Cru Jones Society

 Halloween will sometimes be a jerk and fall on a weekday. In the past this wouldn’t be a big deal. Now, however, I appear to have grown up and have found a job that requires a daily early morning wake up call. So instead of going out and getting all liquored up I will be forced to stay home and hand candy out to children foolish enough to come around.

I know that once I shut the door after giving them candy they will proceed to mock and judge me based on what I gave them. If you’re like you care what other people, especially people young enough to know what exactly Dora the Explorer does, think of you. Well those cares can be put aside because I am here to tell you what the candy you hand out says about you.

You Hand Out…

Individually wrapped hard candy.

Example

Butterscotches, mints, cinnamon

What It Says About You

You’re old.

While one may occasionally have a mint or butterscotch, presumably because you just came from a restaurant or your grandma’s, only old people have bagfuls. Think about going to your grandparent’s house. Can you recall seeing that dish filled with those golden little candies?

Handing these out is the Halloween version of sitting on the porch and yelling at kids to stay off your property.

You Hand Out…

Full Sized Candy Bars

Example

Really? Do you need an example? It’s a regular sized candy bar, not the “fun size” usually sold around Halloween. The ones sold at gas stations.

What It Says About You

You long for acceptance.

You desperately want to be cool. Your own children have begun to ignore you, probably because your attempts to be cool have embarrassed them one too many times in the carpool. Try to remember that even though they played Woodstock, CCR is not cool.

Instead of seeker the acceptance of other people’s children, try to reconnect with your own, ass.

You Hand Out…

Apples, opened candy

Example

An apple, candy corn in a Ziploc baggie

What It Says About You

You hate children. You crave attention, even if it is from the police. You’re Senor Limon. You are an evil person. This holiday is designed for children and you have some sick vendetta to rid the world of them. You have severe problems. Seek help, honestly, giving kids candy corn? What is your problem?

You Hand Out…

Those little candies that are wrapped like salt water taffy in orange and black wrappers that taste like rotten bone marrow.

Example

Those little candies that are wrapped like salt water taffy in orange and black wrappers that taste like rotten bone marrow.

What It Says About You

You have absolutely no taste. You probably drink Miller High Life because it taste good. Instead of hanging the magnificently detailed work of Da Vinci you would rather the paint splatter of Pollock decorate your walls. Just because your taste curves towards awful, that’s no reason to ruin Halloween for the kids.

You Hand Out…

A toothbrush

Example

A pencil length stick with bristles on one end usually used for teeth cleaning.

What It Says About You

You’re a dentist. The one-day a year children are encouraged to get candy you have to spoil the fun with your dental hygiene tactics. You, like the last two entries, ruin Halloween for many a child. At least you help them to get the rotten bone marrow taste from those little candies that are wrapped like salt water taffy in orange and black wrappers out of their mouth.

You Hand Out…

A big handful of normal candy

Example

Snickers, M&Ms, Skittles

What It Says About You

You were once a kid who enjoyed Halloween. You understand the fun involved on this evening. You want these kids to succeed in filling that pillowcase as full as possible.

Or

You overestimated the number of trick-or-treaters stopping by your house. It’s getting late and your official woman doesn’t want all that candy left around. Your goal then becomes to unload it as quick as possible.

You Hand Out…

Raisins, religious paraphernalia

Example

Sun Made Raisins, The Book Of Mormon

What It Says About You

You don’t approve of the pagan holiday. You believe that you are trying to save the souls of the damned. Raisins are nature’s candy, and not created by the devil to lure children to the dark side. Also you have no sense of humor or fun.

At least these children only come door-to-door one night a year.

You Hand Out…

A carton of eggs and a six pack of beer

Example

A cardboard container of twelve farm fowl embryos and fermented alcoholic liquid in aluminum containment units.

What It Says About You

You’re not form this planet. This is the first experience you have with the holiday and are not familiar with earth customs. Much like every attempt you make to fit in, this draws concern for neighbors and authorities who are too naïve to realize that you’re aliens.

Follow this advice and you should have one less thing the neighborhood kids will mock you about. Get a new car, haircut, better job, hotter wife, exercise, modern wardrobe, and stop being such a loser then maybe they’ll stop mocking all together.

See ya at the creepy house at the end of the cul-de-sac…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com