Cru Jones Society

 

Halloween is the gateway drug of holiday weight gain. The sugary foyer to your mansion of wintry flab. As a kid, you spend Halloween and the following weeks (or week if you were a fat kid) gorging yourself on assorted fun-size candy bars, bags of candy corn, god-awful hard candy, and the Book of Mormon (apparently). As an adult, you do basically the same thing with liquor standing in place of candy. Either way, carbs = happy! And just think, it only serves as the amuse bouche to the gorgefest of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the Super Bowl! Hooray!

Here’s a way to really get a jump start on ruining that summer body of yours and storing up extra padding for the cold winter ahead. Forget limiting your sugar intake to the later hours of the day. That’s amateur hour. Penny-ante. Poppycock. Instead, start your day with these Halloween-themed breakfast treats like a real man (or woman)!

Count Chocula

* The most popular and recognizable of the General Mills monster-themed cereals.

* Instead of craving blood like Dracula, Chocula craves Count Chocula breakfast cereal. (Jesus, how self-involved is this guy?)

* Caused a health scare in the 80s due to ridiculously high sugar content. (Bonus!)

* Will be promoted to Archduke Chocula sometime this millennium according to Futurama.

* Better than Cocoa Krispies or any other chocolate-flavored cereals due to the inclusion of delicious (albeit dry) miniature marshmallows.

* Least pretentious and/or effeminate vampire in history.

* Is the most politically relevant cereal character walking around today.

* Enjoyed by Number Four in Multiplicity right before Three sneaks into the house and nails Doug’s wife. It should be noted that after enjoying some Count Chocula, Four nails her too. The lesson: Chocolatey vampire –> getting pussy.

Frankenberry

* Strawberry-flavored cousin to Count Chocula.

* Looks like the Russian that conned Randy in “My Name Is Earl.” (Eat Frankenberry and con rubes yourself!)

* Obviously comfortable in own sexuality given the abundance of pink in wardrobe.

*Sort of looks like the robot cousin to Sloth from The Goonies.

* Probably equally as dull-witted.

* Due to a peculiar dye used in early version of the cereal, caused children’s stool to turn bright pink and was dubbed “Frankenstool.” (This is the king of all breakfast-related facts. Ever. No more arguments.)

* Captain O’Hagen from Super Troopers still not impressed – something about pink doesn’t equal purple, and lack of rainbow sherbet smell.

Boo Berry

* Blueberry-flavored cousin to big gay robot up there and his Eurotrash, bucktooth vampire friend.

* Bears striking resemblance to late actor Red Buttons.

* Has eluded my purchase for the last four goddamn years. I’ll catch you yet, you straw hat-wearing ghost bastard!

* Desired by E Dagger as of this very writing.

Fruit Brute

* Discontinued in 1983 as a cruel joke on the world.

* Contained lime-flavored marshmallows, which, I don’t know about you, sounds like the most groin-grabbingly awesome combination of flavors since CJS reader Gutter introduced me to the Crown Royal & Ginger Ale.

* Is only available if you’re a character in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

The Rest

* Spooky Froot Loops was my breakfast of choice during my teenage years. In reality, it’s nothing more than regular old Froot Loops with some marshmallows tossed in. Regardless, CJS reader Dzayson and I used to polish off a box on weekend mornings during the hungrier-than-Anne Frank years of puberty. Since it was all sugar, we’d usually burn it off before lunch and head to Jose O’Shea’s for a heaping plate of Mexican food. Awesome. If I did that now, I’d fucking vomit an icky, colorful, sugary mess all over myself.

* Cereals like Honey Nut Cheerios and Trix try to spook it up each year by changing their box, but they’re not fooling anyone. Put some marshmallows in there, and you’ve got something!

* Wait, don’t put any marshmallows in the Honey Nut Cheerios. Those are fine the way they are. Although that spiderweb on his face means there’s a disappointed spider somewhere considering that gigantic bee would have fed that spider and his whole family for a fucking month… or since that Honeybee doesn’t have any elbows, he had to get his spiderweb prison tat on his face. Either way – hardcore, man! Hardcore!

* Wait, again… That’s a bat on the Trix Rabbit’s face. How is he not freaked the hell out right now?

* I stand corrected on the Cocoa Rice Krispies. Please accept my retraction. Enjoy your marshmallows.

* In researching this article, I found there to be no Halloween-themed Pop Tarts. Conducting a Google search for the phrase “Halloween pop tarts” will cause you to question what the hell you’re doing with your life.

* Although, when you see this sweet little girl get dressed up AS a box of Pop Tarts for Halloween,  you feel a little better… Until you realize she’ll grow up to be just like Paula Poundstone. But still, looks sweet as can be in that picture.

* Halloween is definitely the only holiday where you can plan your company’s celebration brunch and say to your Executive Vice President: “Hi, we’re planning on having a brunch, costume contest, and trivia game this year. The catering is already ordered. Can I have petty cash to buy beer and Count Chocula?” and have her not fire you on the spot.

I love this holiday. Enjoy breakfast, kiddos.

Until next year…

edagger@crujonessociety.com