Cru Jones Society

Like all good things, even Ridiculous Movie Competitions must come to an end. It’s been a hell of a ride filled with mediocre and subpar movies over the last two weeks, so I thought we’d end with one nearly everyone I know likes. You may be wondering how this one fits the criteria, but that’s easily answered by clicking the little link to your right. Come on inside as we wrap up this 8-part feature.

I actually hesitated about whether or not to include this movie. Rounders centers around Mike McDermott played by Matt Damon who loses everything in one hand of poker causing him to go straight and take a no-gambling oath. He enrolls in law school where he hooks up with a hot but stifling bitch played by Gretchen Mol. After his old running buddy Worm, played with terrific self-destructive smarm by Edward Norton, gets paroled from prison, Mike finds himself back in the poker world losing his wet blanket girlfriend in the process.

His luck turns shitty again when after a series of horrible decisions by Worm, Mike owes $15,000 to the most feared KGB guy in the inner circle of poker. He manages to borrow $10,000 from his kindly old Jewish law professor and offers to play Teddy KGB for the remaining $5,000. Let’s not forget that it was against KGB that Mike lost everything at the beginning of the movie.

This all seems reasonable enough until you realize that if Mike loses the $10,000, he’s not only fucked the kindly old guy out of a shitload of money, he loses his life. KGB will kill him as Russian outfit guys are not known for their compassion. This isn’t even where I have the problem, and this plot is already pretty far-fetched. Far-fetched as it is, it still makes sense in the context of everything we’ve seen up to this point. We as viewers know that Mike can’t make that kind of money in the 8 hours he has to pay off the debt without playing KGB, and we know that Mike is almost certainly due some redemption against the mobster thanks to the beginning of the movie.

Mike puts his $10,000 on the line against Teddy’s $10,000 and wins. He’s now square on his debt and half way back to repaying his professor. However, Teddy, ever the sly boots, goads Mike into letting his $20,000 ride against Teddy one more time to try and extract retribution for his early failure. This is my problem.

Mike, a true prideful asshole lets his hubris get the better of him and falls for it. If this were real life, Professor Hanukkah would be having a bitch of a time explaining to his wife how he lost ten grand and Mike would be getting a good view of the bottom of the Hudson River.

But… due to the magic of the cinema, Mike gets down to his last couple stacks of chips, makes the improbable comeback and humbles the ruthless Russian mobster. And then to really hammer home how much this could never happen in real life, Mike proceeds to taunt the fallen Russki. I just want to make sure this is clear to everyone: Mike has taken at least $30,000 off Teddy KGB – the guy who not 8 hours earlier was going to kill him – and this is apparently not enough. Mike feels the need to kick dirt in the guy’s face, in his own club no less. Teddy stands there and takes it, pays Mike his money, and lets him leave unscathed. In the deleted scenes of this movie, I think Mike walks outside where a spaceship lands and the cast of “Bring It On” gets out and breaks into an orgy while Jimi Hendrix comes back to life, plays Voodoo Chile on his axe and shoots $100 bills out of it.

I mean, really?! The movie makers have the audacity to assume that we’ll swallow a sudden change of heart from a guy we’re led to believe throughout the movie will kill you for looking at him crosswise suddenly is overcome by the nobility of well-played Texas Hold ‘Em? That’s a bold assumption.

Well, truth be told, I bought it. The whole movie is so well-constructed that I didn’t think twice about it until I started compiling movies for this article. I just hope this doesn’t affect the way I watch the movie in the future. I doubt that it will since this is one of the easiest movies to get sucked into. But it’s still worth mentioning since I suspect none of us has the audacity to essentially wiggle our dicks at a mobster in his own club. Kudos to you, Mike McD!

RIDICULOUS COMPETITION RULING: This might be the most implausible moment of competition on this list, but it’s oddly one of the most satisfying. Great performances, outstanding drama build, and excellent dialogue. Thumbs way up!

edagger@crujonessociety.com