Cru Jones Society

Everyone always frets about what to be for Halloween, especially Lady E. It’s for this reason that I’ve taken to assertively suggesting what she should be each Halloween, which not only saves her the brain damage of thinking for more than 10 seconds about a holiday she’s not especially fond of, but I get to see her in some damn fine ensembles to boot. I love Halloween, so this is a job I relish.

That’s why I’m here right now. If any of you are suffering from Halloween costume indecision or ambivalence, the following pages are your salvation. I’ve pored over hundreds of Halloween costume websites (actually, four) and posted 30 of the more interesting selections here for your perusal. Each costume included here is also award-winning – award-winning in the sense that I found the goofiest ones and wrote fake awards for them – and has a brief description of who the costume is perfect for, and what you’re likely to encounter should you wear it. Let’s get started.

As we embark on our Halloween odyssey, I’d like to note two things about adult Halloween. 1) This guy on the front page of BuyCostumes.com  is wearing quite possibly the lamest Joker costume of all-time. I seriously want to steal this guy’s lunch money simply for looking like such a ridiculous dweeb in this getup. Secondly, and probably apparent to everyone who’s been to an adult Halloween party, Halloween is like the slutty prom for adults. It’s staggering how many costumes exist for the seemingly sole purpose of delaying kinky sex. Here’s what I’m talking about. Check out the number of pages dedicated to costume types on BuyCostumes.com:

Number of pages for “Classic Costumes – Men:” 5
Number of pages for “Classic Costumes – Women:” 6
Number of pages for “Sexy Costumes – Women:” 41

That’s right! 41 pages, baby! That’s more than 480 skank-a-licious costumes just waiting to be crumpled up on the floor in a drunken stupor! And we wonder why we can’t elect a woman president? Is the deck stacked against them? Continued subjugation through objectification? Nah, it can’t be! Halloween’s all in good fun, mate! Loosen up! Have some monster punch! And let’s check out some costumes together, shall we?

Geekiest Costume of the Year Award

Perfect for… those who really, really like their Microsoft Xbox and those who really, really hate to get laid by the slutty nurse throwing down Goldschlager at the end of the bar.

Likely Exchange: “So, what are you – like a G.I. Joe or something?”

“No, I’m a Master Chief from Halo, dumbass. It’s only one of the top selling video games in the entire world.”

“Oh, well, excuse me, Chief. I’ll let you get back to your mission then. By the way, nice codpiece. Dork.”

Final Thoughts: If you’re wearing this costume outside of ComicCon or are hired by an event promotions company to appear at a LAN party, prepare to get chastised by, well, everyone. Because unless you’re dressed as Mario or Luigi tapping into the Gen X kitschy nostalgia trip, dressing as a video game character is likely to yield several embarrassed scoffs. Wear at your own risk.

Most Creative Way to Objectify a Woman / Most Uncomfortable Way to Spend Your Halloween Awards

Perfect for… feminists who happen to be hot that love irony; stupid girls who loved Barbie and don’t get the potentially brilliant social commentary swimming beneath this creative costume.

Likely Exchange: “Say, Pretty Polly… how’s about we head back to my place and slip you out of that tight box so I can slip into your… well, you get the idea.”

“WHAT? I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU. I’M IN THIS BOX.”

Final Thoughts: Enjoy not sitting down all night, because if you do, you’ll inevitably have to take this damn thing off and suddenly you’re just a chick wearing a swimsuit in public the day before it becomes November. Unless you’re some place like South Padre Island, this is considered weird. Although, this costume is extremely close to realizing my suggestion of “Your Box in a Box.”

Peter Pan Memorial Award: You Can’t Make Me Grow Up!

Perfect for… guys who live with their parents; guys who own vans with no windows; guys who think Chris Hansen is the scariest dude on the planet.

Likely Exchange: “So, Harry Potter again this year?”

“Yeah, you know… it was good last year, so I thought I’d bust it out again. It’s a surprisingly good book, you know.”

“Yeah, I’m still not reading it. Leave me alone.”

Final Thoughts: You’re a grown man dressed as a character geared toward middle school aged children. What else is there to say? You’re either a pedophile or a complete tool.

Saddest Commentary on our Relentless Consumerist Culture Award

Perfect for… people attending a funeral the next week of someone they don’t know well and don’t want to spend money on a new dress; poor people who aren’t entirely sure which city 5^th Avenue is even in.

Likely Exchange: “Oh darling, I spent the day shopping on 5^th Avenue and my feet ache from dancing in and out of the stores and trying on more pairs of shoes than you’ve even seen in your life.”

“This tag says your dress is 100% rayon. And your hat is plastic.”

“They shut off my cable last week.”

Final Thoughts: If you can’t afford to shop on 5^th Avenue, but want to express to everyone that you have no more noble a goal in life than to own nice clothing, this is YOUR costume. Continue enjoying the credit crisis and let me know how your nice shoes look during bankruptcy hearings.

Teenage “This IS My Costume. Give Me Some Fuckin’ Candy Already” Award Pt. 1

Perfect for… surly teenagers; Cobra Kais fallen on hard times.

Likely Exchange: “Yeah yeah… trick or treat.”

“And what are you supposed to be?”

“I’m a skeleton. See? [points at sweatshirt]

“That’s not much effort you put into your costume, son. And aren’t you a little old to be trick or treating?”

“Look whatever old man, just give me some fuckin’ candy already before I egg your house.”

Final Thoughts: I miss the assholes from high school. Wait, no I don’t.

Saddest Costume Anyone Ever Paid Money For Award

Perfect for… people who lack irony; elementary school teachers; members of the Florida Orange Juice Council.

Likely Exchange: “So you’re like, an orange?”

“Yep!”

“That’s… nice.”

“I know, it’s kinda fun, isn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Final Thoughts: Can you imagine dressing up as a piece of fruit? No subtext, no hidden meaning, no nothing.  You’re just fruit. With weird anthropomorphic cartoon hands to boot…

Best Way to Get Shit Thrown at you All Night Award

Perfect for… frat pledges; people looking to argue all night whether it’s called “beer pong” or “Beirut.”

Likely Exchange: “Hey, heads up!”

“Ow! That was a fucking salt shaker this time, dick!”

Final Thoughts: Go as a professional Beirut player, not the fucking table. Put it this way: Would you ever go as a basketball hoop? Of course not. It’d be 10 minutes before you said, “Alright, I’m taking this shit off. I’m tired of everyone tossing stuff in my hoop.”

Most Dated Reference No One Under the Age of 25 Will Understand Award

Perfect for… the older couple in your crew everyone keeps around for some inexplicable reason; people willing to answer questions about how Palm Springs can be so Republican despite having that large a gay population.

Likely Exchange: “You guys are Sonny & Cher? Who the hell is Sonny?”

“He was Cher’s husband. They had their own show in the 60s and 70s. They sang ‘I Got You Babe.’”

“You mean, like, from Groundhog Day? I love that movie!”

“Uh yeah. Us too. We’re fucking old.”

Final Thoughts: Make this Sonny’s ghost and put Cher in her Moonstruck outfit, then you got a costume. You give it a unique spin. Dressing them up in their 60s clothes is pointless.

Best Way To Skimp on a Tux Rental Award

Perfect for… that friend of yours that your wife hates; the dude who wore his Chuck Taylors to prom.

Likely Exchange: “Are you like, Fred Astaire, or something?”

“Nah, dude. I’m Mr. Peanut in human form. ‘Cept I lost my top hat and monocle.”

“Isn’t this the tux you wore to my wedding?”

Final Thoughts: If you’re buying a costume tux, just kill yourself. That’s absurd.

Costume Makers Don’t Realize It Snows Every Halloween in Colorado Award

Perfect for… women who live in warm climates; women who recently healed their cosmetic surgery scars; women with low self-esteem.

Likely Exchange: “You gals want to go to another bar?”

“No, it’s too fucking cold outside!”

“Well, maybe you should have thought of that before getting dressed like theme night at the strip club.”

Final Thoughts: There were about 100 costumes like the ones above on BuyCostumes.com and every year you see some poor group of girls scampering about the city trying to prevent showing their hard little nipples to the entire world and fending off pneumonia. It almost makes you sad. Almost. Then you’re just happy to be hanging out on as close to a porn set as your chubby ass is going to get. God bless Halloween.

Best Way to Indicate You’re a Bottom Without Drinking White Wine Award

Perfect for… gay dudes with nice builds; you. (Ha ha, U R so gay~!!! Pwnd!)

Likely Exchange: “Mmmm, you can come scrub my poop deck anytime, sailor!”

“Thanks, Clay Aiken! I love your music!”

Final Thoughts: This costume is like the male equivalent of all the slutty female ones. The only difference is, I don’t think any woman is experiencing high humidity in her trousers as a result of the photo above. For whatever reason, Halloween doesn’t work that way. And I fucking love that. That’s why my last three costumes have been these nerdarific gems: Baseball Fury from The Warriors, Phillip J. Fry, and Benji Madden from Good Charlotte.

Best Unintentional Foreshadowing of Another CJS Article

Perfect for… you and your two cereal-loving friends assuming you can find Boo Berry and Count Chocula too.

Likely Exchange: “Dude, we look so awesome! And it’s makin’ me hungry for cereal!”

“I know dude. These are our best costumes yet.”

[hot girl enters] “What are you guys? Gay Dracula, gay ghost, and gay pink Frankenstein?”

[group] “Awwwww man!”

Final Thoughts: Come back Thursday for a Halloween Cereal Spectacular! Right here on the Cru Jones Society! Because the Internet can’t be all porn…

Worst Attempt at Sexualizing Something That Can’t Be Sexualized Award

Perfect for… stoners with improbably hot girlfriends and uncanny persuasion skills.

Likely Exchange: “Are you sexy Spongebob?”

“Yeah.”

“Man, they can make anything slutty! Not that you’re a slut, of course. I’m sure you’re very nice. I mean, your legs are already nice. But, what I’m trying to say is that I saw your panties earlier and wanted to tell you to fix your dress. But then you fixed it. And I didn’t want to seem like a creep, so I kept it to myself. Until now, that is. Would you like to go out sometime? No? Ok, I’ll just be over here setting myself on fire.”

Final Thoughts: I am neither a pot smoker nor 11 years old. Hence, I don’t care for Spongebob Squarepants. However, if you can talk your girl into wearing this trampy number, do it up, son!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Perfect for… hee hee, ha ha hahahahaha! What the hell is this?

Likely Exchange: “Hahahahahhahahahaha!”

“What are you laughing at?”

“Hahahahahahahaha… what the hell are you wearing?”

[answer inaudible over boisterous and continued laughter]

Final Thoughts: Hee hee hee… Who would wear this?

Best Opportunity to Almost Die Like Buddy Epsen from Wizard of Oz Award

Perfect for… those who believe they were reincarnated; albinos looking to blend in on Halloween; fans of Steel Magnolias.

Likely Exchange: “I do declare, Mr. Butler! It is hotter than a firecracker in here tonight! It’s a good thing I’m dead.”

“Here’s your Miller Lite. That’ll be $3.50. Anything else?”

“I guess not.”

Final Thoughts: I’ve never understood the fascination with the South. It’s hot, the food is weird, most of the people love NASCAR, and they have a history of ugly racism and violence. What am I missing?

Dumbest Visual Pun Award (Men) / Biggest Douche at the Halloween Party Award

Perfect for… assorted douche bags, meatheads, chauvinists, dickwads, and unfunny ass clowns alike.

Likely Exchange: “You wanna ticket to the biggest show on earth, sweet thing?”

“I hope someone bumps into that stupid thing and snaps your cock off.”

“Fuckin’ lesbian!”

Final Thoughts: Guys who obsess about their package and constantly prattle on about how big it is are often the ones packing a half a pack of Certs down there. If your Halloween costume is nothing more than a device for you to talk about your penis yet again, just go ahead and hang yourself in the bathroom. We’re all very tired of hearing about it by now, thank you. And feel free to take your “Check out the mods on my rice rocket” friend with you.

Oddest Enduring Symbol from the Grunge Era That Just Won’t Die Award

Perfect for… big fans of Blind Melon – both of you.

Likely Exchange: “Are you that bee girl from that Blind Melon video?”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t that guy die?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh… Did you see the game last night?”

Final Thoughts: You may think this was just a regular old bee costume, but you’re wrong. It was one of 3 distinct bee costumes on this particular website and as much as I try, I can’t forget that stupid video. You’re singing that song in your head right, aren’t you. It’s not saa-aane. It’s not saa-aane. Dammit!

Teenage “This IS My Costume. Give Me Some Fuckin’ Candy Already” Award Pt. 2

Perfect for… guys who brag about scoring tons of pussy but don’t; your high school lacrosse team.

Likely Exchange: “Yeah yeah… trick or treat.”

“Weren’t you just here? And your costume is even worse this time!”

“Eat this, old man!” [throws eggs at the kindly old gentleman and runs off to his friend's waiting VW Jetta and speeds away]

Final Thoughts: I’ve really grown to hate witty t-shirts. All of them. And teenagers. I’m aging at an extremely alarming rate.

The Duracell Family Award: Best Way to Creep Everyone the Fuck Out

Perfect for… I have no idea. You’re dressing up as playing cards – the single creepiest depiction of people on the planet outside of “The Hills.”

Likely Exchange: “Are you guys big fans of Primus or something?”

“No, why?”

“Nevermind.”

Final Thoughts: Despite being balls-out creepy and way too colorful for a drinking holiday, I actually find these costumes kind of awesome. Plus, if you play King’s Cup with that guy, you add a whole other dimension to the game. And adding depth to drinking games is one of my lifelong causes. I’m an empty man.

The Ross Geller Memorial “Spud-nik” Award: Dumbest Play on Words

Perfect for… that “clever” guy in your group everyone secretly hates. He’s always telling you old jokes and somehow coming to shit even though no one invited him.

Likely Exchange: “I’m Hellvis. Get it? Elvis from Hell!”

“Ross came as doody?”

Final Thoughts: Least shocking thing about this costume: It’s available only in plus sizes.

How To Make Pregnant Women Even More Annoying Award

Perfect for… pregnant women and that’s it.

Likely Exchange: “It’s a bun in the oven because you may have heard, I have a bun in the oven too!”

“Yeah, I remember that from when you mentioned it 10 minutes ago. And 10 minutes before that as well.”

“Oh that’s right. Did I tell you what we’re thinking of naming it.”

“Yeah. You mentioned that too.”

“Jaden if it’s a boy. Tanner if it’s a girl.”

“Do you know where I can find a gun to stick in my mouth this time of night?”

Final Thoughts: This behavior is not typical of all pregnant women, but of the same women who wouldn’t ever shut the fuck up about their weddings either. If you see a woman wearing this costume, turn and run in the other direction as fast as you can.

Worst Costume Ever Award

Perfect for… honestly, who the hell would buy these? Unless you were really into that SNL debate parody where John McCain referred to Barack Obama as “pee pants over here” and you and a friend want to re-enact that all night, there’s no reason to wear this.

Likely Exchange: “Jesus Christ man! Did you piss yourself already?”

“Nah man, it’s my costume.”

“Why would you ever wear those?”

“If I piss myself later, no one can tell.”

“Dude, I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

Final Thoughts: Seriously reconsider who your friends are if the extent of their creative Halloween ideas is “dude who pissed in his pants.” This guy is an asshole.

Most Needless Costume Award

Perfect for… people that aspire to own fake sporting equipment and clothing.

Likely Exchange: “So, where did you play?”

“Nowhere. This is my costume. I’m a soccer player.”

“Where’d you get this gear from?”

“BuyCostumes.com”

“It’s not even real sports attire?! Ha!”

Final Thoughts: I love the idea of someone buying athletic gear from the costume shop. For the more than $50 you spent on this “costume” and shipping, you could have just traipsed on over to Sports Authority and bought shorts, a nylon shirt, and those gay socks for about that price. And you could have actually used it later for actual, y’know, sports.

Dumbest Visual Pun Award (Women)

Perfect for… women trying too hard to fit in with their predominantly male group of friends; women who love to get groped by drunk pricks.

Likely Exchange: “Niiiiiice costume!”

“Thanks, I think it’s pretty creative.”

“Y’know, I woulda done that job for free all night.”

“You’re the 23^rd guy to tell me that tonight.”

Final Thoughts: Instead of paying for this dumb costume, just ask your girlfriend if you can re-enact that Janet Jackson Rolling Stone cover in the bathroom. That way you don’t have a bunch of drunk idiots coming on to her all night and you get to be the one holding her awesome boobs. Aren’t you glad I’m here?

Best Way to Ensure Your Friends Never Hang Out With You Again

Perfect for… those dopey assholes that lived down the street from you as a kid who wanted to chat you up about your costume while you were trying to fill your pillow case quickly because it was goddamn freezing outside like every Halloween.

Likely Exchange: “Whoop whoop whoop! How ‘bout a little seltzer to the face? Ooooohhhhh!”

[BING! ... BING!]

[thud]

“Goddamn clowns. I need new friends… and some ice for my hand.”

Final Thoughts: With the possible exception of Beetlejuice & Lydia Deetz, Courtney Love & Zombie Kurt Cobain, or Cru Jones & Christian Hollings, couples costumes are almost never a good idea. When you make yourselves two big, goofy clowns wearing enormous pants, you’ll successfully alienate all your friends and cause everyone to question your sanity. No one over the age of six actually likes clowns, so if you show up to Adult Halloween dressed as one prepare for a night full of alienation, mean-spirited snickering, and no invite next year. Wear at your own risk.

Actually, that goes for all costumes. Wear at your own risk. And remember, Halloween only comes around once a year. Don’t be afraid to get crazy. Hell, when else can you hang out with a Baseball Fury and Optimus Prime drinkin a PBR?

edagger@crujonessociety.com