After a hiatus that lasted achingly too long, we’re back with a vengeance. 2008 was widely regarded as a year of shit, although the staff at CJS took incredible steps in our real jobs, some in our personal lives, and definitely in our ability to cater to an audience that refuses to make the most of its work day. We’re here once again with daily updates, with a brand new interactive Facebook page, with merchandise to show everyone how badass a BMX movie/Internet comedy site can be (check out the third tab on the mainpage for more details), and a reinvigorated Senor Limon.
We thought of no better way to kick off the biggest year in CJS history (True, we’re not even through a complete first year – shut up.) than to preview the year to come. Dagger, Hart and Limon have compiled their answers to the year’s most burning questions. We’ve covered death, movies, music, politics and a whole metric fuckton more. Come on inside for a massive staff-wide post to kick off the new year. And stay tuned, because at the end we’re launching a brand new weekly feature that requires the participation of all the CJS readers. So strap in, friends. CJS is back, and we’re better than ever.
Dead Pool: Name 3 celebrities you predict will kick the bucket this year
Lee S. Hart: 1) Fidel Castro. Does he count as a celebrity? Either way Old Balls Castro is major sick and is ready to go. 2) Ringo Starr. Thus leaving Paul McCartney to collect the Beatles version of The Flying Hellfish treasure. 3) Flava Flav. Really the only way he can out do himself at this point is to die.
Senor Limon: 1) Wilford Brimley, that’s assuming he hasn’t died a horrible diabeeeeetus related death already. 2) Don Vito of Viva La Bam fame. Have you seen this guy? The guy is a ticking time bomb without all the added stress of his shitty little nephew fucking with him all the time. 3) Carson Daly, every group of ghoul pool selections needs a long shot wild card. I’ll lay this one out in the style of the classic board game “Clue.” Carson Daly, in a mob-hit style gambling debt related death, somewhere off the Las Vegas strip. And mark my words, Charles Barkley will be somehow involved with the whole thing.
E Dagger: I wanted to choose Wilford Brimley, but Limon sniped him from me before I could submit my answers. So, I’ll say 1) Amy Winehouse – she’s the safe pick. It’s like ordering a gin & tonic anywhere in the universe; you have pretty good odds no matter what. 2) That Honey Bunches of Oats Lady who shouts at you through the television about cereal. She seems like a nice enough lady who’s tragically due for a coronary any day now. 3) Mary Kate Olsen after something heavy falls on her and her malnourishment prevents her from escaping.
Barring anything already announced (new Short Circuit, another Freddy Krueger movie, etc.), what once proud movie franchise will be resurrected to shit on the original movie’s legacy either via shitass sequel or hackneyed re-imagining?
Lee S. Hart: Police Academy, or did that legacy get shit on already when they went to Moscow? Or did their jaunt to Miami minus Steve Guttenberg tank the franchise? I don’t know. Either way, how ’bout a reboot? I also guess Back to the Future. Every time travel movie goes to medieval times eventually and Doc and Marty haven’t done that yet.
E Dagger: Quite frankly, I’m shocked we haven’t had some sort of attempt at re-doing Top Gun already. What’s not to love? Doofy 80s iconography, silly pilot nicknames, cheeserock soundtrack, near-homoerotic fixation on the male form – this is begging to be re-made. Either that, or I wouldn’t in any way be surprised by a reboot of Three Men and a Baby featuring the cast of “How I Met Your Mother.”
Senor Limon: Goonies. Sean Astin will attempt to reprise his role, but will frequently become confused and refer to himself as Samwise Gamgee. Cory Haim will play the role of Mouth instead of Cory Feldman. Few people will notice. The role of Mama Fratelli will be played by John Goodman. This film will sweep the Oscars.
Who ya’ got for Best Picture Oscar?
Senor Limon: For the first time I can remember, I haven’t seen a single picture nominated this year. George Clooney is really starting to piss me off, and I really don’t understand everyone’s hard-on for Daniel Day Lewis. Nobody in Juno pisses me off. I’ll go with that one.
E Dagger: Good call, except Juno came out in ’07 and Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actor then too, you silly bastard. I feel like it’s been a few years since we had the uber-pretentious movie win Best Picture, so it feels like Doubt‘s time is now. I’m no anti-intellectual, but I can’t think of a movie type I’d like to see less than the hamfisted period piece with serious actors acting seriously. It just strikes me as painfully self-important, which means it’ll probably win. P.S. I actually know nothing about this movie. If not that, I hope it goes to The Wrestler, which I’m told is a beautiful, beautiful movie and finally gives the heroes of my childhood their proper treatment.
Lee S. Hart: Delgo. I didn’t even know what this was until Dagger mentioned it in Happy Friday, but now, having only seen screen shots, and looking at the cast list, I think it’s going to win. I mean, c’mon! It’s got Freddy Prinze Jr. AND Chris Kattan! How can it lose?
Does Rad finally get released on DVD in 2009?
Lee S. Hart: No.
Senor Limon: No.
E Dagger: Despite more than 20,000 signatures on the Rad petition (sign it damn you!), sadly no.
Senor Limon: The gods will conspire against us at CJS yet again, and prevent the release of both Rad and MST3K the Movie on DVD. Limon will console himself clutching his copy of Best of the Best in a bubble bath and weeping silently in the dark listening to “I’m Dying Tomorrow” by the Alkaline Trio. Hart and Dagger will continue their nightly candlelight vigil at Dagger’s completely hetero homemade shrine to Cru Jones.
Lee S. Hart: Put it to you this way: If Rad comes out on DVD in 2009, CJS readers will get a free Dr. Pepper.
Which television show that you currently enjoy jumps the shark this year?
E Dagger: As much as it pains me to say this, I think it’s “The Office.” I had my first really painful groan watching it this fall when Michael tried to get Toby fired by planting drugs in his desk and instead somehow was conned into buying caprese salad instead. Gimme a break. You can only slice these folks so many ways before they either get stale or start acting unnaturally. What Dwight and Angela are doing to Andy is just plain cruel and not at all funny, and I worry the writers have no idea how to end this relationship without screwing up the entire Office universe. There’s a reason the original is so beloved – it had a definitive beginning, middle, and end. This one seems destined to limply fade away rather than go out with a bang, and that makes me sad.
Lee S. Hart: I’m with you: “The Office.” They have started to take Michael in a different route, but I feel Jim and Pam will strap on those water skis.
Senor Limon: “House, M.D.” I mean, seriously, how many times can the watching public continue to stomach weekly diagnoses’, of vasculitis, peroneal plastic syndrome, Lupus, and MS?
Which celebrity will have their career go in the dumper and concoct a half-cooked reality show in a pathetic attempt to save it?
Lee S. Hart: David Faustino, A.K.A. Bud Bundy. Trying to overcome the usual problems that child actors face will force Bud into the dim spotlight that is reality television. Or Alfonso Ribeiro, a.k.a. Carlton Banks, assuming the game show he hosts goes teats up, which assumes very little. Most game shows come and go like amoebas.
E Dagger: My gut reaction was to say Kid Rock, but then I was hungover recently watching the Top 40 videos on VH-1 and apparently he had a big hit where he sampled goddamn “Sweet Home Alabama.” So maybe he’s doing fine. But his Kentucky fried, wifebeater-wearing, crustache-having ass sure seems like a perfect fit for a reality show, doesn’t it? Otherwise the answer is obviously Sarah Palin.
Senor Limon: Heh, you said dumper.
Which company will have the most enjoyable Super Bowl ad?
All: Bud Light.
E Dagger: Even though their commercials all seem geared toward the unusual demographic of idiots and assholes. They usually have at least one that gets a hearty laugh from everyone in the room come Super Bowl time.
Lee S. Hart: Their new drinkability campaign sucks though, so I’m not holding out for much. Barium is drinkable, but barely and Drano is not. Why would you want your beer to be classified as the lowest level of consumption?
Senor Limon: Hence, their beer will also continue to suck.
E Dagger: My guess is whichever one features Barack Obama who has the uncanny ability to appear charming, self-deprecating, relatable, and unassailably cool all at the same time. He’s like a combination of Yao Ming, Tina Fey, Paul Newman and Otis Redding all in one. If he’s in one, I guarantee it will kill.
Lee S. Hart: Since the Super Bowl is on NBC, maybe Tina and Alec or The Scranton Branch will delight us. Or maybe Howie Mandel will talk in some funny high pitched voice and blow up a surgical glove with his nose. Everyone loves that!
Which rap album will be the best of 2009: Dr. Dre’s “Detox,” Eminem’s “Relapse,” or, y’know, someone else who raps?
E Dagger: Gotta go with the Godfather of Rap here. It’s been damn near 10 years and we haven’t heard him in too long. It’ll be good to have him back. Em’s should be good too, but honestly, how anyone can still like other rap music is beyond me. Lil’ Wayne is head and shoulders above the rest, and I still find his music annoying as hell.
Lee S. Hart: I think we will all be surprised when Willie Nelson releases a rap album and it is not only the best album of ’09 but the best rap album ever! Or you know, Dre.
Senor Limon: Devistatin’ Dave the Turntable Slave will take the hip hop world by storm with the Zip Zap Rap Redux. Gheri curls will make a huge comeback with white suburban kids and replace overly tight jeans as the thing kids are doing that scares and confuses old people.
Last year a grungy looking white dude beat a teenage Mormon kid to win American Idol. In the past, good looking chicks (black and white), a fat black dude, and a chach with gray hair have won the prize. Since God knows none of us watch this stupid show, and couldn’t give a rat’s ass who wins, guess what this year’s winner will look like instead!
Senor Limon: This year’s American Idol will be taken by storm by a set of male and female conjoined twins who sing a riveting rendition of Endless Love. Approximately three months later, Jim Rome will discover that the two are, in fact not conjoined twins, but the much more boring fraternal twins. The scandal will Force Simon Cowell to return to England in disgrace, Paula Abdul to overdose on whatever the hell it is she is taking, and the fat guy to have radical gastric bypass surgery again.
E Dagger: Apparently the new Real World season has a transsexual of some sort on it, so maybe the world’s ready to embrace someone who’s had gender re-assignment. On the other hand, if that person has to sing, they’ll probably sound like Bea Arthur, so maybe not… It’s a chick year, and it’s been awhile since we had a blond, so I choose a blond with a good rack. And really, who wouldn’t?
Lee S. Hart: One part Axl Rose mixed with two parts Sloth from The Goonies, and despite being weird looking in a totally unprecedented way, she’ll have a great voice.
Who will come out with your favorite album of 2009?
Senor Limon: Many of my perennial favorites stepped to the plate with solid efforts this year and won’t be churning out anything new in the upcoming year. I’ve heard Green Day has something in the cooker though, and judging by my pleasant surprise with their last album “American Idiot,” I’m interested to see what they have in store.
E Dagger: Strung Out had their van broken into while on tour in 2008, which means not only will they be pretty pissed off, they’ll need money as well. Anger + being broke = PUNK RAWK! I can’t wait for their newest one.
Lee S. Hart: The Mad Caddies are due for another good album after a not so good last one, but I think I’ll have to go with the Bouncing Souls. Each of their new albums has always impressed me enough to leave it in the CD player for several months.
Which industry follows in the footsteps of finance and crappy American cars to beg the American taxpayers for a bailout?
Lee S. Hart: The airlines will realize that instead of declaring bankruptcy every other year they can ask for a bailout instead.
Senor Limon: The adult entertainment industry will finally topple under its own weight as the proliferatiion of free internet porn finally makes it absolutely pointless for anyone in the world to actually purchase pornography. The industry will receive the largest bailout on record and will have unprecedented near unanimous support from the American public.
E Dagger: Definitely all the fast food companies that try to combine already shitty food into what Patton Oswalt refers to as “a failure pile in a sadness bowl” like KFC’s ridiculous Famous Bowl. Everyone will wise up to the fact that they don’t have combine their entire meal into a bowl like a 7 year-old and can eat their food separated out on a plate like an adult. Having invested all their money into R&D trying to figure out how to get a drink in there as well, Yum! Brands, McDonald’s, and whoever the hell owns Arby’s will show up hat in hand begging the taxpayers for bailout.
Which member of President Obama’s newly appointed cabinet is the first to get embroiled in a scandal and is either forced to resign or make an embarrassing apology like Andy Petitte getting caught using HGH?
Lee S. Hart: With his enormous supervillain potential, the answer is Steven Chu. Nobel Prize winning physicists are always into completely weird shit. He’ll probably devise some world-conquering plan that can only be stopped by Spider-Man.
E Dagger: Please God, let it be former Colorado Senator Ken Salazar as Secretary of Interior. He is by far and away my least favorite politician in the country right now, but is so painfully milquetoast I doubt we’ll be lucky enough to see him pulling a Larry Craig making a weird apology for a gay sex airport bathroom rendezvous, which is really too bad. Rahm Emanuel strikes me as something of a scumbag and a guy who deals from the bottom of the deck, so I choose him.
Senor Limon: Former Arizona Governor and newly appointed Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will be discovered to be a 43 year old male Mexican day laborer present in the United States without admission or parole disguising himself as the 51 year old white female politician. When asked for comment during his deportation the downcast Laborer will comment. “No soy criminal, official. No mas trabajar aqui.”
Which so-called “enemy country” spends the most time in the headlines in 2009?
E Dagger: Isn’t it about time for Germany to start pissing off the world again? The angry Middle Eastern countries will always be pissed off at each other, but that’s always struck me as undercard fodder. This last decade has been like when Billy Gunn was headlining WWE cards with The Rock during the Summer of ’99, and you’re thinking, “Get back to the opening match where you belong, you rascal.” It’s time for a re-emerging heavyweight, which is why I choose Germany. Or Russia. Always make like Sarah Palin and keep an eye toward Mother Russia.
Lee S. Hart: Thanks for stealing my answer, dick. I wanted to call Germany or Russia, but you just had to take ‘em both. Fine then, I choose Cuba. With the death of Fidel (see above in the death section) major changes will be in store for the tiny island country. Not sure if they’ll be good or bad changes, but they’ll make the headlines.
Senor Limon: The premiere of Sasha Baron Cohen’s new movie will cause homophobic rednecks across America expecting to see “Borat 2″ to overreact and attack Austria. They will strike out by sea from the Coast of Florida but vastly miscalculate the distance and fail to realize Austria is actually landlocked, and in a bizarre twist of fate will land on the beaches of Cuba in a small flotilla of makeshift rafts and rusty bass boats. Fascinated with the proliferation of classic American cars in the area, they will elect not to return to their homeland.
Who will become the next victim of the dreaded Madden Curse?
Lee S. Hart: Plaxico Burress, oh wait. Ladainian Tomlinson, after finally finding his stride again he’ll get sidelined when he breaks a toe after stubbing it on the end of the couch when he gets up in the middle of the night to let the cat in.
E Dagger: Probably Adrian Peterson as if fans from Minnesota need more to bellyache about. If I had my way, it’d be Philip Rivers.
Senor Limon: I have no idea, and frankly don’t care.
Which professional athlete pulls a Plaxico Burress and gets arrested for acting like a complete fucktard with a gun?
Senor Limon: Probably the guy from the last question.
E Dagger: If I had my way, it’d be Philip Rivers. Although it would be better if they found him getting an HJ in Balboa Park from some transvestite Denny Neagle style. As for guns, you’re nuts if you choose someone other than a guy from the secondary of a middling team with a Napoleon Complex. With that in mid, let’s just pick one out of a hat. Brandon McDonald, come on down!
Lee S. Hart: Sean Avery, I mean really where else can he go? He obviously wants to be the Terrell Owens of the NHL and this is just the next logical step for him. Plus, he’s already in Dallas so maybe he can cry behind giant sunglasses about Tony Romo as well.
Who shows up in the 2009 World Series?
Senor Limon: This chick.
Game 4, Seventh inning stretch. Totally worth the blowback after FCC wildly overreacts.
E Dagger: At this point, I couldn’t care less after Limon’s pick as long as that chick shows up. But for the sake of posterity, I’ll go with the Indians and the buttfucking Cardinals. It feels like a year where the Cardinals are inexplicably good again and annoy the piss out of me all year.
Lee S. Hart: My team, the Oakland A’s. The fact that Billy Beane is actually spending money to bring in big names like Holliday will finally lead them to another title. I think it will be a big year all around for the A’s as Rickey Henderson makes it into the HOF on his first ballot as well.
CRU JONES SOCIETY!
How many registered users does the Cru Jones Society have by December 31, 2009 (current # of users: 42)?
Lee S. Hart: 87, we’ll double it and then some.
E Dagger: Definitely north of 200. We’re on Facebook now, you know!
Senor Limon: 643,000. A flood of new hyper intelligent porn spamming robots will take over every site on the Internet where people are allowed to post comments.
Which reader wins “Food, Sex, or Cars?” next Thanksgiving?
Senor Limon: PornSpamBot 3000, after correctly guessing Sex as the answer for every question.
Lee S. Hart: I would say kristatothemax but she has a hard time accepting the awesomeness that is Burt Reynolds. So I’ll say R, he seems to have a smart head on his shoulders.
E Dagger: My early favorite is definitely kristatothemax who finished an eyelash out of first place last year. She definitely did the best job of looking at each one objectively and didn’t let personal oddities get in the way of choosing the clear winner. My money says she takes it all the way next year.
Will another picture of Lee S. Hart wearing a dress surface on the site in the next 12 months?
E Dagger: There will be if I have anything to say about it!
Senor Limon: No, but there will be an entire series of him wearing mini-skirts. Scandalous!
Lee S. Hart: I hate you guys.
How much for a gallon of gas on Dec. 31, 2009?
Lee S. Hart: $4.23 and that little 9.
E Dagger: $2.50. Everyone always gets so bent out of shape about gas prices, and I never understand why. If you don’t like them, maybe don’t drive so much. You know what, maybe don’t buy that giant energy-sucking house in suburbia that’s 45 minutes away from your job that you commute to in a massive gas guzzling eyesore with the DVD players in the back. Maybe use some common fucking sense for once.
Senor Limon: National Average: $8.38. American car manufacturers will insist American consumers still want to buy trucks and large scale SUVs, and will be forced to ask congress for another bailout to remain in business. The historically inflexible UAW will demand another pay raise despite already demanding pay that is threefold what similarly skilled workers in the country make. Wait… that wasn’t funny.
What kills more United States citizens in 2009: Hurricane season, terrorist attacks, or the sudden and violent self-awareness of robots?
Lee S. Hart: Considering the robots that currently exist I don’t think they could inflict the type of damage Asimov was talking about. Global warming is helping to make hurricanes much worse than they used to be, so unless we reduce our carbon footprint they are only going to come harder and with more vengeance. Plus nobody in hurricane territory ever seems to be prepared for a hurricane, or is smart enough to evacuate at the possible threat of a hurricane.
Senor Limon: None of the above, “male enhancement pills” are found to cause lethal, sudden, violent and bloody bowel evacuation upon mixture with alcohol and the low frequency vibrations heard while watching NASCAR live. Several thousand will perish in the first week. Interestingly, even after the cause is diagnosed by scientists, thousands will die again the next week.
E Dagger: In all seriousness, I hope it’s not terrorist attacks. I hope that’s true of every country in the world, but I’m no idiot. My sincere hope is that the most people die this year when their heads explode after reading something on the Cru Jones Society that was so jaw-droppingly awesome, their life suddenly felt complete and their brain spontaneously combusted. That or heart attacks from KFC’s Shame Bowls.
And finally, it’s December 31, 2009 and you have three words to describe the year that was. What are they?
Lee S. Hart: Major Hella’ Aces
Senor Limon: Let’s get drunk.
E Dagger: 2009 > Xanadu!
Here’s to a Happy 2009, y’all! May you have a prosperous and wonderful new year. Cru Jones Society will be here with you every step of the way trying to make you laugh, loving your comments, and giving you a quality way to slack off at work/college/panhandling. Thanks for being with us, and may we share many laughs together!
In that spirit of sharing, here’s our new feature. We’re instituting the CJS Question of the Week. Each week, we’ll ask you our burning question based on whatever’s going on at the time, something we’ve spent many a drunken night debating, or whatever the hell we feel like. Feel free to pass these questions along to your friends – the more the merrier. Limon, Hart & Dagger will answer the question each week and include any responses we get from CJS readers. We want to hear from you! Send your responses to firstname.lastname@example.org in a relatively short, well-written paragraph and see your name on our esteemed webpage each week. Answers will only be accepted via email, and you must have your answer sent in by 6:00 p.m. MST on Saturday. Here’s your first question:
With New Year’s behind us and the Super Bowl right around the corner, what are your best hangover cures? Specific food? Specific activity? Hair of the dog? We know most of the common hangover remedies have been de-bunked, but fuck it, what works for YOU? Send your responses to email@example.com and we’ll put ‘em in the January 12 edition of Question of the Week. So until then, have a happy new year, bitches!
E Dagger, Lee S. Hart, Senor Limon
05 Jan 2009 CJS Staff