RMC Part 2: Ski Patrol & Better Off Dead
With ski season rapidly descending upon us, let’s take a look at two of the finer skiing movies ever made coming from someone other than Warren Miller. Of course a list of the best ski movies would only include Out Cold, the Ski School series just for its gratuitous use of naked boobs, and the immortal Hot Dog: The Movie! So, um, let’s look at half of the best ski movies ever made!
Ski Patrol
The ridiculous competition comes right away in this one. In fact, it’s the very first scene of the movie, which is great because if nuance and discovery ain’t your thing, this movie makes with the exposition right from the get go. We’re clearly at the top of the mountain as we see Lance ski into the frame. He’s wearing a perfectly fitted, painfully matched Spyder ski suit below his bleached and blow-dried mane. The only thing missing is a big sign around his neck that says, “I’m a douche bag” – not that it’s needed.
Next we see Jerry Kramer ski in wearing his early-90s wacky, non-matching, neon, nylon ski clothes immediately signaling to us that he’s an offbeat fella we can trust. Lance gets the honor of first line and fires off a doozy: “Kramer, Snowy Peaks isn’t big enough for the both of us.” They have a bizarre game of oneupsmanship with the way the zip and unzip their coats as well as a cigar and a candy cane (Don’t ask) before the inevitable ski race commences.
They take off down the hill, and there’s essentially your movie. If you can’t figure out in a general sense where this movie is headed, you have no business reading this. They finish at the same time at the bottom of the hill where Lance says, “We’ll meet again, Kramer.” To which Jerry responds, “Oh gee I can’t wait. It’s always such a pleasure skiing with you, Lance.”
The movie sees an evil developer (played with gusto by Martin Mull) use Lance and his other ski school lackeys to sabotage Jerry and the ski patrollers in their attempts to renew their safety license. They eventually succeed, but the goofy yet good-hearted patrollers (which includes a young George Lopez doing a KILLER Spanish Rodney Dangerfield impression at one point in the movie) are hip to the chicanery and foil the plan.
The only thing missing is to settle the score between Jerry and Lance in a big ski race. Somehow they get connected via a piece of elastic, so they’re forced to try and out-ski each other – WHILE CONNECTED! Jerry eventually gets the better of Lance and our hero stands triumphant while our villain ends up on his back covered in snow. This his how every movie should end – full circle, baby!
RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: Two very enthusiastic thumbs up!
Better Off Dead
This is one of those movies I’ve never seen and I don’t know why. I’ve seen “18 Again” about 50 times, but never this one. If ever there were template that reflected the thesis of this article, this movie would be it.
Even though I’ve never seen the movie, I felt compelled to include it based on the absolutely brilliant episode of South Park that spoofs it. Remember that episode? There’s almost too much good stuff to include: “French fries. Pizza. French fries. Pizza.” “Stan Daaaaarrrsh!” “Oh, I just showed him these – ‘Quaid, start the reactor.’” I’m laughing just typing that. Seriously, see this episode. Do it now.
I also urge you to check out the Wikipedia entry on this film because it’s description portrays the movie as delightfully insane – which it ought to be given just how nuts the South Park making fun of it was.
My favorite part is the last paragraph: “The climactic scene involves a ski competition against the ski jock Roy Stalin on a treacherous slope called the K-12. As the two rivals race, a persistent paperboy pursues Cusack, repeating that he wants his two dollars (spawning the catchphrase, “I want my two dollars!” which has become more well-known than the film itself). As Lane races down the mountain on one ski, he overcomes a life gone downhill to find happiness.”
Delicious. I’m renting this as soon as possible. I’ll report the results to you as soon as I have them.
RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: Pending.
Tomorrow: Someone stole the leads! And why does that horse sound like John Candy?
11 Nov 2008 E Dagger