Cru Jones Society

It’s that time of year where the television bombards us with an absolute shit storm of  Christmas programming. You know what I’m talking about: It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, one of the thousands of versions of A Christmas Carol, etc. Last night was no different as “A Charlie Brown Christmas” made its way into my living room. I actually like this one and watched it. It’s a feel good story. I mean really, who can forget that drooping little tree? This is the second Charlie Brown special I have watched within a month so I thought I would chat a little about Good Ol’ Chuck and the rest of the Peanuts gang.

Charles Schulz wrote the Peanuts comic strip for over fifty years. In that time the characters never aged, and I think I know why. Charlie Brown would have never made it out of junior high, or middle school (or whatever the hell it’s called these days) alive. Charlie Brown is the perfect candidate to become another teenage suicide statistic.

Maybe I should say that he would be another statistic of attempted teenage suicide. Charlie Brown never succeeded at anything. His baseball team always lost, his kite always became snarled in a tree, and he never kicked that damned football. So it stands to reason that he would fail at taking his own life.

In all fairness, the football thing wasn’t necessarily his fault, it was that bitch Lucy. Which brings me to my next point. Everyone that Charlie Brown knows is a dick, with the exception of Linus.

Let’s look at the facts, or the observations from the last three animated specials I watched. In the first, Charlie Brown becomes the school spelling bee champion, he then goes on to be state champ and has a shot at the national title. It comes down to him and one other girl. Everyone is at home watching him and rooting for him. They seem like good folks here. Then, true to his form, Charlie Brown misspells the word and loses the the national championship. At that very second all of his supposed friends turn on him. They were like Bostonians and he was Buckner. They all yelled at him as soon as he returned home. I’m surprised they weren’t waiting at the bus stop to pelt him with stones as soon as he arrived like a modern day Jesus or something.

Charlie Brown felt so bad that he spent the next three days in bed. I cannot figure out why everyone was so pissed. I mean it’s not like he failed in something that will affect the world. It was a spelling competition. And for that matter he did better than any of these little fucks getting mad at him. He came in second in the national spelling bee, that’s damned impressive. Every one of those bastards at home, not spelling, can go fuck themselves.

The next one I watched was the Thanksgiving special. In this one, Peppermint Patty, who leads Charlie Brown on into thinking she likes him when really she likes Marcie, invites herself over to Charlie Brown’s for Thanksgiving. He is supposed to go to his grandparents for Thanksgiving but she talks him into doing one before hand. Once Charlie Brown agrees to this, Patty proceeds to invite everyone she can think of.

Charlie Brown has never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner; he’s like 7, for Chrissakes, let alone cook enough for every bastard child in this little town, so of course he fails. Now Thanksgiving is ruined for these kids, which means that once again it’s time to be upset with Charlie Brown.

These kids aren’t justified in their anger as Peppermint Patty forced Charlie Brown to do this dinner. He said again and again that he couldn’t and didn’t want to. But Patty insisted and peer pressure is a motherfucker. He may have been ok if Patty didn’t take it upon herself to make it the largest Thanksgiving gathering since Plymouth Rock.

In the Christmas special, Charlie Brown is forced to be the director of the Christmas pageant and nobody will listen to him. They just dance around like a bunch of morons. At one point, Schroeder plays Beethoven, and last I checked Fur Elise wasn’t a Christmas song. So Lucy takes over and delegates Charlie Brown to get a Christmas tree. Everyone’s pissed when he comes back with a tree that looks as sickly as one of the Olsens. Given his failure at spelling and Thanksgiving, the children should have known better than to send Charlie Brown out on a task like this.

All these events happen while the children are in grade school. As they reach that awkward puberty and cliquey age, Charlie Brown doesn’t stand a chance. What will happen to him when he gives up that first homerun in the high school baseball game?

I have a suspicion that when Charlie Brown does die, everyone will be his best friend again. They seem to be the type of crowd that likes somebody when you’re supposed to like them and up until they fuck up. So it would only be a matter of time until they call him a blockhead for not being able to live, which once again will probably be their fault.

I just hope his epitaph reads “Go Fuck Yourself Peanuts Gang.” Though I’m sure Linus, Sally, and Snoopy would be the only ones who see it, which isn’t even fair. Of course, when you’re Charlie Brown, nothing is.

See ya in the funnies…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com