Cru Jones Society

This man above is known as Johnny Canuck. He is Canada’s answer to the United States’ Uncle Sam. Remember when the cast of Saved By The Bell worked at the Malibu Sands and Screech was asked to play Uncle Sam for the 4^th of July bash and he showed up dressed as his uncle Sam? It’s nothing like that. What were we talking about? Ah forget it. Read on for the usual Friday links.

*

My love of hockey has been well established here at CJS so we should start this off with a hockey related story. Barry Melrose is well known mostly for his time on SportsCenter as a hockey analyst, and his awful looking suits. During the off-season he was hired as the head coach of the Tampa Bay Lightening. After only 16 games he was fired. Good luck trying to be a successful hockey analyst now. “Oh is that what you think Barry? Was that what you told the Lightening players to do? Is that what got you fired so quickly? Where did you get your suit? The toilet store?” Well Barry, good luck.

*

Last week we experienced the awesomeness that is a Rise Against show. While we won’t argue that they can melt faces what we often forget is that they are fans of music. We often forget that about many of the musicians we idolize. So it’s no wonder why we enjoy list like this where they tell us the albums they love and inspire them. I also dig this list because the give The Who the proper respect.

*

Often it’s celebrities who have stupid names for their children (read: Pilot Inspektor Lee). Then you meet a family like this. Then later in the day you’re check the same website that brought you that story, maybe you want the local forecast, and you find another story about the same family. A story that makes you think twice about the first story. A story that makes you think that the family is a bunch a phonies. Then you start to question the credibility of the news source and then you realize how your class applies to the real world. But still, in the end it’s a stupid family wasting everyone’s time.

*

We often quote SLC Punk around here, it’ll happen later in this article, and with good cause. SLC Punk is a fantastic flick, unlike Mike. At one point Matthew Lillard’s character has a huge blue Mohawk. While it is impressive it really has nothing on this man. And kudos to him for donating his hair to Locks Of Love.

*

There’s nothing like a hate group getting what they deserve. Usually it’s just something minor like them having to clean up the Rosa Parks Expressway that they adopted. Sometimes we get lucky and they have to pay a shit ton for being douche bags. Assholes. Maybe you can have a bake sale at the next Klan meeting. Assholes.

*

Set it and forget it!

*

Since we’re on the subject on race here are some thoughts on how the President elect will change race in comedy. While they do have some good points I can only rebuttal with the most advanced piece of racial comedy I know about.

*

I’m not sure if it has been mentioned here at CJS, but The Sandlot is a great baseball movie. The scene where the fat kid from Son in Law is exchanging insults with the preppy ball player is one of our favorites. At one point the fat kid says, “You play ball like a girl.” That particular insult loses some effect when you read a story like this. Another thanks to Japan for ruining our jokes. We don’t what that means. They have never ruined our jokes before this. We apologize Japan. And we look forward to playing you and your team of girls in international play. Ha ha. We would now like to apologize to our female audience. You can do everything men can do. Usually better than men can. Please keep reading our site.

*

The movie Thrashin’ wasn’t mentioned in Dagger’s discussion of movies with ridiculous competitions. Thrashin’ came out in the 80’s and is essentially Skate or Die: The Movie. It even contains a pool joust scene. Much like, ok exactly like Airborne, Thrashin’ ends with a downhill hill race. It really is an awful movie. It does feature a young Tony Hawk and a gang called “The Daggers.” Pretty sure E Dagger wasn’t named after it.

*

How many times have you lost the office football pool over a non-touchdown call because it was too hard to tell if the player crossed the goal line? Not enough to make a difference? Oh, well anyway here’s one man’s idea how to end all arguments of close touchdown calls, or out of bound markers. In an age where we should have flying cars this idea makes sense and I can’t believe it’s not a reality.

*

33 is the atomic number of arsenic. 33 symbolizes truth. 33 has the meaning that good will always triumph over evil. The longest game of baseball went 33 innings. Scottie Pippen wore number 33, as did Larry Bird and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. 33 is the title of a song by The Smashing Pumpkins and Coheed and Cambria (the songs are not related).  The number on bottles of Rolling Rock is 33. A private club at Disneyland is called “Club 33.” 33 degrees in the Scottish Rite of Freemasonry. 33 was the number on Cru Jones’ bike as he raced through Hell Track. Most importantly 33 was the number worn by the greatest goalie, Patrick Roy. Roy’s 33 will be retired by the Montreal Candiens tomorrow night. Making him the fifth player in NHL history to have his number retired by two teams. Now with four Stanley Cup Championship rings he really can’t hear any shit Jeremy Roenick has to say.

*

See ya in the rafters…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com