bathroom; understands the concept of “animal sex”; will break out cheerleading costume just to win you over; made out with another girl and “knocked coconuts together”; will actually indulge your nerdy Star Wars fantasies – Amazing!

Cons: Will make you slog through a poorly-written and hackneyed letter before getting back together with you; will sabotage your relationship with a previously not-bald girl to get her way; has a thing for greasy, no-necked, Italian scumbags; falls in love absurdly easily; has a tendency to whine and cry too much; has father that might hire someone to kill you just because he can.

Biggest Turn-Ons: Materialistic demonstrations of romance; soap opera-style prose; dorky romance novels; paleontologists.

Biggest Turn-Offs: Sleeping with other women (Oh come on!); arguing homophones (y-o-u-r vs. y-o-u-‘-r-e).

Final Analysis: Rachel is by far the biggest catch of all the friends. She slept with her ex-fiancee in his orthodontic chair, did the no-pants dance with Ross in a museum exhibit, and wore the sexiest piece of lingerie ever seen on a primetime sitcom. I’m hard pressed to think of anyone that even holds a candle to Season 1-2 Rachel in terms of sheer yumminess. If you think of someone, be sure to let me know. But when you consider her donning the cheerleader outfit, her enthusiastic endorsement of viewing things upside-down during Monica’s sex tutorial for Chandler, and her dancing around naked in the apartment before heading to Vegas, I think your search will come up fruitless. Of course that’s just my opinion.

You’re welcome to begaggle any of the six friends as you see fit. Just don’t expect me to be there when you’re disappointed by one of them. I gave you fair warning. Just because you ended up with Joey’s chlamydia or had your nipples zapped with a pair of jumper cables hooked to a car battery thanks to Phoebe, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I did.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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