Cru Jones Society

For those of you who don’t keep track of the date today is Halloween. We’re sure you have big plans of getting dressed up, liquored up, and throwing up, much like our friend up there. Well before you began the shenanigans that help ward off the evil spirits, or whatever the origins of this holiday are, enjoy a spooktacular Happy Friday. Don’t like that pun? Fair enough. Perhaps you’ll enjoy the Halloween jokes courtesy of Clive Bannister and James Bridge at Cracked.com that have been peppered throughout this edition of Happy Friday. Like this one:

Q: What do witches put on their hair?

A: SCARE spray.

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Q: What do they put in their vaginas?

A: I have no idea. Bats?

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With the recent economic downturn, holidays that involve mass alcohol consumption usually causes one to stick with cheap drinks such as Miller High Life, Six Schlitz’, or whatever’s free. This usually means wine is out of the question. Well, thanks to bumwines.com you now know that there are inexpensive wine alternatives to beer made in a boot. If you feel that you are above these wines just know that one of them inspired a Guns N’ Roses song.

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Q: Where do baby ghost go during the day?

A: Day-SCARE centers!

Q: Where do unbaptized ghost go?

A: Not Heaven

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While the Bumwines may not be what they were looking for in Sideways, they do manage to stay off this list compiled by Men’s Health. A list that includes “Tea-Like Substance.” This article asked the question: “With beers like Beck’s 64-calorie Premier Light readily available, why throw away 60 calories every time you twist the top?” One word answer: Taste!

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Q: What is Dracula’s car called?

A; It’s a Honda

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We talked a lot about drinking so far. So I feel it necessary, or neces-SCARY, to remind people not to drink and drive. If you do you could end up like these folk and become subjected to spend eternity driving a coffin. By the way, the guy in picture #20 was at Buffalo Bill Days. I don’t think that’s a costume, just every day dress.

It is true that not every drunk driving accident leads to death. One could end up in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. This might stop some people from drinking and driving, not just because they learned a lesson, but also because it would be physically impossible to operate a standard automobile in that condition. Though as this article has taught us that you don’t need a car to get a DUI. You do still have to be from Asia to get a DWO.

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Q: Where do ghost buy their food?

A: At the ghost-ery store

Q: Where do they score their heroin?

A: The park.

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To take a break from Halloween stuff let’s take a look at other important stories from the week. Most notably the main one that will keep us from talking about baseball for a couple months anyway, you’re welcome ladies.

The World Series came to a conclusion this week with the Philadelphia Phillies winning it in five games. The fifth game, from first pitch to last out, took somewhere around fifty hours. This win means a lot not only to the Phillies, but to the city of Philadelphia as well. I will let Jayson Stark tell you about it, since we here at CJS headquarters have become keen on him.

While the better story is always about the winning team, we must not leave the Rays out of this week. They put up a valiant effort, except for that 10-2 game 4. One can’t help to wonder if this had any effect on their game playing.

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Q: Why didn’t the skeleton play football?

A: Because he was probably a homosexual.

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We’ve been talking about Halloween all week here at crujonessociety.com, it was subtle you may have missed it. In doing so Dagger had this terror-ific article about costumes. The following day Cracked.com posted this article. It is essentially the same, but half assed. Cracked recently bragged that they have become better than Mad Magazine with their main point being that Mad released an issue with a very similar cover to a previous issue of Cracked. Well, Cracked, it seems that you have done to CJS what Mad did to you. Thus proving that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. That’s right Cracked I called you a gander. Point goes to CJS. Cracked did have this gem of creepy ass costumes from Germany.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

A: Nothing – that would be physically and theoretically impossible.

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This Halloween week has been void of horror movies, at least here at CJS. EW online however has got our back. I know EW is not high on the charts for journalistic merit, but one thing they love to do is make list. So here is their list of the 20 scariest movies.

SPOILER ALERT: Glitter didn’t make it.

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Q: Where do ghost mail their letters?

A: At the ghost-office

Q: Shouldn’t they use the post office?

A: They find it unreliable.

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The Presidential Election is on Tuesday and not much is scarier than the wrong guy winning (staying neutral, like Switzerland). I use the qualifier not much else is scarier because you could live in Alabama, and it’s not scary for Deliverance like qualities, well it is, but it’s also scary because this man has opted to run for governor. I’m not sure whom to blame for this trend, Arnold or Reagan.

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Q: How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?

A: When she fucks all the wizards to boost her self esteem.

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Aside from a face that would make for a good mask, Prince Charles doesn’t have much of a connection to Halloween. Oh except that he is a distant relative of Dracula. Prince of Darkness, Prince of England, it makes sense. It also explains why the UK has a high rate of death caused by punctured jugular veins.

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Q: When does a ghost have breakfast?

A: In the moaning

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There is no doubt that Halloween is all about having fun and having a good time. As long as you’re not hurting anyone then I saw do as you please. Some people, however, let a little yard decoration get their panties in a bunch. It’s one month. He doesn’t bust your balls over that creepy gnome that hangs out all year in your yard. If you’re going to be pissed about something, let it be something that warrants being pissed. Something like this:

Q: When did the ghost fuck your mother?

A: That was uncalled for.

Q: Haw haw haw!

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Demotivator Time

See ya at the cemetery gates…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com