Cru Jones Society

 

Welcome to the last Friday before Christmas. I have all of next week off from my real job, so it’s a Happy Friday indeed. I’ll be working on Cru Jones Society stuff that week in preparation for 2009, so if you have any suggestions for the site, feel free to drop me a line at edagger [at] crujonessociety [dot] com. I’ve always wanted to type it out like that. I feel so Web 2.0. I want to use a pastel color palette and change everything into a candyass rounded-off Arial-style font that looks like it was ripped off from Skype.

Anyhoo, next week will feature our last updates of 2009 as Hart handles Monday duty, I’ll take Wednesday with a bigass Christmas article, and we tackle the Year In Review on the Final Happy Friday of 2008. But that’s next week. We got plenty of shenanigans this week first. Let’s get to it, shall we?

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As we mentioned, Christmas is next week, so that’s as good a place to start as any. God knows you can’t escape this damn holiday, so you might as well meet it head on.

Spicolli303 made an interesting comment underneath Hart’s Charlie Brown article. He said: “If you watch the same Christmas bullshit every year on tv or dvd, do yourself a favor: This year, do something different to brighten up your Christmas Holiday season by watching non-traditional & utterly offensive Holiday movies.”

Ask, and you shall receive, Spicolli! Our good friends at WrestleCrap.com have taken the time to review a shitload of terrible Christmas movies for this very purpose. In order not to spoil discovering these truly awful classics on your own, I’ll tackle only two.

First, apparently the drugs in Mexico in the 1960s were goooooodddd. How do I know this, you ask? Well, according to the movie Santa Claus, our title hero doesn’t live at the North Pole, he lives in a castle nestled in the clouds right next door to Merlin the magician. His reindeer are actually robotic that he winds up with a big silver key, and explode if hit by sunlight. Also, he regularly finds himself at odds with the devil’s assistant Mr. Pitch. What are you still doing here? First, get over to WrestleCrap and read the rest of this article. Then sell some shit in order to pay for this movie on eBay which probably comes with a big brick of hash to provide the most outstanding movie experience in the history of the world.

Still, not convinced? WrestleCrap also has a dandy review of the Hulk Hogan abomination Santa With Muscles. In addition to the Hulkster, this movie features Clint Howard, Mr. Pinciotti from “That 70′s Show” and Garrett Morris, which, if I’m not mistaken, is the same cast performing currently in the 7^th circle of hell.

Still worn out with 24 hours of A Christmas Story? Get a hold of these two movies and you’ll be begging to watch that little blond bastard shoot his eye out again and again.

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Or you could just drink yourself through the holidays and wake up in February bloated, hungover, and confused like I do. This list of the 12 Drinks of Christmas will help.

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In hilariously bizarre news, animated feature Delgo achieved the dubious honor of having the shittiest wide release for a movie ever. Available on 2,160 screens, Delgo earned only $511,920 this weekend for a per screen average of $237. I had no idea failure this epic was even still possible, but a day after I was sent this by CJS Reader Keithage, news broke of Bernie Madoff running the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and stealing the dick out of everyone’s money. Unbelievable. Delgo may have wasted $40 million worth of investments, but it’s a screwy fantasy movie about lizard people or something. Anyone who invested in it, probably should have just set their money on fire instead. If Bernie Madoff stole money from my charity (like he allegedly did to many), I’d probably be looking for him right now trying to shove a trident up his ass. So, perspective is important.

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By the way, thanks keithage. Your awesome link definitely earned you this:

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In the spirit of that awesome guy up there, let’s switch gears to something appropriately awesome. And it don’t get no awesomer than a dude who hits baseballs with his nunchakus. Not good enough for you, Mr. I Don’t Impress Easily? Well, how’s about he opens a freaking champagne bottle with his nunchakus too?! (26 seconds in) I’m still uncertain about what I want my wedding to be, but now I know for sure that I want this dude to open our champagne in the most badass way possible. And that’s as good a place as any to start.

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Speaking of baseball, CJS Reader Gutter sent me a list of 20 Rules Every Sports Fan Should Live By. This is a bit of a Bill Simmons rip off, but what isn’t anymore? It’s a breezy read, and I couldn’t agree more about giving foul balls to little kids. You’re an adult. It’s a $12 baseball. Stop falling all over yourself to catch it and for the love of God, don’t celebrate when it bounces serendipitously into your hands. If that happens, make like a grownup and give it to a little kid. You’ll prove you’re not a douche, and you’ll make that kid’s entire year. Win-win.

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Now, if you want to go the extra mile and prove you’re not a douche, if you’re going to change your name, don’t change it to something self-aggrandizing and patently ridiculous like Chad “Ocho Cinco.” Change it to something with some panache and some winking humor. Change it to from Greg White to “Stylez G. White.” That’s right, change it to honor Teen Wolf’s scheming friend.  I swear to God, if this dude wears a shirt on game day that says “What are you looking at, dicknose?” I’ll renounce my fandom of Barry Sanders on the spot and make this guy my absolute favorite player of all-time. Classic.

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In other dick-related news, this is “National Velvet,” the new sculpture that graces the pedestrian bridge at 16^th St. and Platte downtown.

The author is John McEnroe (not that one), and he claims “that a single object can still provoke thought and action” Um, okay. But what exactly are we supposed to think or do with this phallic-shaped pile of bulbous red sausages? McEnroe then says, in an interview with the Rocky Mountain News, “Most public art is sort of designed to please the public… But it should be as good as the art in a museum.” As Vince Carroll, the Rocky’s editorial page editor says, “a failure on both counts.” It’s stuff like this that makes people wary of artists.

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I’m sure some of you out there have either read or seen “Twilight.” Cracked.com recently ran a piece from the eminently brilliant “The Cutting Room” that writes Twilight if it were “10 times shorter and 100 times more honest.”  If you’re a fan of Twilight, you may not like this re-cut. Or you might think it’s hilarious like I did. I don’t know. Maybe you should just read it for yourself.

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I wrote two pages of hate-filled vitriol about why I think the NHL and Dallas Stars’ decision to suspend Sean Avery is beyond idiotic. It’s probably in everyone’s best interest that those words never see the light of day again, so I’ll sum up right here.

The guy, who is widely known as a troublemaker, needled an opponent and slagged on an ex-girlfriend on live television using the term “sloppy seconds.” Was what he said in poor taste? Definitely. Is it suspension worthy? Possibly. Should he have to go to fucking anger management therapy and sit out the rest of the season? Absolutely not. Did he “tarnish the franchise” as that dildo Mike Modano claims? Give me a fucking break.

Our society continues to misdirect its anger in completely confounding ways. If Todd Bertuzzi is still playing after intentionally trying to paralyze a guy, there’s no reason Sean Avery has to sit out this season. I’m no Avery apologist, I think the guy is a douche of the highest order just like everyone else, but this level of indignation is ridiculous. I’m embarrassed for Gary Bettman, the Dallas Stars, Brett Hull, Mike Modano and anyone else disproportionately outraged at Avery’s comment. Get a life.

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Before I arrived at CSU, there used to be “College Days” which I understood to be a giant drunken party that lasted four days. Eventually, like all good college traditions, the school tried to take it over, then lost control of it, then shut it down completely. That seems to be where UCLA’s “Undie Run” is headed. Enjoy it while you can, Bruins. Adults inevitably ruin everything.

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I sent Lady E an email this week that contained only a quote from Clint Eastwood. It was as follows:

“You should really get to know somebody, really be a friend. I mean, my wife is my closest friend. Sure, I’m attracted to her in every way possible, but that’s not the answer. Because I’ve been attracted to other people, and I couldn’t stand ‘em after a while.”

I said to her, this is how I feel about you. And it’s true. I get sick of people fairly easily, but I never seem to get sick of her. That’s why I love Esquire’s “What I Learned” like these. More of Clint Eastwood can be found here. I think there should be a rule that only people over the age of 65 can be interviewed for this feature.

I saw one the other day with Eminem, and while it was interesting, I remember thinking, what the fuck’s a guy who’s roughly my age going to tell me about life that I don’t already know? You should have to have at least 65 years on this earth before you can dole out advice like this.

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I love Gamespot.com for video game reviews. As Senor Limon knows better than almost anyone, it’s extremely difficult to write a video game review without sounding either like a complete fanboy dweeb, or an acne-riddled middle schooler. Gamespot accomplishes this on a regular basis and writes effectively both from a technical standpoint and a consumer standpoint. That’s why I was so amused by Christopher Piatt’s review of the new WWE game for CNN. He seems like he’s writing from his John Cena chair while wearing his Kofi Kingston shirt. I mean, seriously, how do you write a sentence like this with a straight face? “One of Kingston’s favorite new modes is the Inferno Match, in which wrestlers can throw your opponent onto a fire. Don’t worry, though – they don’t burn for long. Crews come by with fire extinguishers.”

OK, buddy.

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And let’s close up with one of my all time favorite demotivators.

With that in mind, get your coat on and hang in the hallway bitches because I have next week off. And it doesn’t come out of my vacation time. See you then, suckas!

edagger@crujonessociety.com