This movie was depressing as hell

Welcome back to the Cru Jones Love Lounge, where honesty is king, and dating columns get shredded. By me. Distributing mass dating and/or relationship advice is a lot like trying to give out tips on how to fix someone’s car. Only by “someone” we of course mean “everyone” when everyone has a different car and no two problems are even alike. It just doesn’t work.

Relationships are like snowflakes – each one individual, each one beautiful at first, each one ending in an annoying puddle on the windshield of your car. And that’s the focus here today. Let’s take a look at how CNN advises you on how not to be a “bad ex.”

I had hoped this was written by Wolf Blitzer and started as a dating advice column that spiraled into yet another gin-soaked, incoherent rant on illegal immigration, but alas, it’s an actual attempt at dating advice. This column could be written in a paragraph. And it would go as follows.

“When you break up, then you break up. Get this person out of your life, and stay out of theirs. If you happen to bump into them somewhere, be polite, but keep the interaction minimal. If you share mutual friends, don’t make the friends choose between the two of you like Madonna made hers and Guy Ritchie’s friends do, one of you has to move to another town within six months. Also, if you broke up because one of you slept with someone else, the person who was cheated on has the right to one night with a hooker that the cheater has to pay for. Case closed.”

Apparently Judy McGuire doesn’t see it this way. She’s concocted several idiotic rules to interacting with an ex. So, without further ado, let’s find out how not to be a bad ex. As always, this was a real column that you can find at the link below. My comments follow in italics.

How not to be a ‘Bad Ex’

By Judy McGuire

(The Frisky) — There are two sides to almost every breakup — the dumper and the dumpee.

One of my uncles used to call a hot woman’s rear end her “dumper.” I always hated that because it took something beautiful and made it sound gross. Also, no shit, Judy.

(Sorry, I don’t buy those “mutual” decision splits. I’m sure they happen, but they’re as rare as a fat cell on Madonna’s rear end, so they don’t count.)

Madonna used to have a little paunch to her, and that made her hot. Now she’s into Kabbalah, speaks with that stupid fake British accent, and still hasn’t fixed that giant gap in her teeth. If I were Judy, I would have gone with “…as rare as seeing Madonna’s gap tooth smile in a toothpaste commercial.” But that’s me. And I don’t care for Madonna.

Don’t haunt the person you dumped by sending them a birthday card.

While it’s ideal when both sides exit the relationship with dignity, it’s much easier to be the Gracious Ex when you’re the dumper. After all, it was your bright idea to break up. You’ve had time to wrap your head around it, and really, who are you kidding — you probably have a replacement lined up already.

Plus, you probably broke up because you couldn’t stomach the thought of suffering through another agonizing night at the Olive Garden with her big dumb family pretending not to get annoyed at the way they all talk baby talk to each other. Save yourself the $3.50 on the card and use that money on a candy bar. That’s money for a candy bar and then some!

So we’re going to start with you, the breaker-upper, because your list of “How Not to Be” is a lot shorter. Without further adieu, you definitely should not:

Judy, that’s the wrong kind of “adieu.” I used the phrase correctly above. “Adieu” means goodbye. “Ado” means fuss or delay. Look it up. Jesus.

• Refuse to be the bad guy. Every breakup has one and, as the dumper, you need to suck it up and admit you’re it. Even if you’re not particularly evil, you’re the one who used his heart as a hankie, so don’t call him, wondering if he’s “OK.” Not only does it not absolve you from anything (and that’s really all you’re looking for), it’s presumptuous. And while we’re at it, don’t even think about acknowledging milestones. Nothing says Unhappy Birthday like a store-bought greeting card from the person who ruined your life (at least for a while).

This basically falls under my basic rule of “Get this person out of your life, and stay out of theirs.” Plus, greeting cards suck in general. If you’re going to get one, get the one that Mike Birbiglia proposes: On the front is a duck-billed platypus playing checkers with a rhinoceros while in the background a hotdog with arms holds up a lemonade stand at gunpoint. Then on the inside it says, “The world is messed up, man.” That’s the only acceptable greeting card.

• “Friending” them. There is not one action more weaselly than kicking someone to the curb one week, only to send them a “Zombie Hug” on Facebook the next. I went out with one dude whose MySpace page consisted solely of women he’d wrung through his emotional wringer. Guess who he tried to add next? I don’t think so, buddy.

I will never understand the appeal of Facebook, so this tip is completely lost on me. I have no desire to reconnect with anyone I’m not already in contact with, and the Internet is such an antiseptic way of communicating. When you add in the possibility of having another way to deal with your exes, why anyone would ever want to use this program is beyond me. But it seems here to stay, so whatever. But again, the lesson here is to get these people out of your life.

• Leave them on your band/performance/whatever SPAM list. The best thing about getting dumped by a musician/actress/mime is that you never have to sit through another one of their lame performances. The second worst thing about these emails is that they serve as a reminder you still draw breath and are experiencing some level of success.

Hey, vote for us online in this dumbass battle of the bands thing and see us play at 11:00 this Tuesday out in Butt Fucking Egypt in front of a bunch weird, toothless townies! I miss having friends in local bands like I miss having eczema.

But the all-time worst aspect is that you just know that the list of recipients includes the person she’s currently snogging. This goes up an extra notch of excruciating when the sender doesn’t utilize the BCC function.

Oh man, is she hooking up with dragonslair007@yahoo.com or punksexbot@hotmail.com? I don’t think I could take it if it’s punksexbot! It’s an email list, who gives a shit? Just hit unsubscribe and move on with your life for the love of God.

• Throwing the sad face. True, running into someone you’ve emotionally eviscerated is uncomfortable, but if you happen to cross paths with your ex, be polite, be discreet, and move on quickly. Don’t coo and hover, your exaggerated frown telegraphing their status as the booted party to any and all in the area. Getting dumped is humiliating enough without the insincere theatrics.

In other words, have some fucking dignity, assface. A good lesson for everyone.

• Rebound with a friend or family. The ultimate in sketchy ex behavior would have to be dumping a dude to get to his cousin (or brother). Next up is his best friend. If you’re going to go there, at least wait a couple days before you do so.

Unless you’re on the cast of “Friends” where apparently none of these rules matter. Of course, if your entire universe consists of less than 10 people, I suppose you’re all bound to diddle each other eventually. Regardless, hooking up with a family member ensures you a simultaneous place in hell and Houndog Hall of Fame!

• Backsies! How many times have you finally gotten over someone, only to have them come bounding back into your life the second you meet someone new? It’s uncanny — and unbelievably irritating — how often this happens. Don’t be that person.

This happens in the movie Swingers and that’s it. I’ve never re-connected with an ex outside of high school (where the “Friends” rule sort of applies). This article has provided no insight whatsoever. Read my paragraph at the beginning of this article again, and you’ll be smarter than after having sat through this nonsense.

To ensure you won’t, before you have “the talk” with your no-longer-significant other, picture him making out with your best friend. Are you a) mildly intrigued; b) livid; or c) relieved that he found someone else because now he won’t cry when you tell him to get lost. If you picked A or C, you’re good to go. If B was your answer, well, you’ll get what you deserve when he starts dating your hotter, younger cousin.

On second thought, you should just move to a new town. If your ex-dude makes out with your best friend, your luck has run out in your current city. Pack up your shit and skedaddle. This town has nothing left for you. If you refuse to do this, well, maybe next time you’ll make the final cut for Flavor of Love like you always hoped.

Hart’s here Wednesday with some new shit for you. I’ll be back on Happy Friday duty as we continue our light schedule through December.

Until next time…

edagger@crujonessociety.com

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