Is this the RNC?

Throughout history good villains have defined good heroes. Where would Edison, Superman, and pizza lovers be without Tesla, Luther, and the Noid? I don’t know, and frankly I don’t want to know. Also I’m not completely sure who was the hero and who was the villain between Edison and Tesla.

More or less these historic villains held their own against worthy opponents. Cartoons from my youth have mimicked this formula. While some were successful, Masters of the Universe, they are less interesting than the incompetent villains from the cartoons of my childhood. So I present to you the 6 biggest failures in cartoon villainy.

6. The Shredder

“Next time Gadget, er wait. LINE?”

Cartoon: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

What Made Him Awesome:

The Shredder had so much going for him. He was a ninja master, was decked out with all sorts of sharp metal object designed for shredding, and had an army of ninja robots.

What Made Him a Failure:

Despite having more skills than Skeletor, and a more badass posse, Shredder was never able to defeat four teenaged turtles training to be ninjas. They’re not even full-fledged ninjas. I feel this would be equal to John Kreese, equipped with an army of ninja robots, being unable to defeat four (4) Daniel Larussos.

The Main Reason He Failed:

Rocksteady and Bebop.

5. Snidely Whiplash

Snidely or Spilborghs?

Cartoon: Dudley Do Right

What Made Him Awesome:

Snidely was the epitome of the classic villain. Big ugly mug, tall black hat, twirled moustache, and playfully evil. If I can recall correctly, his plan was to distract Dudley by kidnapping his girlfriend and tying her to the railroad track, or a log heading toward a saw, or some other slow and easily thwarted retaining foil. While Dudley was distracted Snidely was going to take over Canada.

What Made Him a Failure:

A slow-witted Mountie stopped him time and time again, much like The Big Boss Man circa 1991. Also he tried to take over Canada and failed. I’m pretty sure if I tried to take over Canada I could do it by nightfall.

Main reason He Failed:

He was Canadian.

4. The Ecovillians

Don’t click their faces, nothing happens

Cartoon: Captain Planet and the Planteers

What Made Them Awesome:

They had the look of evil villains, like the ones found in comic books. They also had clever names that conjure images of pollution like Looten Plunder, Dr. Blight, and Duke Nukem.

What Made Them Failures:

Their inability to stop just one kid, one preteen kid. Captain Planet needs all the rings to work together before he will show up. Eliminate one kid and that can’t happen. These cartoons gave too much credit to children. They are not as smart as portrayed.

Main Reason They Failed:

They pollute. Polluters never win!

3. Dr. Claw

I can not get over that monitor

Cartoon: Inspector Gadget

What Made Him Awesome:

Dr. Claw had a big iron fist (symbolism anyone?) and a deep raspy voice. He had a sweet transforming car/jet thing and some sort of omniscient monitor on his desk; seriously that thing was awesome, it saw everything. I don’t know how he was able to do that.

What Made Him a Failure:

Inspector Gadget who was as much a bumbling idiot as Inspector Clouseau always foiled his plans. Maybe you’re thinking that it was usually Penny and Brain that foiled Dr. Claw in that case he is another supposed criminal mastermind defeated by a child and a dog.

Main Reason He Failed:

He spent all his money on the omniscient monitor that he couldn’t afford good henchman.

2. Duke Sigmund Igthorn

Igthorn or Spilborghs?

Cartoon: Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears

What Made Him Awesome:

Igthorn, or Iggy, was a Duke, had a powerful moustache (a true sign of any villain, see Whiplash, Snidely) and he hung out in an abandoned castle with Ogres.

What Made Him a Failure:

He was unable, again and again, to conquer the Gummi Bears. Bears smaller than midgets whose only real power was bouncing around after drinking Gummiberry Juice. This seems equivalent to a six year old who drank a Red Bull. Maybe he should move to Australia and practice on koalas first.

Main Reason He Failed:

Ogres. They were big but dumb and slow.

1.Gargamel

Look at my red shoes

Cartoon: The Smurfs

What Made Him Awesome:

He was a wizard, very limited in his skills, but none-the-less he was a wizard. He had a pretty cool cat, Azrael. He had varying plans for the Smurfs. Sometimes he wanted to turn them into gold, sometimes he wanted to eat them, and sometimes he just wanted to destroy them. That’s smurffingly evil.

What Made Him a Failure:

He couldn’t capture Smurfs. Guinea pig sized communist and he couldn’t capture them. He had a freaking cat that was apparently a worse mouser than Tom.

Main Reason He Failed:

He was retarded.

No, let’s Marklar

When auditioning to be a villain in a cartoon be sure to have your head firmly up your ass.

See ya in Gummi Glen…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com

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