Cru Jones Society

Bill Watterson once said, “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.” So in that vein, we give you another Happy Friday to fill the pointless quota. Enjoy. Continue Reading »

I spent last weekend with Lady E at her company party. Why a company would throw its annual holiday party in the middle of January, I’ll never know, but all things considered, it was a fine night. Cash bar is lame, but the food wasn’t terrible, and they had a comic.

When she told me there would be a comic, I immediately became concerned because guys who take corporate gigs are usually affordable and are doubly screwed by having to keep the material PG-rated. Our guy was decent with his best joke coming at the expense of Grover Cleveland of all people, but it got me thinking about the experience of going to a comedy club. Far too many times you fall to the unfortunate fate of sitting next to some obnoxious idiot you’re ready to violently murder by the end of the show. Here are 10 such people broken down for your amusement. Continue Reading »

Lady E, bless her heart, has sat through more Sportscenter, NFL games, Avalanche games, Nuggets games, re-runs of “Futurama,” re-airings of the Back to the Future trilogy, countless shitty movies I seem to re-watch every weekend on TBS, and my constant fawning over that scene in the bar between George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez from Out of Sight than probably any woman ever pictured she’d have to endure. But what does she expect? She’s marrying a complete media nerd who writes on the internet about ridiculous shit in his spare time for fun. She knew what she was signing up for, but I appreciate her mostly smiling grace through it all.

So, when she recorded three solid seasons of “The L Word” on the DVR before the new season began airing last week to catch up, I was in no position to complain about it. While watching a semi-earnest drama about a group of Los Angeles lesbians is not typically high on my list of things to watch, I thought back on her sitting dutifully beside me every time I switched back and forth between a Nuggets game and Rocky III on AMC (which they have been showing incessantly lately), and decided to give the show a shot. Know what I found out? It’s not half bad. I’ve gotten sucked into it, and have some thoughts to share after the jump. I’ve also included thoughts on Showtime’s newest drama “The United States of Tara” as well since we just started watching that too. Continue Reading »

We don’t always appreciate the place we live, or the place we grew up. Sometimes the snow turns a 15 minute drive into an hour long trip and wish for the warm Januarys of Florida. But then you reach your destination and gaze at the pine trees frosted like a delicious sugary cereal, and you realize that Florida doesn’t have that. They only have old people.

Sometimes the snow isn’t falling and the weather isn’t nice, and it just looks blah then you receive a phone call from a friend (Dagger) in that stage of drunk where he appreciates everything a little too much, where he loves you, but not in a gay way. Then he begins to wax poetic about living in Colorado. You spend the rest of the weekend thinking about what he said and come to the conclusion that even in a drunken state he’s right, dammit. Continue Reading »

It’s Monday and only one thought is on the mind of Cru Jones Society readers: “Holy hell, I hope I don’t spill a ridiculous amount of liquid all over the floor again without some sort of German shammy to soak it up!” At least that’s what we presume is on the minds of Cru Jones Society readers considering the volume of responses we received touting the ShamWow’s benefits.

By an absolutely staggering margin, the ShamWow was by far the most popular response to this week’s Monday Confessional. We were left to wonder why. We cannot think of one situation we’ve encountered in the last five years that required the use of an industrial strength absorbent. The only reason we saw needing the ShamWow was if you really enjoyed washing your car by hand, and did so every week. Otherwise, how often are you spilling stuff that can’t be quickly cleaned up with a paper towel? Are CJS readers especially messy? Especially clumsy? Easily influenced by dudes wearing Britney Spears-style headsets? Maybe we should just get to the responses. As always, our answers are first followed by yours. The new Confessional topic is at the bottom. Let’s get to it… Continue Reading »

Good morning, everyone. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties with Happy Friday this week as Internet Explorer is acting like an asshole and screwing up Senor Limon’s post. The article appears fine if you’re surfing in Firefox, but appears empty if viewed in IE. We’re working on fixing it right now, but if you have the ability, try switching to Firefox (or possibly Safari, we haven’t checked if it works there) to read Limon’s batch of Friday goodness. You should really be on Firefox anyway considering this, but your computer safety is up to you. Update to come later.

Edit From Limon: The issue should be fixed.  I’d tell you all about how I did it, but I have no idea.

Over six months ago I lazily threw together a few links and offered a half-assed explanation about why Fridays here at CJS wouldn’t follow the same format as the rest of the days. Since then while I was largely away from the site, Hart and Dagger have developed Happy Friday into the institution that you all now know and love. I’m happy to be taking back the reins as part of the regular rotation on Happy Friday. Continue Reading »

I love the Muppets. Yes, it is true I am almost 26 years old. Nonetheless, I still love the Muppets. It is because of them I believe “motorcycle cop” to be considered a sweet nothing (it is in the Muppet Movie, look it up). Ask my ex girlfriend, I used to whisper it in her ear all the time.

So I thought it was high time to devote a post to these beloved creatures who have entertained me for many years, and will probably continue to do so as I continue to pretend to be an adult. While I have nothing against the more familiar and popular Muppets like Kermit, Animal, and Elmo… ok maybe I have something against Elmo… but come on, that little bastard is annoying, and the last time I watched Sesame Street (a couple of years ago, or was it weeks?) half of the show was compiled of a segment called Elmo’s World. Thirty goddamned minutes of that red furry asshat annoying me with bullshit. Give me less of him talking to a goldfish and more of Cookie Monster making a giant mess as he consumes cookies on a Kobayashi level.

No, I am not going to talk about them any further. I want to bring attention to some of the lesser known, underrated Muppets. These are a few of my favorites who do not get as much screen time as other Muppets, but as they say, there are no small parts, only small Muppets. So let us get things started on the most Muppetational CJS post yet. Continue Reading »

Mark Twain wrote, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” He’s right. I can nary recall a long pleasant walk I’ve ever had in the sunshine that ended with me angrily breaking something expensive and spewing ugly profanity while tossing said expensive item into a nearby sand pit. Nor have I ever thought after a walk, “Jesus Tits, I paid $100 for that? Am I out of my fucking brain?”

Such is the way of golf. It’s singularly the most rewarding and infuriating activity any person can undertake. I’ve seen otherwise sane people who haven’t uttered a word of profanity in their entire lives turn into Bobby Knight re-enacting a David Mamet screenplay after a particularly enraging round. I have a great many pressures in my life to take up this ridiculous sport, and just as many preventing me from doing so. So let’s take a look at all the things that make up “My Problems with Golf.” Continue Reading »

It’s January, and many of our readers are still preoccupied with scraping ice off their windshields and shoveling snow from their driveways. One of the nice things about Southern Arizona is that the chill is already mostly gone in the air and we’re treated to daily high temperatures of around 75 degrees.  All of this nice weather has me thinking ahead to the summer movie season when we’ll all be ducking out of the summer heat to soak up some sweet movie theater air conditioning and wildly overpriced snacks while eagerly watching all the $200 Million corpses Hollywood will dig up this year in an effort to earn your $8 at the door, and more importantly $20 later for the DVD.  Which movies will surprise audiences this summer, which will disappoint, and which ones will prove to be the terrible abomination against the original that everyone but the people who produced it knew they would be?  There’s no need to actually see them, Limon is here several months in advance with thoughts on the issue. Continue Reading »

There is an endless supply of terrible movies. Most can be easily avoided by judging them by their cover, synopsis, or trailer. Sometimes these things are deceiving and it takes you about 20 minutes to realize it sucks and stop watching. Sometimes situations arise where you’re stuck watching the entire train wreck from movie studio logo to the end credits.

This week’s responses to the Question of the Week, which we will be henceforth know as Monday Confessional, covers the worst movies we have sat all the way through and why we had to sit all the way through them. Read on and heed the advice of you fellow CJS readers lest you make the same mistake. Continue Reading »

E Dagger here to close out your week. We’re only two full weeks deep into 2009, and it’s already shaping up to be one of the weirdest fucking years on record. Soon to be ex-President Bush gives one of the most surreal press conferences this side of Terrell Owens. Obama’s choices for cabinet positions have skeletons popping out of their closets like a cheap haunted house. And the Broncos fire Mike Shanahan who appeared poised to lead the team until he looked like the Cryptkeeper.

One thing is for certain: Happy Friday is here to stay and provide with all you need to slack off as you count the seconds until you can get home and dig into that “Antiques Roadshow” marathon you Tivo’d this week with a nice cup of tapioca pudding. What? Not your weekend? Well, fine then, maybe the links inside about beer pong, Bromance, Taco Bell and more are more your speed. Come on inside, and let’s see! Continue Reading »

Every villain worth his salt has henchmen. No self respecting evildoer can be expected to do all his dirty work by himself, and Hart has mentioned recently, bumbling henchmen are often the underlying cause of failed plots for world domination. I started with an in depth analysis involving henchmen archetypes in 20^th Century American cinema, but as it happens all too often here at CJS, I became distracted by cartoons. Read on

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I find myself on the cusp of another birthday and I’ve been trying to decide how I want to spend it. In doing so I thought about how I spent some past birthdays, which in turn lead me to thinking about various stages of my life. One time particular stuck out. That was 15 years ago, 1994, and I was in the 5^th grade. So I thought I’d compare the 5^th grade me to the current me. Now hop in the DeLorean or climb into the phone booth and let’s head back to 1994. Continue Reading »

Every action movie needs a few essential elements – a rugged hero, some awesome chase/fight/explosion sequences, and, if there’s time, an adequate plot. Since the action movie traditionally caters to the “dude with way too much testosterone and incredibly short attention span demographic,” we’re usually treated to some outstanding eye candy. Whether it’s Carla Gugino walking around spectacularly naked in Sin City or Linda Hamilton scaring the bejeezus out of everyone in a totally confusing erotic way in Terminator 2, action movies have treated us to a fine selection of female foils. However, there have been some miscalculations along the way. Let’s take a look at them now, shall we? Continue Reading »

It’s the second Monday of 2009, and time to kick off our new feature: Question of the week. We’ve been pleasantly surprised with the number of reader responses ranging from the practical: Gatorade and over the counter headache remedies, the classic: hair of the dog and greasy food, to the just plain silly: not drinking. Whether you’re interested in scoping out some new hangover tricks, or just want to make fun of the guy who admitted he eats Menudo, read on.

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It’s now officially a week into the New Year. This is a new year that is supposed to bring change. Some guy on TV kept telling us so. We here at CJS decided it was time for some changes as well. For starters we have a new feature: The Question of the Week. This is interactive as we want to hear from you. The first question can be found at the end of Monday’s post, CJS Predicts 2009.

If skimming down to the bottom of Monday’s post is too much work for you the question is also posted on our new Facebook Group page found here. Join the group and the Question of the Week will be sent to your Facebook page a full 11 hours before it’s posted on here.

But if you’re like Garth Algar and fear change, don’t you fret because we will keep Happy Friday full of the links and jokes that have become a staple here at CJS. Much like we have done today. So read on then answer the Question of the Week, join our Facebook Group and enjoy 2009 with Senor Limon, E Dagger, and Lee S. Hart. Continue Reading »

In his book Seinlanguage, Jerry Seinfeld writes that the best times in life are the “in-between times.” It goes on to say, “You know, like those times when you get a job, but before you actually have to do it. Those are the best times.” I read this book when I was 14, and even then I loved this quote even though I had never held a job. But for some reason, these words always resonated with me and every time I found myself in an “in-between time,” I thought of Seinfeld’s words. I find myself currently smack in the middle of one right now and the words swirl in my head more than ever. Continue Reading »

If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.

I remember this line from the song that plays during the credits of the Jackass movie. A quick Google search reveals that it’s sung by some guy named Roger Allen Wade.  I always sort of assumed it was the work of Merle Haggard, but that’s only really because I don’t know any Merle Haggard songs, and that song just sounds like it was probably sung by someone named Merle.

I don’t consider myself to be dumb, but I certainly have done more than my share of dumb things in my short life.  Alcohol is often a contributing factor.  I also seem to gravitate toward activities that tend to put me in harm’s way a bit more often than the average person.  I’m not sure why, and I can only imagine I’ll be paying for it in the form of arthritis if I happen to make it to my golden years. Here’s a story that I’m sure will serve as at least part of the extensive preamble I’ll almost certainly give my doctor when he prescribes me enough Celebrex to bring down a fully grown bull elephant. Continue Reading »

Throughout history good villains have defined good heroes. Where would Edison, Superman, and pizza lovers be without Tesla, Luther, and the Noid? I don’t know, and frankly I don’t want to know. Also I’m not completely sure who was the hero and who was the villain between Edison and Tesla.

More or less these historic villains held their own against worthy opponents. Cartoons from my youth have mimicked this formula. While some were successful, Masters of the Universe, they are less interesting than the incompetent villains from the cartoons of my childhood. So I present to you the 6 biggest failures in cartoon villainy. Continue Reading »