Cru Jones Society

 

Since I live alone and rarely have another person to talk to while I watch movies, I ask myself questions that I spend the rest of the evening wrestling with. Last night’s difficult query came courtesy of the film Alien, and no the question was not whether some one could hear you scream in space or not. What I was wondering was if I was given the opportunity, would I partake in space travel. What follows are the pros and cons I took into consideration to answer this conundrum.

Space Ship

With it being the key element into getting me into space it is important that I examine possible aspects of my ride.

There’s always the chance that it will blow up upon take off. It’s also possible my car could blow up upon ignition. Why should I trust auto engineers more than rocket scientists? I don’t ever recall facing a simple task and hearing somebody say, “Come on dude, it’s not auto engineering, just sink that last cup!”

I know I didn’t mention it in my earlier post, but dying in a fiery space ship explosion would be a pretty sweet way to go.

Advantage: Space Travel

Space Food

Real food, like potato chips, aren’t allowed on space crafts, unless you want a giant ant filled mess floating around you. So what are the options? Freeze dried food, and not that cool quick expanding pizza stuff in Back to the Future II. I once had astronaut ice cream; sure it tasted like ice cream, well more accurately it tasted like an ice cream flavored sponge.

And what do astronauts get to wash down all these delicious freeze-dried sponges? Tang, that ever so wonderful powered drink mix. The same stuff Al Bundy put between two pieces of bread and called a sandwich; the same stuff I planned on rolling a midget in to create an Oompa Loompa to shovel coal into my coal powered vehicle, but that’s another post all together.

If I stay on earth I can have pizza, or tacos, or any damn thing I please. And to wash it down I can have beer, or whiskey, or if I want an awful orange drink, Absolute Mandarin.

Advantage:  Staying on earth

Becoming Famous

Neil Armstrong, Sally Ride, and Lisa Marie Nowak are all famous because they were astronauts, or because they crapped themselves while driving across the country to kidnap a woman who she saw as arrival for one man’s affection.

So short of becoming a whack job I could become famous with out being on a reality show. Then maybe one day Tom Hanks will play me in a movie, or at least Gary Sinise. Though my luck it’ll be Horatio Sans.

Advantage: Space Travel

Itty Bitty Living Space

I get the impression there isn’t a lot of room on space ship, much like a cheap New York apartment, or a submarine. Also like a submarine I couldn’t leave with out an elaborate dressing much like young children going out in the snow. Outside the ship there is just vastness and one tiny slip up could be the end of me.

Advantage: Staying on Earth

Aliens

In the rare event that I would happen upon an alien, and from what movies have taught me, it could either be scary as shit or totally awesome. There are plenty of aliens that want to kill me or eat me. Aliens like the alien from Alien, Predator, those ones from Independence Day, or Evil Dick Solomon. Again I didn’t mention it, but having my obituary read: A sting ray like creature mounted his face upon which it laid eggs in his throat then hours later a small creature burst through his chest. Hart’s body is now floating in space.

But I think there are more friendly aliens out there. Aliens like Wookies, Gordon Shumway, ET, those yip-yip-yip guys on Sesame Street, or Uncle Martin (the Ray Walston version, not Christopher Lloyd). There’s also a chance I could run into Walter, Art, and Ben and they could offer me eternal life. Forever spending life cruising space, hearing it called “diabeetus;” now that’s living the dream.

Advantage: Space Travel

Now I’m no mathematician or banker but I believe space travel beats staying on earth 3 to 2. Which means if the opportunity comes around I’ll boldly going where no man has gone before, but that is a big if so I’ll probably just stay in Lakewood.

See ya in a galaxy far far away…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com