Cru Jones Society

 

Ill-advised bets, non-sensical ski races, absurd races of any type (rollerblade, foot, horse), insane attempts to find love, arm wrestling… that’s what I’m interested in.

Welcome to Ridiculous Movie Competitions. E Dagger here to take you through the next two weeks to examine no less than 14 movies that feature some sort of glaringly bizarre competition sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of them. How can a movie built around a grandfather and a grandson switching bodies end in a climactic foot race? How should an awkward youth take on his bullies? Why, with point fighting, of course! And who are those gangs getting ready to rumble on the corner? And why do they seem to be doing jazz tap?

We’ll get to all of them, and much more. So sit back, make a bizarre wager with a co-worker or friend (failing that – yours or a friend’s penis), and let’s get to the competitions. First up: West Side Story and The Karate Kid.

West Side Story

Let’s get the easy one out of the way. If this movie didn’t come up in the front of your brain when I introduced the topic, get a new brain. Or be more gay, I guess. But don’t worry, we won’t be on this one for long.

I’ve never seen this movie all the way through, but I know enough to know that the plot centers around two New York street gangs that dance and do jazz tap at each other instead of fight. Read that sentence again and you’ll understand why I’ve never seen this movie all the way through. This premise is too annoyingly absurd even for me. And when you read the rest of this list, the gravity of that statement will become all the more lucid.

You can pretty much lump every Michael Jackson video ever made under this category as well. And I’m assuming “Stomp the Yard” falls under this umbrella too.

I don’t know, I’ve never been a fan of musicals in general, but it’s even more offensive to me when the plot focuses on gang violence that manifests in assertive dance steps. I can’t believe this movie won an Oscar for best picture.

RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: Turn-step-point-step-turn-step-step-jazz hands-and thumbs way down!!! Chaaaa!

The Karate Kid

I know what you’re thinking. This is a movie about a wimpy-yet-defiant kid who befriends an old Japanese guy as they connect over the majesty of karate instruction and he overcomes the bullies who beat him up at every turn. It’s called “The Karate Kid,” it ends with karate, what’s the problem here?

While these assertions are all true (and as I presume to put words in your mouth), the idea that the Cobra Kai would have such unyielding devotion to the instructions of their karate sensei is ludicrous. I have never taken karate myself, but it’s hard for me to imagine just accepting this authority so blindly and unquestioningly. It’s not a teacher. It’s not your parents. It’s not even a distant family member. It’s sort of a coach, but outside of the designated sport, I don’t I could tell you one thing any of my coaches ever said to me. I sat here for a good five minutes and couldn’t come up with a congruent scenario with which to compare the Cobra Kai listening to Sensai Kreese.

Earlier in the movie the Cobra Kai take turns beating the holy hell out of Daniel climaxing when Mr. Miyagi saves Daniel from a sure-to-be-lethal frontkick from Johnny. He then proceeds to dismantle them with his mad karate skills. My favorite part is when he steps on Dutch’s nuts.

Anyway, we’re supposed to believe that these guys have the restraint to wait for a point fighting tournament when not one night before they were prepared to watch Daniel get his head kicked off Mortal Kombat-style? I call shenanigans.

The tournament rolls around and Daniel systematically takes out each member of the Cobra Kai. This is fortunate tournament seeding because if this were the NBA, Daniel would fight Johnny in the semi-finals like San Antonio and Phoenix do every year. Same thing happens in the NFL when New England plays the Colts in the AFC Championship and the winner goes on to obliterate whichever junior varsity team advances from the NFC. The finals would then be anti-climactic as hell when Daniel beats that Asian guy who would almost definitely destroy every actor in the movie in real life.

Regardless, Tommy goes down with a punch to the chest. Dutch falls after making an ill-advised charge at Daniel who dispatches him with a well-placed sidekick. Bobby gets disqualified for illegally targeting Daniel’s knee and falls to the ground to apologize like the sensitive weenie he is. Daniel makes the improbable comeback for the memorable fight against Johnny and wins with the ridiculous crane kick.

Besides the blind loyalty of the Cobra Kai, the most unbelievable thing about this scene is how the stands at the tournament are absolutely PACKED. This isn’t something I realized until I heard Bill Simmons discussing it on Adam Carolla’s radio show, so I’m borrowing from their discussion a bit.

We’re talking about a city that couldn’t hold an NFL franchise, but they’re breaking the doors down trying to get into a point fighting tournament contested by local high school kids. Ok then. Granted, the scene would have been lacking somewhat if it had just been Alli with an I, Mrs. Larusso, Freddie Fernandez and the parents of the other kids, but still.

The fact that this movie ends with our hero triumphantly winning a tournament rather than breaking Johnny’s nose in a duke-it-out tough guy streetfight leaves something lacking. Don’t get me wrong, this is a beautiful movie, and one of my favorites, but it’s believability factor is relatively low.

RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: Thumbs charmingly up!

Quasi-related note #1: I always thought Karate Kid 4 should have been Chosen-san coming to America from Okinawa to avenge his honor and teaming up with Mike Barnes (Karate’s Bad Boy!) to end Daniel’s life. Just when it looks like Daniel is through, Johnny emerges from nowhere to kick the crap out of both of them and save Daniel’s ass. The rest of the movie would see the four of them duke it out tag team style eventually finishing the villains with a crane kick/legsweep combo. They’d then go and eat Kix with Cru Jones and Bart Taylor who just happened to be riding by on their bikes. This would be the best movie ever made.

Quasi-related note #2: If you haven’t seen “Sweep the Leg” the music video by No More Kings, you haven’t lived a full life. Go here and watch it right now. It’s not only directed by Billy Zabka himself, it’s got Dennis Haskins in it. You know Dennis Haskins – that’s right, Mr. Belding! Like I said, watch it now. I’ve got all day until I post the next one.

Tomorrow: Skiing and more skiing!

edagger@crujonessociety.com