Cru Jones Society

Back in May, I wrote this:

“I am a phone call away from ordering Showtime just so I can watch Season 2 of “Dexter” On Demand before Season 3 starts. The Internet serves as my perennial bamboo shoots under the fingernails as I resist on an hourly basis spoiling the whole goddamn series for myself. I want to see how the series unfolds that badly. I endlessly wonder about the fate of the Ice Truck Killer. I ponder if Dexter can adhere to the Code of Harry. I contemplate how long he can keep this up. I’m losing my mind… I’ll have a more thorough breakdown of this series once I’ve digested more of it. If I were to write it now, it would be nothing more than drooling fanboy fellatio.”

Well, I’ve digested all I can digest without reading spoilers, so it’s time we re-visit my favorite show on television. Welcome to the wonderful world of Dexter. Please come in. I cannot, however, make any promises about avoiding drooling fanboy fellatio…

When last we left E Dagger on the Cru Jones Society, he was “practically tearing the leather off [his] office chair armrests waiting for [the season 1 finale].” Well, a lot’s happened in the last six months. I saw the Season 1 finale, and it did not disappoint. Suspense, tension, twists and turns, and the chick who plays Deb Morgan bound to a table via plastic wrap completely naked – what else could you possibly want from a finale?

I then received Season 2 as a gift from Lady E on my birthday and promptly left for San Diego the next day without watching a single episode. Remember when you were a kid and your mom or dad would take you to the video game store (in my case, Buy Back Games), you’d get a new game, and then sit anxious as hell during the car ride home dying to play it. Remember how that  car ride home was always the LONGEST car ride of your life and invariably your mom would stop at the goddamn grocery store delaying things even further? Yeah, that’s what happened to me on my birthday. I was tempted to blow off work and just sit at home and bang out a few episodes before my flight to California, but I remembered I’m not seven years old and have self-control.

Regardless, at fleeting times during our trip I found myself getting that aching sensation I used to get on the video game car rides. I was dying to watch Dexter, but had to occupy my thoughts with fun, booze, and horse races. I know, I know – woe is me.

Anyway, I finally got home and Lady E and I pounded out the second season in about a week. Like the first season, this one was chock full of panic attack-inducing goodness. And when our cable contract was up last month, I let Lady E sweet talk the guy on the other end into cutting our bill in half and giving us Showtime for Arabian flea market cheap (I hate negotiating, and she plays the sweet-but-clueless girl role to perfection on the phone, it’s beautiful). So needless to say, we’re balls deep in Season 3, and Sundays can’t come soon enough.

The brilliance of “Dexter” is that you never know what the show will throw at you next. It keeps you on the edge of your seat without using cheap thrills or disappointing the piss out of you. At the end of each episode they show clips from the next one. If you’ve ever watched a reality show on a fairly consistent basis, you know these teasers often wildly and misleadingly raise your hopes for the next episode. Someone will say something like, “The game has changed for good, and none of us will ever be the same again.” Nine times out of ten, that quote is taken grossly out of context and has absolutely zero bearing on what you’ll actually see. With Dexter, each episode ends and I feel a great sense of relief that I made it through another one and our hero is safe again for now. Then the teasers show up, and I’m back to being Captain Anxious O’Houlihan with a heart rate like a coked-up rabbit.

And that’s a good thing!

This is the only show that has never let me down in terms of sheer entertainment value. I like to think of myself as a pretty savvy media consumer. I mean, I have a Master’s Degree in media studies – I should have at least an elementary handle on basic plot construction and narrative techniques. But this is one show I’ve never been able to figure out. It keeps me guessing every step of the way.

For instance, this season Dexter goes after a murderous drug dealer nicknamed “Freebo” in the first episode and mistakenly kills Oscar Prado, little brother to Assistant District Attorney, Miguel Prado. Naturally, since it occurred at Freebo’s place, Freebo gets blamed and cops begin a manhunt for him. That’s to be expected. What’s not expected is Dexter’s evolving entanglement with Miguel, the man whose brother he has just murdered, and a man that could potentially fuck up Dexter’s world eight ways from Sunday. The two amazingly become friends and begin a relationship so compelling, so provocative, and so complicated, I dare not spoil it for you here should you ever choose to discover this wonderful series for yourself.

I realize I made Dexter and Miguel’s relationship sound extraordinarily gay, and I apologize. That was not my intention. To give you a handle on how this plot is constructed, I think it’s easiest to give you two comparisons – what it’s not like, and what it’s like.

What it’s not like: Remember that movie Wild Things? It had that badass three way sex scene with Matt Dillon, Denise Richards, and Neve Campbell, about ten good minutes of Bill Murray scenes, Kevin Bacon’s dong, and enough plot twists to fill several months of soap opera storylines. I do. I saw it opening night (ostensibly for Denise Richards’ tits, I admit) and remember walking away thinking it was one of the dumbest thrillers I’d ever seen. Why? Too many fucking plot twists. You screw with the audience too many times, you lose all your believability, and the audience mentally checks out. By the end, I didn’t give a crap who did what to who because I needed a fucking flow chart to keep track. This is not what “Dexter” is.

What it’s like: Remember watching “Seinfeld” and being amazed the way Larry David and the other writers tied up the “A” story and the “B” story at the end in a creative and humorous way? Like how Kramer spent his days hitting golf balls into the ocean while George lied to a woman about being an oceanographer, and that leading to George dislodging a golf ball from a whale’s blowhole and becoming a hero to everyone on the beach? Damn near every episode featured something like that where something seemingly inconsequential happened near the beginning (Kramer’s ocean driving range) and then came back around and sucker punched you at the end resulting in a big laugh (the blow hole story).

That’s Dexter right there, baby. I like to call it “no wasted motion.” Nothing just happens on this show, it either means something in the moment, or, more likely, will mean something in the future. This show is the television equivalent of watching Ryne Sandberg play second base – elegant, creative, devastating.

I’d love to discuss specifics with you, but I made a promise not to spoil this show for you. My hope is to sufficiently whet your appetite to entice you to check out the show yourself. With that in mind, here’s a primer for a handful of the characters you need to know before you get started:

Dexter Morgan: Our protagonist and hero. Provider of humorous and ironically-detached narration. Kills those who fall through the cracks of the justice system. Has girlfriend (Rita). Blood spatter analyst for Miami Metro Police Department. Bringer of donuts. Claims to feel empty inside (his dark passenger), yet has great affection for his father, sister, girlfriend, girlfriend’s kids, and Camilla the lady who works in records that knew his father.

Debra Morgan: Dexter’s adoptive sister. Also works for Miami Metro P.D. Well-intentioned, but clueless in terms of deciphering subtlety. Has funniest vocabulary for a woman (e.g. calling Dexter “dildo”). Decent cop, shitty at relationships.

Rita: Dexter’s girlfriend with two kids. Divorced from drug addict loser. Has tendency to do that annoying, whiny “breathless whisper Anna Faris voice” too much. Breast implants a-go-go! Loves Dexter. Loves her children.

Det. Sgt. Angel Batista: Good natured cop. Friend to Dexter. Divorcee who regrets committing adultery and throwing his family away for a few cheap nights with hookers. Wears awesome hat.

Vince Masuka: Wormy Asian forensics guy in the department. Makes horrifically inappropriate comments and jokes (e.g. “Well, that’s science. And science is a cruel mistress wearing a 14″ strap-on.”). Good at what he does. Considers Dexter a friend. Never gets any pussy despite claiming otherwise.

And that’s just a small snapshot. This show is sharp, disturbing, funny, thoughtful, vicious, amusing, unsettling, graphic, unnerving, sentimental, and about 100 other adjectives too numerous to name here. In short, it’s everything you’ve ever felt condensed into one hour. I realize it sounds like I’m pleading with you to start watching it; I’m not. I’m just telling you why I watch it.

For my money, there’s no better show on television. Besides, if you don’t watch it, I’ll send Dexter with his bag of tools to convince you otherwise.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com