Cru Jones Society

After spending the weekend in a consistent drunken state the last thing I wanted to do yesterday was anything Christmas related. So like most Sundays I put the fun aside and did what I had to do. This Sunday I had to wrap the Christmas presents, god I hate wrapping presents. This got me thinking about the thing I hate most about the holiday season: the Christmas carol The 12 Days of Christmas.

As I made an attempt to make the presents look somewhat, um… presentable, I found myself growing furious with the song, mainly with how retarded the gifts are that one gets from their true love. Once I finished the wrapping (and cursing) I decided to research the damn song (ok maybe I didn’t finish with the cursing). What I found out is the song contains many Christian themes and the gifts are a hidden code.

So come along and I’ll share with you what I have learned. Then you can enjoy the song on another level. Maybe if I’m lucky and can annoy you all day by getting the song stuck in your head. You’re welcome.

 The information can be found here, or here.

Day 1

Gift: A Partridge in a Pear Tree

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Sucks. Have you ever seen a partridge? Why would anyone want a partridge other than Laurie Partridge? And why a pear tree? Ah the traditional Christmas pear, er what? I know nothing about caring for partridges or pear trees please don’t give me either, again unless it’s Laurie Partridge.

The Meaning of the Gift:

It symbolizes Jesus Christ. Yeah that Jesus Christ. Something about Jesus being portrayed as a mother partridge and acting as a decoy in order to protect the helpless nestlings. I don’t remember that story in the Bible; then again I don’t remember a lot of stories in the Bible. No information on where the pear tree comes from.

Day 2

Gift: Two Turtle Doves

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Actually this one isn’t too bad. Unlike that fugly partridge, turtledoves are eloquent beautiful birds. Plus there’s that whole friendship thing that we learned about in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The Old and the New Testaments. Not exactly sure how the doves come to symbolize the Testaments other than there are two of them. Maybe the first sign these are going to a stretch.

Day 3

Gift: Three French Hens

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Are these hens from France? I don’t know the difference between hens and if that’s their breed, like Canada Geese, or if they are from France, like the Coneheads. Either way I do not have a home that would be optimal for raising hens, or any livestock for that matter. But if they are already cooked, then I’ll take them.

The Meaning of the Gift:

Faith, Hope, and Charity, the Theological Virtues. Pretty sure they’re just using the numbers and arbitrarily assigning weird ass gifts that in no other way are related. Maybe the hens were named Faith, Hope, and Charity. OK now I’m reaching.

Day 4

Gift: Four Calling Birds

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Was the mall having a special sale on birds? Four days in and already there are ten birds. Calling birds would be pretty cool to have, what with their songs and all. That is until you realize their favorite time to sing is ass early in the morning. And four of them, I doubt they’ll harmonize.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The birds represent the four gospels. Ok this is starting to make sense past just the numbers thing. The gospels told everyone about Jesus so they made noise like the calling birds. Let’s try to keep the relevance going.

Day 5

Gift: Five Gold Rings

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Always nice to receive gold, but why must it be in the form of five rings? I am not Dealin’ Doug. I’m also weary of receiving gold rings. I fear that doing so will only lead me on a mission that takes me to Mordor. Thank you, but no. Way too much walking.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The first five books of the Old Testament. As we all know those books tell of man’s fall from grace. Let’s get this straight, in order to commemorate being kicked out of paradise and gaining the feelings of shame and pain we get gold? I think I’d rather have paradise.

Day 6

Gift: Six Geese A Laying

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Hey look at that more birds. Not only that, but they apparently are a laying. I assume that means laying eggs, which means the possibility of more birds, or tasty breakfast. It’s a different story if they lay golden eggs, like the one Jack stole from the giant. That would be awesome. Until the geese lay too many eggs and the value of gold decreases.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The six days of creation. I think that means God is a goose and he essentially crapped out everything. Or it’s just a metaphor and I think too literally.

Day 7

Gift: Seven Swans A Swimming

My Thoughts on the Gift:

If I don’t have proper accommodations for tiny hens, why would I have them for large waterfowl? Though swans are graceful and beautiful, I also hear they are quite mean. I don’t need that in my life. For those keeping score, the count is now 23 birds.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The seven swans represent the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit: prophecy, ministry, teaching, exhortation, giving, leading, and compassion. Those seem like the kinds of things swans would represent. But why do they have to be a swimming?

Day 8

Gift: Eight Maids A Milking

My Thoughts on the Gift:

I don’t have cows, are they able to milk something else, and I don’t mean Robert DeNiro. Though eight of them might make things a little raw. Just give me one, the hottest one, wait no; I want the one that milks the best.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The eight maids a-milking represent the eight Beatitudes: Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake. Welp, I’m lost again. I think it’s resorted back to just using the numbers with random gifts.

Day 9

Gift: Nine Ladies Dancing

My Thoughts on the Gift:

Hell yeah! Do I even need to explain?

The Meaning of the Gift:

The nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I feel like this is a sexy version of the seven dwarfs. I’d rather be any of these than bashful or sneezey.

Day 10

Gift: Ten Lords A Leaping

My Thoughts on the Gift:

What is up with the “A-Verbing?” Does anybody really want 10 dudes jumping around? I would feel like I was at the House of Pain video shoot.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The Ten Commandments. I don’t recall Heston leaping down the mountain with those stone tablets. Must have been a scene that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Day 11

Gift: Eleven Pipers Piping

My Thoughts on the Gift:

It depends on the pipes being piped. Pan flutes would get annoying a lot faster than bagpipes. Overall I wouldn’t want eleven people with any kinds of pipes constantly hanging around.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The eleven faithful apostles. Not that back stabbing Judas, even though Jesus forgave him, I guess that’s not enough to get you included in song sung around a supposed joyous time.

Day 12

Gift: Twelve Drummers Drumming

My Thoughts on the Gift:

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. If the drummers are badass like the ones in Drumline, then sure this gift would be fine, but only for two hours.

The Meaning of the Gift:

The twelve drummers represent the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostles’ Creed. The points of the creed are powerful points and should be represented with the bang of a drum. So this one makes sense.

Well there you have it, another Christmas item that’s all about Jesus. I’m sure Santa is pissed. Oh by the way, the true love in the song is God.

If the strong Christian tones of the song aren’t your cup of tea then I recommend you check out the version by CKY.

One last thing, this might all be bullshit. If it is then I apologize for wasting your time. But I find it interesting that people would go to so much trouble and stretches of the imagination (“What can we do for 11?” “How about the apostles?” “There were 12 of them.” “We’ll leave out Judas!” “Brilliant!”) to make a song have such ridiculous meaning.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

See ya under the mistletoe…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com