Cru Jones Society

 

It’s now officially a week into the New Year. This is a new year that is supposed to bring change. Some guy on TV kept telling us so. We here at CJS decided it was time for some changes as well. For starters we have a new feature: The Question of the Week. This is interactive as we want to hear from you. The first question can be found at the end of Monday’s post, CJS Predicts 2009.

If skimming down to the bottom of Monday’s post is too much work for you the question is also posted on our new Facebook Group page found here. Join the group and the Question of the Week will be sent to your Facebook page a full 11 hours before it’s posted on here.

But if you’re like Garth Algar and fear change, don’t you fret because we will keep Happy Friday full of the links and jokes that have become a staple here at CJS. Much like we have done today. So read on then answer the Question of the Week, join our Facebook Group and enjoy 2009 with Senor Limon, E Dagger, and Lee S. Hart.

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The cute girl giving the come hither look, the friend we haven’t seen in a few months, and Johnnie Walker; these are people we hope to run into when we hit the bars for a night of fun. Unfortunately we have a better chance and running into one of the people found on this list. If there is one person on this list you have never run into, guess what? You’re that person. Now stop giving me your business card with no phone number.

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We’re not sure why the Rocky Mountain News would rather not follow this advice. Throwing a tantrum will not only help you relieve stress but may help others around as they began to laugh at an adult making a complete ass of themselves. HopiMedicineMan has an idea that seems on the level as well. There’s nothing odd about someone who keeps a drum handy at all times.

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Think about how angry you are about senior citizens behind the wheel of a car or when they attempt to use the self scan at grocery stores. Now imagine if somebody let them fly a plane. A little frightening eh? Well, someone in Michigan did let one fly a plane. Luckily there were no casualties. Over all this isn’t that interesting of a story, but the 78 year that somebody let fly a plane is in fact Hart’s grandmother, his real grandmother, not like the picture of the old woman playing Beirut.

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We’ll let Bruce Buffer handle this article.

In the left corner hailing from Bakersfield, California, Standing 4’9″ weighing in at 98 pounds: Drew “Dog Strangler” Heredia. His opponent, in the right corner, standing on all fours, weighing in at 97 pounds from Bakersfield, California: Pit “Mad Dog” Bull.

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We always assumed Captain Morgan was a marketing gimmick, like Cap’n Crunch, created solely to sell us a swashbucklingly delicious breakfast. Turns out he was a real person, and a real pirate. Johnnie Walker and Jose Cuervo: also real people, though not pirates. Here are mini biographies on these three men as well as four other liquor namesakes.

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This is one of the most overwritten pieces of crap we’ve read in quite some time. It reads like it was ripped off from Mitch Albom and is one of those moralizing “sports is a reflection into who we are” articles that we absolutely fucking hate. We all know sports can serve as a reflection of life, that’s why we watch and play them. It’s also why we watch movies, read books, play cards, and engage in other recreational activities, you dick. And his article stays general enough that everyone/no one can relate to it. Tell us which moments meant something to you and be specific, don’t regurgitate the same half-cooked Paul Harvey-style banalities every hack columnist has written for the last 50 years, you dildo. Goddammit!

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Last night Florida and Oklahoma played for the BCS championship. We didn’t watch it. To us the real champion was crowned when the Utah Utes defeated Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. Apparently we aren’t the only ones who think this. Hart watched the Utes for the first time in the Sugar Bowl but thought they had a defense on par with anything currently in the NFL. There is no good reason the Utes should have played a week ago and not last night.

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Hart keeps a dream journal. He once wrote he had a dream where he “was a triplet but [he] didn’t look like the other two and was older.” We bring this up because this article tells the story of twins born on different days in different years. So the dream may not be that far off from the truth.

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A few weeks ago we broke a story of NBA legend Charles Barkley’s desire to run for political office. This week we are happy to inform you Mr. Barkley was busted for driving drunk. He managed to make matters worse by informing the officer of his intentions with his female passenger as soon as they got around the corner. Mr. Barkley, you indeed are not a role model, but good luck with you political career. We hear there may be an empty seat in Illinois.

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It’s no secret we love the punk rock. A band often over looked when people discuss great and influential bands is The Stooges. Known mostly for their scrawny and wild front man, Iggy Pop, The Stooges inspired many bands from Sonic Youth to the White Stripes. Unfortunately, Stooges guitarist, Ron Asheton, passed away this week. The punk world will mourn this passing then puke on his grave. After all it is punk rock. Thanks, Ron, for the art you gave us.

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In just over a week’s time a new President will be sworn in. This means the out going President is making his presidential pardons. While most of the time the pardons are made to people not worthy of news coverage, there have been a few to draw some attention. We got a list of 11 notable ones. Always remember kids; nothing says I am not a crook like a presidential pardon.

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See ya at the Hut…

lee.s.hart@crujonessociety.com