Rosie the Riverter is a muslim

Yesterday was Election Day, but you already knew that. And if you came here for any election news then you are shit out of luck. I’m no political expert, nor do I play one on T.V. Besides there are probably several dozen websites covering the new President and other election related topics, sites like this one, or this one, and for our younger readers: Myspace.

So instead of half assed information on something important, I will be supplying half informed opinion on something trivial. So I present for your reading pleasure, or at least distraction, the five most popular bands to come from Colorado, and why I hate them.

Guess what kind of music we play 

Five Iron Frenzy

From: Denver

Formed: 1995

Five Iron Frenzy, or FIF, was a ska band, a Christian ska band. They became popular around the same time as most ska bands did, the last few years of the 90′s. Again like most ska bands, became unpopular in the first couple years of the 00′s. In 2003 they called it quits.

Why I Hate Them:

FIF played ska music, the most fun genre of music there is. Ska stops being fun when there is a constant reminder of a dude nailed to a cross. Using music to get a message out is fine, but if you’re going to play fun and somewhat wacky music, like ska, I expect songs about the WWF, beer, or an Abba cover.

Most Useless Information From Wikipedia:

“…on one tour the entire band wore Star Trek uniforms.”

 Thanks for making it easy to Google your band

All

From: Fort Collins

Formed: 1987

All is a punk rock band. Technically they’re from California, but relocated to Fort Collins so I’ll allow it. All consists of former members of the punk band Descendents, sans vocalist Milo Aukerman.

Why I Hate Them:

The Descendents are a good band. The main reason for this is Milo Aukerman. The one band member All was missing. This is a kin to The Beatles replacing Paul and naming their band something stupid.

Most Useless Information From Wikipedia:

“The band lived in a small office complex (as referenced in the Scott Reynolds-penned song ‘Box’)”

 “As far back as I can remember I always wantd to be Wu Tang”

Flobots

From: Denver

Formed: 2000

The Flobots are a rap act that, I believe, is set out to prove that ridiculous rap music is not just confined to the east coast, west coast, dirty south, and Cleveland.

Why I Hate Them:

Their first big hit, Handlebars, is annoying, gets stuck in my head, and reminds me of Weird Al’s last hit White And Nerdy. Also I don’t know what the hell half of Handlebars is about. Now I’m sure I’ll be singing it for the rest of the week. Dammit!

Most Useless Information From Wikipedia:

“Though the official name of the band is Flobots, they are often referred to as The Flobots, sometimes even by the band members themselves.”

 Oh how I hate you

3OH!3

From: Boulder

Formed: 2004

3OH!3 is on the same mission as Flobots (I guess that Wikipedia information wasn’t that useless since I remembered not to add the word “the” before Flobots). That mission is to prove Colorado can produce awful rap music with the best (worst?) of them. 3OH!3 is one of two bands on this list to confirm that Boulder is home not only to hippies, but also to awful musicians.

Why I Hate Them:

Their first hit, Don’t Trust Me, attempts to blend too many music genres and winds up sounding awful. To make the song sound worse they use this hook: Sush girl/shut your lips/do the Helen Keller/and talk with your hips. Which will now be stuck in my head. On the plus side, I no longer have that Flobot’s song in my head. Also they’re from Boulder, and that place sucks.

Most Useless Information From Wikipedia:

“3OH!3 (Pronounced Three Oh Three)”

 Tools

Big Head Todd and the Monsters

From: Boulder

Formed: 1986

Big Head Todd and the Monsters, often referred to (by Dagger) as Big Hot Turd in the Dumpster, played crappy college radio rock back when crappy college radio rock was just being discovered by pretentious college music snobs. 22 years later Big Hot Turd is still playing crappy college radio rock to pretentious college music snobs as well as graduated college music snobs.

Why I Hate Them:

Because they play crappy college radio rock, they’re from Boulder (see above), and they suck! Also I always confuse them with Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Most Useless Information From Wikipedia:

“BHT toured in the summer of 2008. Here is a link to the sound check before their show at the Dallas House of Blues http://cbs11tv.com/video/?id=28790@ktvt.dayport.com

Despite what this article may lead you to believe, I am a huge proponent of supporting local music. I just feel it’s important to support quality music. So if you’re looking for good Colorado bands try 12 Cents For Marvin, Knee Jerk, A Void, Vices I Admire. Hell you could even give the last two Rise Against albums a try, they were recorded in Fort Collins. But please stop helping crappy bands become more popular and pollute the airwaves.

See ya at Wax Trax…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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