This could become our new flag

We’re all aware that Canada doesn’t have what it takes to mount a full-scale military invasion of the US. What with being all tucked away under there we feel that our homes are safe from them.

But what if they aren’t? What if Canada has secretly been using slow and subtle tactics in an effort to make the US it’s bitch? Here are a few of the tactics they might be using.

Hockey

This is where their plan is slow. Hockey was unleashed in the US as an attempt to distract the population for hours at a time. If the game eve caught on like football has then there would be approximately 100 days that the Canadians could strike and we wouldn’t know until the next break in action.

Peewee hockey leagues are sprouting up faster than a flower that sprouts fast. Peewee hockey is becoming more popular than little league, and almost as popular as youth soccer. This is Canada’s first step in training the American youth in Canadian culture and ways.

If your child tells you they want to play hockey, be cautious.

Beer

It’s well documented that Canadian beer is like moonshine: it will get you drunk. I don’t know where any of these documents are, but that’s beside the point. Also well documented in documents I don’t know the whereabouts of, people are more suggestible once intoxicated. After consuming the bubbling crude, beer that is, golden gold, Canadian tea; the Canadians will take advantage of the suggestibility and convince us to partake in sing-a-longs of “O, Canada” and watch hockey on a regular basis.

Their largest brewery has already joined forces with our third largest making the booze that more readily available.

Beware any one offering to buy you a Molson, LaBatts, or (especially) Moosehead.

Politeness

It is no secret that Canadians are more polite than Midwesterners, so it only makes sense that they would use that to their advantage. By being polite they can easily gain friendship and trust. Much like Eddie Haskell, to your face sweet and polite, behind your back scheming, always scheming.

With out hesitation we will invite these people over to our homes. At which point they show up with a case of Molson and talk about how hockey is better now that the 2-line pass rule been removed as they turn a game on to show you what they are talking about.

In this world of all-about-me and go go go be watchful of those they “sorey aboot that.”

These are just the three major strategies that the government is aware of and feels a strong need to inform the American public about. A couple others to be weary of, but afraid of, yet: Michael J. Fox, very charming and able to reach the population easily, this threat was quelled when he became diagnosed with Parkinson’s which is believed to have been infected by someone in our governments. Mike Myers, mass appeal and again able to easily reach the public, threat was subsided with the release of The Love Guru. Degrassi Junior High, Canadian melodrama has potential to spark emotion and empathy towards Canadian people. Not currently a threat as it can only be found on channels whose key demographic is teenagers, and nobody cares about what teenagers are watching (except acne medicine companies).

Don’t take this warning lightly. Canadians have no distinguishable physical characteristics, and they already walk among us and are looking to execute their diabolical plans. I’m not advocating racial profiling, just be cautious of new acquaintances, and that bitch Anne Murray too.

HOT!

See ya in the trenches…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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