Cru Jones Society

Of all the entries on the list, I’m willing to bet these two films have the lowest combined viewing total. Don’t let that deter you from reading though – these movies settle their respective scores with a climactic race! That’s right, if you’re pissed off at someone, don’t settle things violently. Settle it with either a good old fashioned foot race or strap on your skates on brave the most daunting hill in town! What could be better?

Airborne

Mitchell Goosen is your typical California kid. Or maybe he’s a typical California kid as seen through the eyes of a Sunny D commercial. He and his friend strap on their fruit boots and skate down to the beach where they shred waves (or whatever the correct dumbass surfer slang is) and Mitchell wears brightly colored surfer gear to match his “Chill, brah” attitude and wavy early 90s hairstyle. For some reason that’s not really adequately explored, he has to move to Cincinnati to live with his aunt and uncle and their son. They’re played by Mr. Rooney’s secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Mr. Dewey from “Saved by the Bell,” and Seth Green, who, despite this taking place in 1993, looks exactly the same as he does today.

His laidback, Gandhi-inspired attitude rubs everyone in Cincinnati the wrong way as Mitchell seems destined to get the crap kicked out of him by some guys in skeleton costumes a la Daniel LaRusso pronto. Fortunately for him, he’s a kickass skater and endears himself to the hockey team after overcoming a long series of plot contrivances involving a trifling woman. He joins forces with the hockey team to take on the preps in a race down the most dangerous hill in town: Devil’s Backbone. First team with three guys across the finish line wins.

I love when rivaling factions settle their differences with a race. It’s just such a delightfully innocent notion.

“I hate you!”

“I hate you too!”

“Let’s settle this once and for all!”

“Yeah, let’s have a race on our rollerblades!”

“You got it! I’m gonna kick your fuckin’… Wait, what?”

Silliness aside, the race is fucking spectacular. They zoom down a legitimately intimidating course, weave in and out of traffic, race down stairs, and end up at Riverfront Stadium in downtown Cincinnati. Needless to say, Mitchell defies the odds, overcomes some cheapshots, and gives the villain his comeuppance en route to victory where a nice warm kiss awaits from the female protagonist.

The race, like all the scenes of rollerblading in this movie, is filmed brilliantly. The story isn’t much to shake a stick at (despite a few genuinely funny moments), but the skating sequences are amazing. Whoever made this film knew what people who skate want to see. Great tricks, awesome street sessions, and no skateboarders standing around after not landing yet another trick calling you a fag. What else can you ask for?

Well, I’m glad you asked. In addition to the kickass inline skating, and enjoying the work of a young Seth Green, you get to also marvel at the work of a young Jack Black. He barely even looks like himself and plays a somewhat shy meathead hockey goalie. It’s sort of unnerving. He’s all clean cut and fresh faced. He wears flannel shirts and has really short hair. He doesn’t seem to give a shit about metal. Who is this young fella? It’s like watching a deer trying to learn how to walk. Were it not for the awesome rollerblading, this movie might merit a viewing based on young Seth Green and young Jack Black alone.

RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: Thumbs way up, brah! Rad is the gold standard of bike movies. Dogtown and Z-Boys is it for skateboarding. And I suppose this is it for fruit booting. You might make an argument for Hackers, but all the computer shit in that movie is so outdated, it’s distracting. Exhilarating skate scenes, campy early-90s dialogue, and two young stars looking doe-eyed into the camera make this an easy recommendation.

18 Again

Here’s a movie that I feel like no one’s seen but me. It stars George Burns and Charlie Schlatter (who went on to play Ferris Bueller in the crappy television spin-off of the movie) as a grandfather and grandson who trade bodies after a car accident. This movie was obviously a product of the mid-to-late 80s when movies like this were hot properties. The late 90s saw the rebirth of the slasher film; this time period saw weird movies like “Vice Versa,” “Like Father, Like Son,” and “Big” take center stage. This one is probably the least remembered and least popular of the body-switching genre.

The main problem with this movie is that you’d think when you have George Burns as one of the main characters, he should probably get the lion’s share of the screen time since he’s a comedy legend and all that. But you’d be wrong. What we get instead is Charlie Schlatter doing a marginal George Burns impression during the vast majority of the movie.

The plot breaks down like this: David (Schlatter) is a shy college freshman who would rather paint murals than get a degree in accounting like his father wants. He also runs track just like his champion grandfather did. Jack (Burns) is an 80 year-old pussy hound who is as rich as Scrooge McDuck from owning a large company that manufactures dials (like the one on your oven, I think, I don’t know, it’s never adequately explored).  They trade places, Burns spends 75% of the movie in a coma and Schlatter (now acting as Jack) hits on David’s woman and annoys Red Buttons (Boo Berry). Pauly Shore is in this movie too, which should be a dead giveaway about what we’re in for, but it’s before he became “The Weasel.” Although his character in the movie is named “Ferret.” Go figure.

He confronts David’s rival (both within his fraternity and on the track team) at a poker game and the two get into a pissing contest over one hand. The bet reaches $1,000 and they decide that the cards don’t matter and they’ll settle this at the big upcoming track meet. Since Jack’s mind and soul now inhabit David’s body, he’s become a much better runner.

However, the day before the big race Jack and David end up switching back into their original bodies, which does not bode well for David’s chances, seeing as he’s a complete candyass and all. However, with some inspirational words from the now awake George Burns and a special pair of shoes, David runs the race of his life and takes down his rival in a stunning victory. The now humbled rival places a big wad of sweaty money in his hand (say that like Jack Nicholson) and David can’t understand why. He gets the girl, he’s a track champion, and his grandfather has laid the groundwork for him to pursue his art career with Pauly Shore. All while he was basically in a coma.

Never underestimate the power of a track and field race, I guess.

RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: Neutral. This is such a bizarre movie to begin with, the climactic footrace neither adds nor subtracts from the overall experience.

Tomorrow: RMC wraps up with poker. Poker? I hardly knew her…

edagger@crujonessociety.com